I need someone to be accountalbe to!

I see it's been almost a month since I've actually blogged my thoughts...cartoons don't really count! It seems like if I miss a couple of days it's harder to get back on track. I use the excuse that since no one really is reading this blog but me that it won't matter that I miss a few days. Then there are the days that  I just don't have anything I want to say. I haven't even been going to other blogs to get motivated and to see how everyone else is doing. I miss Grumpy..and wonder if she is having the same problem I am or if she just didn't want to "waste" her time blogging.

I wish I could say that in this last month my life has gotten better...but I can't...it hasn't gotten worse either.
I still haven't gone to the doctor to see if I have a Thyroid problem..not having any medical insurance or extra money is part of it but mostly because I have this adversion to doctors. I spent soo much time with Larry in the hospital and at doctors to no avail that I've come to believe that doctors may have alot of knowledge but mostly they can only guess at what the problem is and that the doctors of old who really cared for thier patients as people are no longer out there..now a days the medical profession is just that " profession". Doctors are out there only to make money..they don't even see you as a person..they certainly don't remember you as soon as they leave the room. Enough of the ranting..the question is Where does that leave me as far as my health goes? I'll have to get back to that after I've figured it out.

February being a short month (only 28 days) really hurt in my paychecks this month. I get paid only for the days I work so being shorted 2 days on my last paycheck of the month which i usually to pay my living expenses (electric, phones, water, etc) really hurt. My salary is pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole anyway. I tell myself that I am lucky that I have a job..there are so many people out there out of work right now...but it doesn't make it any easier for me when I have to figure out how to eat on $15 a week, because food is the only thing I am able to cut back on. This doesn't help when you are trying to eat healty and lose weight..I can eat on that amount and keep full but mostly it consists of garbage.

I have done something POSITIVE for myself this past month. I've taken up learning French again. I tried a couple of years ago and got discouraged because I just never got the "rolling of the R". But this time I have some friends who are helping me.  My friend "J" is actually planning on moving to France in a couple of years and my dream is to be able to go visit her when she does. I've joined a couple of French Clubs through Meetup.com. besides meeting up with 4 of my friends (J included) every Weds night at a french restruarant to go over what I have learned..I been signed up for About.com French for years and have been saving all my emails from them and am now going back and learning. I also have a set of tapes that I got years ago by Berlitz which I've dug out again and listen to in my truck on my way to work..as you can see..I am determined to learn this time. I just hope I can retain what I learn this time..

As far as my exercise is going...I was walking at the park with "T" for a couple of Sundays and it was nice, but she is having car problems and I'm using the excuse that I don't have the money for gas to drive all the way to the park right now.  I've hit the gym a couple of times a week but I know I need to go more often and get a real good workout. I just wish I could get motivated again. I'm fine once I get there and get started but I seem to find excused NOT to go. And I hate coming here writing about those excuses.

I haven't weighed myself this past month and I'm not sure when I will.

I hate that I sound so blah but that's how I feel today. At least I came here..
Last thought for the day...Why is it that when I'm at work on Saturday when I can't get out of the house (like yesterday),the weather is beautiful and then on Sunday (like today) when I can, it's cloudy and gloomy..I hate
it!
More later (I promise)

No excuses here!

I left my reading glasses at Princess Val's last night so am having to squint to read what I type..hopefully I have my fingers on the right keys...LOL. I want to keep to my plan of blogging each day. That means NO EXCUSES! (TG for spell check)
I did good yesterday..I went to the gym, did my cardio on the elliptical (15 mins) and the treadmill.(I walked at a 14 incline, the highest the tm machine will go, for 15 mins)..worked up a good sweat...flirted with the guy on the tm next to me...oopps...I meant I talked with him..he was nice but too young as usual. I've seen him there before and he talked to me first. Then I did strength training for the upper body. I will do my lower body (legs mostly) tonight. I really like going to the gym. I feel so good when I leave it.
I came home and steamed me some veggies for supper.
I've got my gym bag packed for tonight and am actually looking forward to going.
Now I'm off to read (squinting) to see how everyone else did yesterday.
More Later

What's floating around in my head? Pictures of food & "Child Within!

I woke up this morning with an idea that I think WILL work for me as far as my "eating problems" goes.
I was thinking about the statement I made that I NEVER have a problem with eating out at events. I gave the reason as I don't want to cough and this is true but even truer is that I'm always aware or think that people are watching what I eat and thinking "no wonder she's fat"...I do have a couple of rules for eating out that I follow..1 is that I don't (normally) eat anything that I can or will fix for myself at home..for an example.. if it's a salad there has to be something differant about it than the one I fix at home...and 2 is to take only a small amount..this works pretty good for me..

My biggest problem is eating at home by myself in the evening...I have no "will power" and I do what I call "mindless eating"...most of the time I couldn't even tell you WHAT I ate later...I need to get this under control so I CAN lose this weight.

I've decided to use this Blog as a group of people who will see everything I eat...as I said before I hate journaling (writing down every bite I eat) and counting calories...but If I were to take a picture of everything I eat in a day (taken before I eat it) and post it here DAILY this could act as if I'm eating in front of people...I don't have a digital camera BUT I do have a camera on my cell phone (which is always with me)..this is what I've taken the pictures I post here with. I'm sure there is someone out there in blogland that is doing this but it's a new idea for me..I know that Skwigg will post pictures of what she eats every once in a while..
I want to keep it simple..I plan on posting every night before going to bed..No words (maybe occasionally) just pictures.. this will be a "visual" reminder to me (and I am a visual person) so I can figure out what I really am eating and what I need to change...Please note that I am a firm believer in that there is no "BAD" foods . If I want to have a fudge bar and I feel that I've been good with whatever else I've eaten that day then I will "treat" myself..it's not the fudge bar is "bad", it's the combination of all I've eaten. No excuses!  Anyway I'm going to give this a try and see how it works for me..

The other thing I've been thinking about lately is those "inner voices" that I give into Way to much. I was reading a blog (and I'm sorry but I don't remember who's) and they were talking about how when you say "no" to a child that you shouldn't give into them...this made me think about when I was with eDiets and we talked about our "inner child" or those "inner voices"...This also made me think about when my daughter and niece were small and they would ask for something, If I said "no" they knew not to argue because I wouldn't change my mind..but if my sister said "no" they would bug her until she gave in..and if I said "let me think about it" they knew that there was a chance that they would get what they wanted IF they kept quiet about it..If they bugged me usually I would end up saying "no" unless they could give me a good reason (which my niece was famous for doing)..Then I also remembered If I told the girls to do something I expected them to do it without arguing with me...My "child within" (inner voices) doesn't listen to me most of the time...she rules the day but that is going to Stop...I've had years of experience dealing with children and I know how to be firm but fair. I need to start dealing with my own "child within" as if she/they were real children.

Learning to accept myself as I am right now and loving it

Does not mean that I don't want to lose this extra 50 pounds I'm carrying around..it means that I refuse to moan and groan about how I look right now. I'm finding that I am more than what I see in the mirror and I really like who I am..My weight does not define who I am. I CAN still be happy and love life. I will still be ME when I lose the weight (again) just easier to look at..LOL.

 I know that I can lose this weight and I will but it won't happen over night. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and all this extra weight will be gone (damn). It will take a lot of work and determination to get to my goal. I'm not giving up just because it's Hard or I've had some setbacks. I need to follow my plan..the one I know that works for me. (Pep talk to myself).
My plan is 5 simple steps:
1. Journal/Motivation...
2. Exercise..need to burn more calories than I take in each day.
3. Eat healthy..Protein & carbs need to balance..there is no "forbidden" foods just "portion control".
4. Drink water
5. Have Fun

I know I've said all this before..and I'll keep repeating it until I have got it down pat.

Catch Up Time..

Where did the time go?..I see it's been a full week since I've Blogged...

Food  ...I still haven't conquered the food tracking...truthfully I'm not even trying. I am trying to watch WHAT I eat but I know I've got a long ways to go before I get it right. Not going to give up though..I just have to find a way that works for me..

Exercise..The gym...I love it..I've been taking it slow and building up..because I didn't want to be so sore that I couldn't move...but I do know that I have to be a little sore or I'm not going to build the muscle back like I want.  I went last night and pushed myself on doing legs...second time since I've joined back. It felt good..my legs were tired when I left the gym but they don't feel to bad today. I still haven't done the treadmill...but tonight I will..I want start off with interval jogging (can't truthfully call what I do running)...to see if I can build myself back up to running... I still want to do a 5K in the future...looking at the one @ the end of September.
First I'll see how my knees do on the treadmill and then maybe I'll go back to the park next time I'm off work and see how I do..I know if I keep pushing myself a little bit at a time I can get to where I want...just not sure about the time line...I refuse to get discouraged..if running isn't something I can do..then I'll find something else that I can do.

Motivation..I've been invited to go a Wedding in September with some friends...I would like to lose some of this excess fat around my belly by the time I go so the skirt I'm planning on wearing will fit me better..I know I won't be skinny by then (if ever)..but I want to feel good about myself. I know all my friends support me and do not judge me..I do enough of that myself...but I don't want to embarrass them..
I'm getting my hair cut on Aug 10th..keep your fingers crossed it turns out good..at least if not I'll have a couple of weeks for it to grow out before the wedding..LOL..

Excuses...I still keep making them...Didn't go to the gym a couple of times because I was too sore...or it was raining..and one other was I visited my daughter instead..Ok maybe that one was a good reason not excuse...I need to commit to the gym..and stick to it...I know once I get to the gym and start my workout that all is good and then I'm glad I went..

As for eating..I bought ice cream this week because it's hot here in Georgia..now I know ice cream makes me cough for at least an hour after..and the sugar tears up my stomach...also keeps me awake all night..so why do I keep eating it?.The Evil part of me tells me I deserve it and it taste sooo good....and that I have cut back on the scoops and etc. etc..etc..I'm not going to beat myself up about it because it's not the end of the world if I have some ice cream..it's just that I feel I'm not getting control of what I eat. This IS the biggest problem I have. I'm addicted to food...I know I need to find a way to keep from sabotaging myself..I need to take a close look at WHY I do it..just not today...(not good)...

Journaling or blogging...need to figure out why it's so hard to come here some days and easy other days..

I'm still struggling with making myself go out  and do things..I've been advoiding some of my friends...not because I don't want to see or hear from them..but because I'm ashamed of what I've let myself become..
It's so easy just to pick up a book and escape into a fantasy world.

So on the Positive Side...What I did right this past week.....I went to the gym 4 times...I met with my freind Cory and got caught up with him since he's gotten back from his summer trips..I spent time with my Daughter and Granddaughter..even went out to supper with them.  Last night I spoke on the phone with my friend D (who talks forever on the phone).  As I've always said..I'm taking it one step at a time..
More later

Trying NOT to be frustrated here

The keeping track of calories has never been easy for me because I don't know how many calories is in the simple things..like for instance today I'm having 1/2 cantaloupe for breakfast with my cup of tea. You would think with all the books I have in this house I could find one of the calorie counter books I used to have..No such thing..I've looked. Yesterday I went on line to find a tracking system I could use. I finally (after hours of frustration) settled on using Fitday.com. It's the one I used years ago..not bad but since I couldn't find my old account I have to start all over with the set up.  I hate setting up a new food diary because I don't eat packaged foods (much) mostly I cook from scratch and I change the way I make things as the mood hits me..OK I'm starting to get upset again..I can feel the frustration coming.
Anyway Fitday does have a calorie counter but cantaloupe is not in it. I've decided I'll just write down exactly what I'm eating and the time I eat it for now..not to worry about the calories yet. Get used to journaling what I eat first then give Fitday another chance..maybe next week on my day off when I have more time to fool around with it. The one thing I do know is that I'm not going to journal WHAT I eat here!

The good news is that yesterday I went to the gym..I feel so good..I did the Elliptical and then worked out with the machines on my upper body...I'm a little sore in the pec area but other than that I feel good. I took a hot shower this morning and it took out most of the soreness. I thought my tri's would really hurt because I had them burning..I still feel a little burning in them when I tighten them but not bad. I'll go again tonight and work on my lower body.. I really thought I would have to start all over with the lower weights but it was like I had never left the gym. I felt so proud of myself and of course I ran into an instructor that I used to know and she was so supportive of me..I definitly feel this is a step in the right direction for me.

Finding my "Happy"!

This week I've been thinking about signing back up with my gym. I cancelled my membership over a a year ago because I wasn't going for several reasons. No motivation, no gas monies and it was out of the way. When I had been going every day it was because the gym was on my home..so I didn't have any excuses then. I was (and still am) short of monies and figured since I wasn't utilizing the gym I was wasting that money. My new job is close to the gym so there goes that excuse. In thinking about what really made me happy a few years ago my mind goes to all the times I had at the gym...I actually loved it...I miss playing racquetball, doing the hip hop or kickboxing classes and just plain working out with the weights. I felt so good about myself when I was going to the gym. Many of my friends now are ones I met at the gym. I am a very social person and with my current job it is just Princess Val, her Dad, and sometimes Sandi (his girlfriend) all day and then I come home to just me.  I find that I need people around me. As for the monies..I figure if I go 5 times a week it will cost me $1.82 a day, less than $2..I'm saving that much or more on gas with the new job..so I think I can swing the cost. Where else can I go and enjoy myself for such little monies.

So yesterday I went for a tour at Lifetime Fitness..it's a big gym that a lot of the peoples from my old gym went over to. It was nice, had a lot to offer (mostly for families) but the monthly cost was more than I wanted to pay and I just didn't feel comfortable there. It was too fancy..besides they didn't have a racquetball court, which is a biggie for me! And there were a lot of kids running around..Now don't get me wrong I like kids, just not when I'm working out.....I'm glad I checked it out because now I know I'm not missing anything!

SO...I went back over to my old gym and talked to the General Manager and got signed back up. The funny thing is while I was waiting for Aaron (the GM) I ran into 3 different people I knew and talked to them and this was in the off time, in the afternoon and a weekday!!!  I remember that no matter what time I went to this gym I always ran into at least one person I knew. I have been a member since 2003 and I pretty much used to go everyday ...in fact I had worked at a different location for LA Fitness for a year (but I found out that I wasn't good at being a Sales Counselor, not aggressive enuff).  Walking into my old gym, It felt like I had come "home"..I looked at all machines and in my mind I was figuring out what work out I would do first. I will be going today, altho it's my day off, because I have to go over that way to take care of my daughters animals while they are out of town. No excuses here.
I'm actually looking forward to it..I know that tomorrow I'll probably be sore all over but I also know that's part of getting back to where I want to be and it won't last forever (the pain!)..

The other thing I'm going to attempt to start doing today is keeping track of what I eat. I have never been good at counting calories or writing down what I eat...I hate it! I don't want to do it! I'll usually start out good for a couple of days and then give it up..I've tried using the on line tracking systems..they don't work for me..I get too frustrated with them...It's hard!!!! and I'm lazy!  I just want to eat and then forget it..Oh.. I know, I've read all the books and articles how being aware of each bite you put in your mouth will help you lose weight...What with starting out with the weights again, I know that I need to not only watch the amount of what I eat but also that I get enough proteins and carbs so I can get the full benefit of my workout, and that's where tracking what I eat will help.  Also When I am honest and write down EVERY BITE I'm eating, it keeps me from eating those things I know I don't need to be eating. I have to be honest with myself here...I'm not so worried about calories (altho it might surprize me how many I really eat in a day!), but more that I'm balancing my foods. More on all this at a later date when I've had time to think it over more..and also to see if I can get a tracking system that works for me everyday.

I am ready to get serious!

I'm not done analyzing why I didn't/haven't maintained my weight loss but I feel that I've gotten to a point where I am ready to get serious about starting "My Program" to get myself fit again.

Saturday July 3rd is as good as any day to start!
I got up and made my bed, put a load of laundry in the machine and then weighed myself...(ouch). I weigh
216.0# ...not good but when I weighed myself last week I weighed 219.6#...I'm not going to count that as a loss until we see if I don't gain it back this week.  Seriously I don't judge myself on "NUMBERS" ...I refuse to beat myself up if I don't lose a certain amount of weight each week. WHEN (not IF) I get control of my life I know it will come off...I had originally set a date of October 1st to lose 50#s...I now realize that is an unrealistic goal for me...I don't want to be tied to the scale...as long as I am losing I will know that I am doing good!

I'm starting back on supplements..I would rather not take them but I know I need them. I don't eat meat or dairy products. More on this later!

I then put a Billy Blanks Tae Bo tape in and worked out with him for 45 mins...I'm surprized but I did better than I thought I would..I took Kickboxing at the gym for 2 years and used to be pretty good (or at least I thought I was). I had some trouble with the kicks...but otherwise I'm pleasantly proud of myself...And all this time I've been telling myself that I can't keep up or do most of the moves...hmmm...again I need to believe in myself!  My plan is to do a tape at least every other morning...With the new job I have a couple of hours in the morning to myself and I have several differant exercise tapes to chose from..or I'll do one of the ones on FIT TV (not Gilad...he's creepy to me..worse than Richard Simmons..yech)...
I'm still planning on working out in the gym at the house where I work but first I want to get settled in with Val (the girl I'm taking care of)...and then it will be working with the weights..I can do cardio at the park on my days off and also doing the tapes..I do feel for me EXERCISE is the most important thing...I know that I feel better when I exercise..I still want to get back in shape enough to do a 5K and my dream of hiking/backpacking (and keeping up with everyone) will help me keep motivated.

After exercising I checked my emails and read Stop Dieting & Start Living! by Dean Anderson at SparkPeople (my motivation for the day).  Now I'm journaling for the day..I feel pretty darn good about myself this morning..ready to meet the world..

My plans for the rest of the day is to eat breakfast..I had to wait for 30 mins after taking 1 oz of  Organic Apple Cider Vinegar (more on this later too).  I am going to have 1 whole wheat waffle (instead of my usual 2) some cantaloupe and a glass of mango juice which I WILL eat at the table not here at the computer or in front of the tv (which I've gotten into doing)... this should last me until lunch at work where I will have a tomato/spinach sandwich. Not sure what I will have for dinner since I'm going with my daughter and family to watch fireworks tonight. 
One of my goals is to have FUN..not to take everything so serious...