Choices

As this old year ends and a new year begins I think about the choices I've made and the choices I need to make in the future.

WORK...I chose to not go back into the office environment and to do what I've been doing most of life and become a Home Health Caregiver. Altho it doesn't pay any where near what I would be getting in the office, for me it's a lot less stressful and something I know I can do. I don't have to worry that my memory will fail me and that I won't be able to learn the new things I needed to in the office.

DATING....I'm choosing Not to go out of my way to find another mate.  I've pretty much given up on this one...I tried in the past 5 years but have found that I really like being by myself. I have enough "friends" to keep me company when I feel that I need it. If some day I meet someone that makes me feel right then so be it..until then I'm happy being by myself.

FITNESS...going back to the gym a few months ago was one of the best choices for me that I've made in a long time.  It's a stretch some months as far as the money goes but in the long run it is worth it to me. I feel so much better about myself knowing that I can go to the gym and work out. I also have the park, AOC, and TaeBo that I can do...The gym is a treat for myself that I think I deserve and need.
For the New Year I'm thinking about doing a 12 Week Starter Program that http://truth2beingfit.com/ mentioned in her blog yesterday. I think I've talked my Daughter into doing it with me. This will be in addition to the gym and my other activities..the only problem I can foresee is that I HATE floor exercises...but if I'm going to commit to getting back into shape this year then I going to have to do some things that I don't like...the good thing is that starting out it's only 3 days a week...I can do it in the morning before going to work right after getting up. No promises on this one..but I'm going to at least give it a try. If it's not a good fit for me then I will keep looking for something that is..I don't give up!

Everyday Choices are:
Getting out of bed and facing the day no matter what I'm feeling..
Not over eating or starving myself...either one of these DO NOT Work! I need to get back into eating 5 small meals a day.
To keep in touch with my friends and family (it's so easy for me to hide away in my house with a good book ALL of the time).
To blog no matter even if I'm not having a good day or staying on plan!

I didn't go to the gym last night, I ended up staying with Princess Val while her Dad went out with some friends..PV wasn't feeling well and we decided she didn't need to go out. Any way I earned a few extra dollars and this morning I was thinking of what I could spend those extra dollars on. My choices were
(a) a new pair of pants/jeans (I'm down to only 3 pairs that I can wear comfortably) (b) extra groceries or (c) get my hair cut (it's out of control and I hate looking at it in the mirror everyday...I could just chop it off myself)... I decided on C to get my hair cut..I really don't want to spend more money on clothes that I won't be wearing after I lose weight...(talk about motivation) and I already have money set aside for groceries  so I called my hairdresser/friend who I haven't been to in 3 months and made an appt for Monday (my day off)...It was good to talk to her and I'm excited to see her. I know I will feel better about myself after I get this mess my head trimmed up.

Now I'm off to work...More later
Happy New Year!

It's Thursday and I'm so not in the mood!

Yes I did make it to the gym last night. I did the treadmill for 1 mile and then did a leg workout. I know that I need to up my cardio but my right foot was cramping..I haven't been taking my supplements and I can tell it.

So today is a new day and I've already eaten my oatmeal/cranberries and taken my supplements. Now all I have to do is pack my bag for the gym and figure out what I'm going to have for lunch. I haven't been grocery shopping for me in 2 weeks (I did go last week and shop for Xmas Eve dinner and Holiday snacks) and my healthy choices are getting limited..no fresh veggies in the fridge..but I do still have the last of the pizza I had the other night (at least it's spinach & mushroom) and a couple of clematis's (which I absolutely love). I hate grocery shopping when I've got a limited amount of money. As usual It will be a tight month as far as money goes..but no sense in moaning about it..that's just my life anymore.

I wish I could get myself out of this mood I'm in today...I feel like the other shoe needs to drop...not sure what that really means.

I wish

I could say that I've been good this past week...but truthfully I've been VERY bad...I went to the gym only once..I didn't do TaeBo at all and I've eaten everything that I shouldn't have...LOTS and LOTS of sweets!

I feel like sh*t! My reflux is out of control..this from eating so much sugar..I'm coughing up a lung all the time (from the reflux)..eating tons of Tums for heartburn...and I have a constant headache (from the sugar again and not enough veggies)...

I did fix the ham ring for the kids on Xmas Eve and didn't eat it but had some ham left over and added it to my bean soup on Christmas Day...big mistake..one of the reasons I don't eat meat is that it doesn't like me...gives me diarrhea...well I spent most of Saturday night & Sunday morning on the toilet. still dealing with that problem some...it comes and goes... At least I'm getting cleaned out...LOL..

I still have sweets left in the house..I know that I should just throw it out..I did give most of what I made away but then my niece gave me a big tray that she had made up..she's going to school to be a chef...I've pretty much ate everything off that tray and keep telling myself that she went to all the trouble to make it for me I should just enjoy it (BTW she is very very skinny....doesn't have to worry about EVER gaining weight and eats like a pig). I'm not sure what happened to my Will Power this past week...It Totally disappeared...

I had my bag packed for the gym yesterday but could feel another attack of the diarrhea hitting me so I came home instead...and once I'm home that's where I stay...I fixed the frozen Spinach & Mushroom pizza that has been in my freezer for awhile and instead of only eating one piece I ate two!  I felt so stuffed afterwards!
At least I put the rest of it away in the fridge so I wouldn't be tempted later in the evening..I hate cold pizza!

I should be able to get back on track with my exercise today (I hope)...I miss the gym when i don't go but for some reason I've been giving into the inner voice a lot lately...My bag is still packed...I'm fixing veggie soup for lunch and trying to get my head back into the game...

I'm afraid to weigh myself but will do it before the end of the year...I promise! I know from how my clothes feel that I'm probably right back where I started a couple of months ago...I will not let this set back stop me though...I'll just start over again...and I'm not going to wait for the New Year!

A White Christmas in Georgia!



Christmas 2010

 Being from Wyoming and Colorado I grew up with snow on Christmas but I moved here to Georgia in 1986 and have probably seen snow on Christmas here maybe once. I got that good feeling inside me looking out the window this morning, mostly because I knew that I didn't have to go out and drive in it. I'm off work today and tomorrow so I plan on enjoying this gift to the max.

Last night I built a fire in the fireplace and watched a couple of old movies I had and thought about Larry and some of the good times we had together.



Christmas Blizzard 1982

 Christmas Eve 1982 Lar, Robbi, I and our dog Charlie were living in Lakewood Colorado and we had a blizzard. The next morning I got out and shoveled the walk so Lar could come outside. Being from N. Dakota he loved snow, but being in a wheelchair, it was hard for him to get around in snow. One of the reasons we chose Georgia to move to..we thought it would be easier in the winter. I know the picture is blurry but you can at least get an idea of how much snow we had. This is one of my favorite memories! I couldn't believe he came outdoors without his shirt..but he had an inner furnace those days and never seemed to get cold..he would drive his car with the heater blasting and his window down..Did I say that he loved snow! (at least  Robbi dressed warm..yes those are socks on her hands..best mittens ever). Later on that day Lar's best friend Warren came over and we had a snowball fight in the house...Crazy! Lots of Good Memories!

My life now is so quiet compared to when Lar was alive. The thing I love most about him was that you never knew what was going to happen. Each day was an "adventure" with him. There were no "rules"! He was an "one of a Kind of guy" and I miss him as much today as I did 7 years ago when he died. He will always be in my heart!
Altho I miss him I know he wouldn't want me to "mourn" him..he would want me to get out there and live life..which is what I try to do.

I'm off to build another fire in my fireplace, relax with a glass of wine and a good book! My kind of snowy day..no adventures for me today!

More later! Oh yeah...Happy Holidays!  Merry Christmas!

I feel so Righteous!

I went to the gym last night and there was hardly anyone there....It felt like a Saturday night at the gym..I guess everyone is out doing their last minute Christmas Shopping. That is one advantage to having very little money to spend, It doesn't take long to do your shopping.

I've got all my presents (what there is of them) wrapped and ready to give out tomorrow night. I've got most of my meal planned (I'm cooking) and even though I don't eat meat, I'm fixing my kids favorite Ham Ring with Cheese Sauce (for me I'm fixing the little salmon filled pretzels that I came up with a couple of weeks ago)....

I'm not working tomorrow so I will have the whole day off to finish cleaning my house before the kids come over for the annual Christmas Eve get together. This is a good way for all of us to get together and enjoy watching the kids unwrap Christmas presents.  But first we torture them by making them eat a dinner and then the kids read the the Story about Jesus being born on Christmas. We started this when about 13 years ago and it is now tradition. I think Traditions are good!

For today..I've got my gym bag packed and my Wild Rice & Mushroom soup all ready to take with me.
Not sure that I will actually go to the gym but if I have my bag with me that will be one less excuse I can use.

For now that's all I've got..so more later!

My Christmas list!

OK there are material things I want for Christmas (like a digital camera and a fire pit) but the things I really NEED are:
Willpower to get off sugar totally (again) and to stay off from it. I'm so addicted to sugar all it takes is one taste and then I crave it all the time. I've tried the substitutes, they either give me diarrhea, are too costly or don't satisfy my need. Honey comes the closest and I do use it in somethings.

Core Strength.. I find myself slouching all the time and I am constantly reminding myself to pull my shoulders back and sit up straight. It feels good to stretch out my back by sitting up straight and I'm not sure why I end up slouching. I see myself in pictures and I realize that I'm slouching and it makes me look all that much fatter.
When I stand or sit straight I actually look and feel thinner.

Positive Self Image... enough said!

Commitment...and not to the loony bin..I need to find the commitment that I had in 2003 to lose this weight and get myself fit. It was hard work but I did it then and I know I can do it again.

A short list (I'm not greedy) but I so wish I could wake up in the morning and find all of them in my life!

Wait a minute!!!!  I know that somewhere in me I have ALL of these things already. I just have to dig deep,  take them out of storage, dust them off and use them....

Fears Conquered!

Ok..I made it through the hike on Sunday and actually had a really good time.
As for my fears..well here's the list
You'll be the fattest person on the hike.... I was but it didn't seem to bother anyone else so I didn't let it bother me.


You're too out of shape to hike....Although I was really slow going uphill, I kept up with the group on the flats and downhills. We climbed up to the top of the mountain and then back down while it was snowing..
When we started there was just a little snow on the ground but by the time we got back to the cars there was at least 3 inches of snow. The temp was in the low 20's.

You're too old to hike ...Again I was the oldest in the group..but not too old to hike. There were 14 people signed up for this hike. 5 of us showed. The snow flurries scared most people off. Dirk & Peggy are in their 50's, Bill turned 59 on Sunday (I think going for a hike is a great way to celebrate your 59th birthday) and Dunkir (from India) was in his late 30's ...It was a fun group.

You'll wet yourself because your bladder can't wait anymore...used the restroom at the beginning of the hike and never even thought about it after that.

You'll get leg cramps....although I could feel my quads tightening up after about 2 hrs of climbing the hills I never got a leg cramp, I took my calcium and vitamin D before I left to go on the hike.

You won't be able to climb the hills...I just took it slow and steady uphill (and believe me there were a lot of them since we climbed to the top of the mountain) and my trekking poles really helped. I kept telling the others to go ahead and I would meet them at the top because I am so slow but they chose to pretty much stay with me.. We were ALL enjoying the hike and company too much.

You're going to make a fool out of yourself....Didn't happen

You're going to fail (AGAIN)... Didn't happen!

So again I wonder why I put myself through the self doubts before I do something. 

Monday night I went and got re certified for my CPR/AED and I left my cell phone at the fire station where we did the training. Didn't realize it until the next morning. It's weird how I've come to depend on having my phone with me while driving anywhere. I had to go 90 miles just to pick it up so was late to work. TG I have an understanding client. I ended up working late so didn't make it to the gym on Tuesday night.

Last night Atlanta had an ice storm so I chose to come straight home from work rather than push my luck and go to the gym then drive home later. Good thing too...I had just gotten home (which took me about a half hour longer than usual) and they close the road behind my house (the road I take to come home). It has a steep hill with a curve. When I drove it, I geared down, put on my flashers and took it really slow but I still slid most of the way down the hill. I could see the police lights from my kitchen window when I got home so I knew that they had closed it. There were a lot of accidents on the roads last night due to icy roads.
What I don't understand is how it can rain when it's below freezing...It's suppose to snow. I will take snow any day over ICE...I'm lucky that I don't have to go to work until after 10 am so hopefully by then the roads will be in good shape..The weather is suppose to warm up today.

Since I haven't been to the gym for a while, I woke up this morning and decided to get off my fat butt and do my TaeBo tape. My inner voice tried to tell me it's too cold but I didn't listen. I always feel better if I get my body to moving. I've still got my gym bag packed and in the truck but will wait to see if I go tonight or not.

Eating is out of control...I know that I need to get it under control but for some reason I just can't get my head into it right now. Lot's of sweets! I'm afraid to weigh myself...I think my scale is broken (LOL)..I know that I will NOT lose the weight until I can get portion control and the sweets out of my life, just not right now..PLEASE. 

One day at a time!

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm going on a hike today with the AOC (Atlanta Outdoor Club) and as usual I'm nervous about it. I didn't sleep well and I had a dream about going on a hike, kind of like the dream you have where you go back to high school and can't remember your locker combination...this one I get to the meet up and I go to grab my daypack but all that is in it is my sleeping bag..so I leave it and go grab my poles and all I can find is my walking stick, which I figure will work...as I am walking it turns into a broom..that's just the parts that I can remember..

Now don't get me wrong..I love hiking..it's just that I worry so much that I won't be able to do it...that I'll be late getting to the meet up. (I've been there before but it's on the other side of town) or that I will slow everyone up or I will fall and won't be able to get up...I know it's dumb to worry about it but I just can't seem to stop.

I so want to get back into hiking but I have all these negative thoughts going through my mind:
You'll be the fattest person on the hike
You're too out of shape to hike
You're too old to hike
You'll wet yourself because your bladder can't wait anymore
You'll get leg cramps
You won't be able to climb the hills
You're going to make a fool out of yourself
You're going to fail (AGAIN)...

OK..I've got to conquer those fears and JUST DO IT... and if any of my fears are realized I will live with that too...but if I don't try then I will Fail myself...
More Later

Christmas Temptation!

Chocolate Covered Cherries! OMG!...I've been patting myself on my back because every time I go to the store I've passed up buying any CCC...This has always been one of my biggest downfalls in life. I could eat a whole box by myself in one sitting.

I think my obsession with CCC started when I was a kid. I grew up very poor. My Mom was a single mother with four kids...Not easy in the 50's & 60's...We were on welfare in a small town. I have to say this for my Mom..she did her best..We always had a Christmas! My Mom's one weakness was CCC...she loved them..but when you have 4 kids who also loved any thing sweet any time there were CCC in the house, she was lucky if she got even one....So she would buy herself a box at Christmas and hide it...I don't know if my siblings knew that she did this..but I knew...usually because she sent me out to buy them...I would dream about those CCC...I would have traded my toys for a box...And probably for that reason CCC & Christmas seem to go together for me..I never crave them any other time...oh If I see them at the store I think to myself it would be nice to have a box..but I can pass them up without too much trouble.

Another funny CCC story is one that happened when my daughter was a teen and we had just moved to Atlanta. I had bought a box of CCC and brought them home..That box of CCC hardly made it through the door before it was devoured (not just by me)...So I figured it would be a good present if I bought each of us our own box and wrap it up and put it under the tree...Well, as Christmas got closer, I noticed that there were a lot more than the three boxes that I had put there in the same shape...It seems that Robbi, her Boyfriend & Larry had the same idea...When we opened the boxes on Christmas morn there were 16 boxes of CCC...Now you think this would have cured me of my CCC obsession..(and truthfully it did for a couple of years) but this year it seems to be in full force...

But as I said I've been doing real good restraining myself, reminding myself that all that sugar tears up my stomach...makes me cough and I REALLY don't need it..also I can use the money on something else...

So tonight I stopped over to my daughters for (supposedly) a moment...(it actually ended up longer) and my SIL tries to give me a box of CCC..it seems like there was sale and he bought 4 boxes...NOW you can be proud of me...because I said NO...I really wanted to say YES, YES & Yes....but I know me I couldn't just eat one piece of candy I would end up eating that whole box (probably in my truck on my way home).

One thing that helped me control myself is that I signed up for a hike on Sunday and I've got to stay Totally away from ALL sugars this next 3 days or I will end up coughing and with heartburn..and I hate that..

But I'm determined that the Christmas Temptation will not win this year!

Wish me Luck because it seems that they (CCC) are everywhere!

Christmas Wishes!

I'm a firm believer in that although life can be hard for me, there is always some good in my life too.

As I sat at my friend's house last night drinking a glass of wine, visiting with 2 of my good friends, we were discussing another friend who lost her Father a couple of months ago and how she is having such a hard time dealing with it.  I feel for this friend and wish I could give her some words that would make it all better for her. This time of season seems like it is so much harder to deal with loss.

 I lost my son in November 1978 and I remember that 1st Christmas without him. I was lucky that I had my daughter and niece to put my focus on. I had no money that year but I had a sewing machine and a bag of material that had been given to me. So I made the girls pj's & nightgowns and for their dolls I made outfits with the scraps of material. Some friends gave me an old wagon that I repainted for my daughter. My daughter was only five years old that Christmas and she loved the wagon and played with her doll and clothes for a long time. Focusing on what I did have and keeping busy got me through that Christmas...I guess what I'm trying to say here is that although it was a hard Christmas for me, it also holds good memories. Life is like that! It will hand you the hard times but also give you the good if you will only reach out and take it.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I DON'T have I forget what I DO have.  The material things seem to override all the other things in our lives. Right now, this morning, if I could be given One wish for Christmas, I wouldn't wish for money (although that would be nice to have)...I would wish that my friend and all the other's like her could find peace within themselves.

I look around at my family and friends and think how Lucky I am to have them. They are supportive of me and accept me just as I am (not always an easy thing). My Christmas wish for each of them is that they can   look for the good in their lives and only find happiness.

On the Positive Side: Although I couldn't go to the gym last, I did do my TaeBo workout at home in the morning before going to work (I'll be able to go the gym tonight).  Also I worked a couple of hours extra Tues night while Val's Dad went out to an event and got paid extra monies and he's asked me if I could stay extra on Friday night also. This gives me money to spend on Christmas gifts I wouldn't otherwise be able to afford this year. All is Good!

In This Topsy Turvy World

some times all it takes is knowing that you aren't alone..thanks to Grump and her comments on my last blog!

I woke up this morning thinking to myself.."I don't know why I keep struggling with this when I know I can't do it...I have no will power when it comes to food...I'm going to be busy this week and I won't get any exercise so I'll probably just put back on the weight that's taken me this long to take off...So why keep trying! Why don't I just Accept that I'm destined to be "Old and Fat"...Talk about feeling sorry for myself!!!

Well...thanks to Grump who got me going this morning I'm not going to Accept it. I deserve to be "fit & healthy"  I want to feel good about myself..It's when I stop caring that I defeat Myself! One thing that can be said about me is that I'm not a Quitter... What I really want to defeat is this feeling that I don't deserve to be what I know I can be..I just wish that it wasn't so hard to do.

Well, Nothing has ever been easy in my life, from my childhood, to losing a son and a husband...I've struggled with not having money before (you would think I would be good at it by now) and I've been by myself this past 8 years (really missing Larry today)..and will probably be by myself the rest of my life...So do I accept that all the bad things happening in my life and ignore all the good things I do have...NOT ON YOUR (or MY) LIFE!

Sure I don't have extra money to spend on presents for my family this year BUT I will still have Christmas at my house on Christmas Eve..I know that the kids all understand that I'm  not be able to give expensive gifts but I do have lots of LOVE to give to each of them. And although Larry isn't with me for Christmas (you would think after 8 years it would get easier), he's in my heart as always.

I'm determined I will get to the gym at least 2X this week. I will eat my soup (which is already made for the week) for lunch. I will not give into this Self pity party! Even if I don't lose weight this week I will NOT give up, there is always next week!

On the Positive Side...My bills are paid for this month..I have groceries in my house..I always have a book I can read..and I have family and friends out there that care about me...what else could a person want in life?

Quick update!

I did go to the gym on Thursday night but I got there later than I usually do (I worked late) and since I've been thinking about doing a class (I have done Kickboxing & Hip Hop classes a couple of year ago when I lost all my weight) I decided to check into the Cardio Kickboxing Class since it was just about to begin.
This was a big mistake for me...first off the instructor comes in and doesn't even say anything to anyone, just goes over to the stereo and starts his music, LOUD, even if he did say anything you couldn't hear him because the music was so LOUD. I guess I'm definitely getting older because although I don't mind loud music in my truck (that way I don't hear all the noise it makes) Loud music at the gym gives me a headache....Then he starts right in on jumping up and down and swinging his arms (I think it was suppose to be an upper cut)..now this may have been his warm up but it wasn't any moves I had ever seem before in any class I've taken...and it wasn't what I call a warm up but since I decided that I would try this class I went ahead and started jumping up & down, only to land wrong on my right foot and my ankle went out on me...I decided this was a sign that I wasn't meant to do this class..so I walked out on the class and went upstairs to the treadmill and tried to walk/run and made it for a mile before my ankle totally gave out on me..I finished up the night on the recumbent bike, did 3 miles, but even that hurt my ankle...
My ankle was fine yesterday but my legs were killing me from the workout on Weds night...I did go to the gym and did an upper body workout but no cardio...
It seems that I come up with these big plans but never carry them out all the way..not sure how to change this but will keep working on it..I know that I need to up my cardio!
Today is Saturday and I have a b'day party for my nephew in law who turns 45 this month so that means no gym tonight.... I will go after work..no worries about over eating, they will probably not have any foods that I like but it will be good to visit with people I don't see often anymore...
more later

Big Talk..now let's see some Action!

As I said before..I can talk big but when it comes to actually doing the deed I seem to fail at it.

I woke up this morning with the great idea of when I go to the gym tonight after work (notice I said When not IF) I will walk/run 3 miles on the treadmill. Now for some reason I can do 3 miles (45 mins) at the park (my problem there is actually going to the park...once I'm there no problem) but I can barely stand to do 1 1/2 miles (30 mins) on the treadmill. That 20 mins on the treadmill seems like forever. I don't listen to music because it gives me a headache. I've never been able to do more than 40 mins on a treadmill even in my "best" days when I was in good shape...not because my body couldn't do it but I just can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it.

So the challenge for me today is that I WILL get on that treadmill tonight after work and I will do 3 miles no matter how long it takes. My plan is not to do any weight tonight (I might do some ab work, no promises, I'll have to see how I feel). I did lower body last night at the gym (no cardio because I forgot my socks. EXCUSE?) and want to save my upper body for tomorrow night since so I can workout in the free weight area. I've got a b'day party to go to on Saturday night so this will be my only chance for the rest of this week.
I know I need to up my cardio anyway..

I will be back to record exactly what I do...this will keep my honest.
more later

Christmas is getting CLOSE!

I can't believe it's the first day of December already. How times flies!  Although I'm dreading Christmas because of my money situation, I've come to the conclusion since I can't keep it from happening then I'm going to "embrace" it.  I've got Christmas decorations I haven't put up for 8 years..and since this is something I can do that does not cost anything, I'll get up in the attic and pull them down and decorate my house this year...won't my kids be surprised. I put lights on one of my trees out in the yard last year and that shocked everyone..I think I'll go for a bigger shock this year. I'll post a picture here when I get done.

I've already told my daughter that I will be fixing her cousins & hers favorite meal this Christmas Eve (which is always spent at my house by the family) and she has offered to help with the cost. More on this later.

Last year I gave everyone books from my library (I was even more broke last year than I am this year). Not sure yet what I'm going to do but have been looking into what I can do on a budget. I really like giving presents (sometimes I think it's more fun for me than it is the person recieving) and I've been known to give some pretty weird gifts (especially to the guys).

I've made up my mind that I will not get depressed about what I CAN'T do this year but will look into what I CAN do.

More later since I'm running late (spent too much time reading other blogs) and have to go pack my lunch for work. Already have my bag for the gym packed!