I need someone to be accountalbe to!

I see it's been almost a month since I've actually blogged my thoughts...cartoons don't really count! It seems like if I miss a couple of days it's harder to get back on track. I use the excuse that since no one really is reading this blog but me that it won't matter that I miss a few days. Then there are the days that  I just don't have anything I want to say. I haven't even been going to other blogs to get motivated and to see how everyone else is doing. I miss Grumpy..and wonder if she is having the same problem I am or if she just didn't want to "waste" her time blogging.

I wish I could say that in this last month my life has gotten better...but I can't...it hasn't gotten worse either.
I still haven't gone to the doctor to see if I have a Thyroid problem..not having any medical insurance or extra money is part of it but mostly because I have this adversion to doctors. I spent soo much time with Larry in the hospital and at doctors to no avail that I've come to believe that doctors may have alot of knowledge but mostly they can only guess at what the problem is and that the doctors of old who really cared for thier patients as people are no longer out there..now a days the medical profession is just that " profession". Doctors are out there only to make money..they don't even see you as a person..they certainly don't remember you as soon as they leave the room. Enough of the ranting..the question is Where does that leave me as far as my health goes? I'll have to get back to that after I've figured it out.

February being a short month (only 28 days) really hurt in my paychecks this month. I get paid only for the days I work so being shorted 2 days on my last paycheck of the month which i usually to pay my living expenses (electric, phones, water, etc) really hurt. My salary is pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole anyway. I tell myself that I am lucky that I have a job..there are so many people out there out of work right now...but it doesn't make it any easier for me when I have to figure out how to eat on $15 a week, because food is the only thing I am able to cut back on. This doesn't help when you are trying to eat healty and lose weight..I can eat on that amount and keep full but mostly it consists of garbage.

I have done something POSITIVE for myself this past month. I've taken up learning French again. I tried a couple of years ago and got discouraged because I just never got the "rolling of the R". But this time I have some friends who are helping me.  My friend "J" is actually planning on moving to France in a couple of years and my dream is to be able to go visit her when she does. I've joined a couple of French Clubs through Meetup.com. besides meeting up with 4 of my friends (J included) every Weds night at a french restruarant to go over what I have learned..I been signed up for About.com French for years and have been saving all my emails from them and am now going back and learning. I also have a set of tapes that I got years ago by Berlitz which I've dug out again and listen to in my truck on my way to work..as you can see..I am determined to learn this time. I just hope I can retain what I learn this time..

As far as my exercise is going...I was walking at the park with "T" for a couple of Sundays and it was nice, but she is having car problems and I'm using the excuse that I don't have the money for gas to drive all the way to the park right now.  I've hit the gym a couple of times a week but I know I need to go more often and get a real good workout. I just wish I could get motivated again. I'm fine once I get there and get started but I seem to find excused NOT to go. And I hate coming here writing about those excuses.

I haven't weighed myself this past month and I'm not sure when I will.

I hate that I sound so blah but that's how I feel today. At least I came here..
Last thought for the day...Why is it that when I'm at work on Saturday when I can't get out of the house (like yesterday),the weather is beautiful and then on Sunday (like today) when I can, it's cloudy and gloomy..I hate
it!
More later (I promise)

I just don't get it!

Last week I didn't do a bit of exercise...No gym, no TaeBo workout & none of the new workout program.
I was discouraged because the week that I did ALL I gained ...true it was only .5 pounds but come on, here I was sweating my butt off morning and night and I still couldn't even get a .5 pound loss...instead I gained...So when the snowstorm hit I was depressed..couldn't get out to the gym if I wanted too...and I just couldn't find the motivation to pop in the TaeBo workout and definitely didn't want to do the new workout with the dreaded "Inchworm"...So for 3 days I stayed home and did absolutely nothing...just sat around and watched the news on tv...oh yeah I did clean up my spare room the first day of the storm but truthfully that only took me about a half hour and there wasn't all that much "exercise" to it. It felt good knowing the room was clean enough so that IF I had company and they saw it they wouldn't think me a "slob". The 4th day of the storm I did go out and shovel my driveway..that was a workout and it took me 3 hours...but otherwise there was NO exercise all last week....
Anyway I decided that I would weigh myself this morning....a scary thing...I said my little prayer that I didn't gain but at least stayed the same weight...Would you believe I LOST 2 pounds...I just don't get it!

I've been checking into Hypothyroidism....I'm thinking that I might have a thyroid problem...from the article I read it seems that women 60 yrs and older are at the highest risk. What is hypothyroidism?

Hypothyroidism means your thyroid is not making enough thyroid hormone. The thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland in the front of your neck. It makes hormones that control the way your body uses energy.

Most of the signs are there for me...
weight gain, dry skin & brittle nails, depression, bothered by cold,  & memory problems. It's been weird for me that I never had any problem losing weight 5 years ago doing the same things I'm doing now. I noticed my nails about a month ago and figured I wasn't getting enough nutrients in my diet. I've dealt with depression all my life but lately it seems to hit me more often and is harder for me to control. This past summer I noticed that I'm always cold at night...I've always loved going backpacking in the winter more than summer but I just couldn't face the cold this past winter, I figured it was due to the weight I'm carrying but now I'm thinking maybe there is something physically wrong with me...It would be nice if my memory loss is something physical too...it worries me that I have such a hard time remembering things...especially since I love to learn. I know that I'm in line for Alzheimer's and worry about it but knowing that there really isn't anything I can do about that now I just try to live my life to the fullest I can. And to do that I need to be as fit as I can get. There are so many things I still want to do NOW...and my weight is keeping me from doing it...so what is the answer?
Since I don't have health insurance I'm going to check into one of these "minute clinics" to see if they can do the blood test to test for Hypothyroidism. In ways it would be nice to have an answer and know that there is a treatment for it...My #1 niece is on medication for it...so I know it runs in the family...


I did do my new workout this morning...not because I think it's going to help me lose this weight but because I feel better if I exercise...I made a commitment to doing this 12 week workout program and I'm not going to let a little setback stop me from completing it.
As always I go forward...never letting obstacles get in my way...leaping over tall building here...see my cape flying in the sky. LOL

not feeling good about myself

I did a no no yesterday and weighed myself.(instead of waiting til Monday)..I was hoping for maybe a .5# loss but instead I've gained .5#..
Not sure what is going on with my body...it might be something medically wrong with me (like a thyroid problem) but since I don't have any medical insurance I won't be going to a doctor to find out. I'll just have to keep trying my own way. I didn't do any workout yesterday because I'm still dealing with a headache and some bowel problems (also being discouraged), still not feeling too good today so didn't workout again this morning. I still have my 3rd workout for this week to do and I'm hoping I will feel better tomorrow (my day off) so I can get it done. I will say that if this workout didn't have the dreaded "Inchworm" I would have probably done it no matter how I felt this morning (haha so I tell myself)...

I need an attitude adjustment today...good thing I'm off work tomorrow...We are expecting a big snow storm to come in latter tomorrow so I need to get to the store to buy "whatever" I need in case I get snowed in...LOL...Atlanta is so funny about that...I do have firewood, candles and my books (and 3 headlamps just in case) so I am ready...
More later

Day 3

First off I would like to tell "Grump" Thanks for all of her comments and that she has nothing to be ashamed for...we each do our own thing and truthfully although I'm determined to do this THIS week, I can't make any promises what will happen next week. We each find our own motivation in our own way. You are doing good by blogging..it helps me to know that I'm not alone in this WAR against "lazy" self...

Day 3
TaeBo tape Done
Supplements & vitamins Done
Gym Bag packed Done
Oatmeal/cranberries for breakfast Done
Lunch (soup again) packed   Done

Yep I went to the gym last night even after going over to my daughters for a few minutes...No excuses accepted! I kept my truck running while in my daughter's so I would be tempted to stay..I had to deliver some candles to her that she had ordered..
The gym is a good place for me..I saw a couple of friends that encourage me to keep coming. And I raised my weights on the bench press...whooo hooo ..I'm aiming to become the "strong older woman" of the gym...

I've been fighting a temptation today...I keep thinking about getting on the scale and weighing to see if I'm losing...I know this is not good for me...and I will wait until Monday to weigh but the temptation is killing me..
I've never been one of those people who believe in the scale because it fluctuates all the time...I've tested it myself by weighing myself several times in one day and it always read a different number.  So I WILL stay away from the scale..but what a temptation!

I put on my favorite jeans (size 16) today and had to lay on the bed to snap and zip them up (I just washed them)..this is not good...With the ab exercises I've been doing I can see the differance above my waistline but that "apron" on my lower belly just does not go away, except when I put on tight jeans then it only moves up above the waistline to become my "muffin top"..it's like a big jelly roll...moves around all over the place...this is not good..I know that the jeans will stretch out as the day goes by and fit better(at least I hope so) but in the meantime here I sit with my belly being held tight in by material and makes it hard for me to breath..(how did I do this when I was young and ALWAYS wore Tight jeans?). I try not to get discouraged about the rolls of fat I have but the one thing I do know from past experience is that although I can lose the pounds and become smaller in size, I will still have all of the extra skin hanging on my "apron"(lower belly), my "Wings" (under my arms) and "Wattle" (under my chin)..this is what happened to me when I got down to size 10.They don't look as big but they are still there flapping...I hate it but it's part of getting older I guess! I try not to think about it but it is always in the back of my mind...It doesn't change my mind about wanting to get back to my size 10 but it does bother me. I guess it comes down to me wanting to look good! Can I feel good if I don't look good? Hmmm that's the big question for me today! I do feel good about myself (as long as I don't look in the mirror or see a picture of myself)...


Day 3 Inspiration...Every little success counts!

Starting the day off right!

It's my day off today..and I've work up a good sweat with Billy Blanks Tae Bo. I feel full of energy now! I had a glass of juice and in a little while I'll fix me my oatmeal. I NEVER eat before I exercise because I would get reflux.  It takes awhile for me to feel hungry after I exercise. I like to relax so when I do eat it will stay down. I hate having stomach problems but that's life for me and I've learn how to deal with it.

I did NOT listen to my inner child last night and I DID go to the gym...I will admit that I called my Daughter to push me into going. My inner child was giving me lots of EXCUSES not to go but I didn't give in and as usual once I was there I did fine. In fact although I didn't do the treadmill for cardio, one of the Stair Monsters was free and just waiting for me so I did 20 mins on it..It kicked my butt...by the time I was done I was soaking wet with sweat but it felt good..I kept my form (no leaning over and holding onto the front of the machine as I see so many peeps doing) and upped my level. Then I did a good leg work out..(gripping here).one of the things that really bugs me about the gym is those people who sit on a machine (especially if there is only one, like the abductor machine) and visit with their friends while I'm waiting to use that machine. I will usually ask (politely) how many more sets they have and hope they take the hint...and if they don't then I move onto another machine until they leave..but it still upsets me when peeps use the gym for social hour...when I talk with others I try not to hog a machine at the same time. But I still love going to the gym.  I haven't seen the older lady that I talked with last week but I'm hoping that she is coming at a different time than me.

Still not as on track with eating as I would like to be but I am working on it. It's not that I eat food that I shouldn't, more like that I don't balance my meals like I know I need to be doing. It's hard for me to get in enough protein in my diet. I would be happy just eating Vegetables only all day long!
On the Positive side..I am doing better at controlling my sugar intake..in fact I had to ask my daughter to bring sugar ( for those people who use it in their coffee or tea) to my candle party because I didn't have any in the house and didn't want to buy any and have it here in the house. I'm using honey in my tea or drinking the loose leaf tea that my friend Corey brought me from Germany..it has dried fruit in it so I don't need any sweetener. I do so love my tea!

I finally faced the dreaded scale today and I've lost another pound for a total of six. Although I wish it was more I'm not discouraged. I know for me it just going to take time..I guess I would rather lose it slow than fast..I've done it both ways before and I need time to adjust my thinking so once I do lose it I will NOT gain it back...I want off this yo yo merry go round...

I don't have any plans on what to do with my 2 days off right now. I'm still short on money this week so don't want to burn gas running around so looks like I'll stay home. I'll probably end up reading one of my new (used) books...good thing I worked out this morning...

Weigh in today!

Although I've been good about what I eat and have gotten in some good exercise my weigh in shows I'm still at the same weight I was last week..I didn't lose but then I didn't gain either..so I guess I'm ok with this..a little disappointed but I'm not going to let it get me down. I'll just have to look at what I'm doing and see if I can tweek it a little. There is no easy answer for me to losing this weight..

On the positive side..I'm  physically feeling so much better than I did a few months ago..it's nice to be able to walk 3 miles and still feel good...and I'm upping my weights & reps at the gym..Just last night after getting home from the gym I was sitting on the couch and I noticed how easy it was to cross my legs again...there for awhile a couple of months ago I could barely do that..I find myself moving so mush easier..my joints aren't aching near as much (just first thing in the morning but I contribute that to "old age") .
I know I've been focused on what I'm eating this last couple of weeks but I've still been working out at least 3 times a week. I know for me I need more than that. I guess you could say I'm a work in progress..a never ending job. I know I can't rush things.I've done that before and sure I lost the weight but then I gained it right back..I also know that there is a time when I need to push myself more. It's a battle for me trying to find the right balance...but I'll won't give up!

I'm trying not to get discouraged about the money situation..I never heard back on the part time job I applied for..it would have been perfect and it would have helped me so much..but it must not have been in the cards for me...so I will keep looking. I hate that there are things I would love to do but don't have the money to do them..There is a hike in NC next Weds that I would love to go on but there is a charge to get into the park and also gas money..it's not much but more than I have right now..I know that there will be other times and other things I can do but it still doesn't keep me from feeling discouraged. I'm trying to remember that there are so many things I have to be thankful for that I can do..but damn it would be nice to go on that hike..this time of year is my favorite time for hiking..

It's a beautiful morning out and as soon as my laundry get done I'm heading out for a walk...I need an "attitude" adjustment and that should do it..
Hope ya'll have a great day!

Mixed feelings today!

Anxious...As usual monies have a lot to do with how I'm feeling today. I am short of it this coming month and I'm trying NOT to let it rule me. I will find a way to deal with it WITHOUT turning to food for comfort. I dread the next couple of months due to the holidays..Mainly because if I don't work I don't get paid. With my type of work I don't get any benefits..no Paid Holidays...In October the family I work for will be taking a vacation to the seaside..I'm happy for them but since I live on a very tight budget the three days I won't be working mean that I will be really strapped for monies. Not sure how I'm going to handle it but I know that EATING anything I can get my hands on is not the answer..

Happy...I weighed myself this morning and I'm down another 2 pounds..Whoohooo..I've been doing pretty good on eating..not that I'm on a "DIET" but I've been trying to balance my meals and to limit my snacks.
I've found that when I eat a good supper/dinner with protein and carbs I'm not so hungry at night..I still have the urge to "graze" as soon as I get home but have found that is more of a reflex than real hunger...usually a cup of hot tea take care of the problem..Been pretty much on with taking pictures (this seems to really work for me) except on Sunday..(I'm not going to "beat" myself up over it but TRY not to let it happen to often,...and make sure I get right back on track..(which I did yesterday).

Hopeful...My goal for October is to get down below 210 pounds. I goal for 2010 is by Christmas to weigh less than 200 pounds..I know that this shouldn't be all that hard because I've 3 months to lose 15 pounds but every time I set a timeline for a goal I seem to sabotage myself and I don't want to set myself up for that so I'm going to go month my month...October will be a challenge because of the monies but I will find a way..If determination is all I have then I will use that to the full extent..I may end up eating soups most of the month but hey..I like soups..NO Halloween candies for this girl!..

Proud..this past week I accomplished 2 of my goals...I went hiking and I walked/ran in a 5K..I'm not sure what I will do for an exercise goal for October yet but I'm looking out for something.  I would love to do some backpacking but since I work weekends and don't have the monies to take off, it looks like I will have to wait on this one..I'm going to set new goals for October!

Jealous..I see my friends doing things I would love to be doing..like backpacking, going out to nice restaurants...etc..all things that I can't do right now because of MONIES...but I'm not letting it eat me up..I know there are things I CAN do and I will find them..

Thankful....that I have a place that I can come and put all my feeling out there with out the fear of being judged...and to know that I'm not alone in this stuggle to find myself.

No Excuses and No Apologizes

Today is my day off and I haven't done anything that I can be proud of except play on the computer, think about what I can eat... and..Oh yeah..I read a book! No exercise at all...am I discouraged with myself..NOPE...I just felt like taking a day off..NO excuses..no apologizes..I just did it!

I weighed myself this morning and I've actually lost 2 pounds this past week...(I'm determined that I'm not going to find them next week)..to some 2 pounds may not sound like a lot but to me it's a start and so much better than I've been doing in the past few months (I've gained since I started blogging)
So No Excuses and No Apologizes..I say waaahooo here I go!

I've actually done good on eating today..although I've done a lot of thinking about Just what I can eat..knowing that I'm going to take a picture of anything that goes into my mouth has made me really AWARE of just what I'm going to eat...Made me have to stop and think..

Last night I almost listened to my IC (inner child) to not take the picture of the popcorn and just eat it..if no one knows that I ate it then it doesn't count..right? But I took a firm hand with IC and said that if this is going to work for me then I have to be HONEST..I still ate the popcorn but it was only a half of mini bag (I stopped the microwave before all of it popped..lots of kernels that I couldn't eat)..it was good and I figured I hadn't done all that bad on what I ate all day...so No excuses and No Apologizes to myself...Like I said before..I'm not going to deny myself foods but I will make sure that I don't go overboard!  
(I've taken pictures of EVERYTHING I've eaten so far today and will post it Before I go to bed..that way if I decide to have a snack it will be included)..

I'm going on a hike tomorrow evening across town with the AOC group..it's a beginners hike but since I work on weekends I can't be too picky..besides I'm taking my friend Lettie with me..she's been wanting to hike...also I know the trip leader, been backpacking with her a couple of times, and She's a hoot...I really like her..She's asked me to be the "sweeper" for the group so she can concentrate on all the "newbies"...Just in case you didn't know the "sweeper" is the last person on the trail to make sure there aren't any stragglers or that anyone gets lost..Since this is where I like to hike anyway it works out great..should be a nice nice for hiking...I just wish I hadn't lost my headlamp just in case it gets dark on us..I do have a small flashlight that I can take just in case..It should be fun and I can get some exercise in..I'm not worried about this hike like I was the last one I went on..I know that I will do all right..I've been doing the treadmill and the stair"monster" at the gym and feel much better about doing anything cardio..besides I've decided that I will just do what I can ...No excuses and No Apologies...

I'm off to steam me some veggies and grill some fish for dinner (and take a picture) then maybe watch some tv...continuing with my DAY OFF...and making NO excuses and No apologizes...

September's a busy month!

I'm looking at my calendar for this month and am amazed that I have so much to do. It started out with my End of the Summer Party I had this past Friday. A fun group and a fun time had by all.

I also have 3 birthdays (my grandson's 12th tomorrow, Princess Val's next week, and my Daughters at the end of the month), a baptism on the 12th, a wedding on the 18th and the 5K to run on the 26th....

So with all this to do how am I going to stay on track to getting fit? One day at a time!

   One of my friends took this picture of me at my party. As I've said before I HATE pictures of myself because in my mind I don't look like that.. I always make a weird face, like that's going to distract from my body..I try not to do this anymore but as you can see from this one..I'm still doing it..What's with that? I kind of like that the picture here is distorted, in the original I look fatter. It's like a fun house mirror. Maybe I need one of those in my bedroom...you know the farther away you stand the taller and skinnier you look..LOL..problem is I would probably get one of those that makes me look shorter and fatter..OH NO! I never realize how short I look until I see me in pictures. I think I'm going to have to start wearing long sleeve shirts because my arms are getting age spots on them..I try to pass them off as freckles but they are getting to big for that. Oh Well. I have friends & family (most of them in fact) that are very photogenic..they all know just how to pose to look good and none of them make weird faces. I've never been photogenic. It's a challenge to who ever is taking my picture to get a good one of me. I'm not worrying about that anymore. I just do the best that I can and live with the results.

I did weigh myself this morning and was surprized that I had not gained but actually had lost 1 pound..I know 1 pound doesn't sound like much but it's still better than gaining, which I thought I had. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter if I don't lose weight as long as I am doing all the things I know that I should be doing..eating healthy, drinking water and getting exercise. Truthfully IF I really was doing all this I would be Losing the weight. Since I've started this Blog I have actually gained So I need to take a LONG HARD look at where I am today and quit lying to myself and saying it doesn't matter..Because It does.

I haven't been posting my weight because (1. )I'm ashamed that I weigh so much. (2.) I refuse to let the # rule me..As I've said before (or if not in writing I'm saying so now). My weight does not define me..It is not WHO I am. .(3.) I do not weigh on a regular schedule but when I do weigh it is at the same time of the day, first thing in the morning. (4.) My weight has been fluctuating between 3 pounds.
I will probably start posting WHEN I start losing on a regular basis. My immediate goal is to get under 200 pounds before Christmas. I have clothes that I would love to get into by this winter.

I went to the gym last night for the first time in over a week. It felt good but I really had to talk myself into it..my inner voice kept coming up with all the excuses why I didn't need to go..but I didn't give into it.

On the Positive Side...Sometimes being forgetful is good. The last couple of times I've gone to the grocery store my inner voice has talked me into buying a candy bar (Three Musketeer is my fav..) but when I get up to the check out I forget..then remember when I get out to the truck and it's too late.  This has happened to me the last 3 times I've gone. Not a Bad Thing..

I am ready to get serious!

I'm not done analyzing why I didn't/haven't maintained my weight loss but I feel that I've gotten to a point where I am ready to get serious about starting "My Program" to get myself fit again.

Saturday July 3rd is as good as any day to start!
I got up and made my bed, put a load of laundry in the machine and then weighed myself...(ouch). I weigh
216.0# ...not good but when I weighed myself last week I weighed 219.6#...I'm not going to count that as a loss until we see if I don't gain it back this week.  Seriously I don't judge myself on "NUMBERS" ...I refuse to beat myself up if I don't lose a certain amount of weight each week. WHEN (not IF) I get control of my life I know it will come off...I had originally set a date of October 1st to lose 50#s...I now realize that is an unrealistic goal for me...I don't want to be tied to the scale...as long as I am losing I will know that I am doing good!

I'm starting back on supplements..I would rather not take them but I know I need them. I don't eat meat or dairy products. More on this later!

I then put a Billy Blanks Tae Bo tape in and worked out with him for 45 mins...I'm surprized but I did better than I thought I would..I took Kickboxing at the gym for 2 years and used to be pretty good (or at least I thought I was). I had some trouble with the kicks...but otherwise I'm pleasantly proud of myself...And all this time I've been telling myself that I can't keep up or do most of the moves...hmmm...again I need to believe in myself!  My plan is to do a tape at least every other morning...With the new job I have a couple of hours in the morning to myself and I have several differant exercise tapes to chose from..or I'll do one of the ones on FIT TV (not Gilad...he's creepy to me..worse than Richard Simmons..yech)...
I'm still planning on working out in the gym at the house where I work but first I want to get settled in with Val (the girl I'm taking care of)...and then it will be working with the weights..I can do cardio at the park on my days off and also doing the tapes..I do feel for me EXERCISE is the most important thing...I know that I feel better when I exercise..I still want to get back in shape enough to do a 5K and my dream of hiking/backpacking (and keeping up with everyone) will help me keep motivated.

After exercising I checked my emails and read Stop Dieting & Start Living! by Dean Anderson at SparkPeople (my motivation for the day).  Now I'm journaling for the day..I feel pretty darn good about myself this morning..ready to meet the world..

My plans for the rest of the day is to eat breakfast..I had to wait for 30 mins after taking 1 oz of  Organic Apple Cider Vinegar (more on this later too).  I am going to have 1 whole wheat waffle (instead of my usual 2) some cantaloupe and a glass of mango juice which I WILL eat at the table not here at the computer or in front of the tv (which I've gotten into doing)... this should last me until lunch at work where I will have a tomato/spinach sandwich. Not sure what I will have for dinner since I'm going with my daughter and family to watch fireworks tonight. 
One of my goals is to have FUN..not to take everything so serious...