I AM good!

I don't know why I ever doubt myself or am afraid to admit how good I am at what I do!

I've spent the last week trying to show/train someone to take my place with Mike since I started my new job with Val on Sunday.  Yesterday and today I've been showing Rita (the 3rd person to apply for the job) what all needs to be done. Showing someone else has given me a view of ALL that I do...and it really is a lot..especially since I've started the new job where I don't have to do all that much but be there to make sure Val is safe in a nice clean environment.  Mike you have to do almost everything...from getting him out of bed the first thing in the morning, putting him on the potty ..to giving him a shower every night and getting him into bed. All this is done in a home that is not the cleanest..the woman is a hoarder and it has driven me crazy for the past year..but I've kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad..but after the 1st person walked off the job because of the smell and the 2nd person didn't come back the second day..and now Rita is asking me how I stand the mess (I don't think she will last long) I realize that there is NO reason why I should have put myself through what I did in the last year..Thank God I'm out of there after tomorrow!
If nothing else this experience has shown me that I am good! I can do anything I put my mind too...

And on the funny side!

Thanks to Joy of Six  blog "Body Snatchers" today I was reminded that Life is funny...I don't have to be serious all of the time..It felt so good to just laugh out loud..

#7. Come out of seclusion

from SparkPeople Top 10 Strategies for Success..Use these ideas to meet your goals- by Mike Kramer
Has anyone ever achieved anything of real value all alone?  Probably not many.  Most receive some form of help from other people.  Support, information, a sense of shared experience, encouragement, advice, and well-timed pep talk are all invaluable as you set off on your adventure.

For me this should be #1 and it is probably the hardest thing for me to do and to maintain.  Altho if you ask my family they will tell you that I'm always busy.  I've kept busy with my Thus friends, even gone skydiving with my AOC friends . ...but through all that I HAVE secluded a part of me from everything..

I have basically given up on alot of things that made me happy and confident about myself.. my outdoor/hiking group (I've gone from doing something every month to only 2 trips this past year)..using the excuse that I've gotten too old and slow to keep up with all those young people...this is more Malarkey...I had to give up my gym (due to money cutbacks) and have lost contact with some really good friends I made there (not all). I gave up my own blog (using the excuse that I was tired of hearing me moan & groan about how unfair life was being to me) and reading other blogs. I gave up my support group at eDiets..tried SparkPeople but told myself that there wasn't a group that I fit in with and I didn't need it.  I've had times in the past 3 years that I tried to come out of seclusion only to go back to hiding after a few days/weeks..Mostly I've found myself escaping by reading books and going on FB to play games (I can spend a whole day playing Mafia Wars) Why did I let myself get to this point?

As I look back I can see what I did to myself..trying to isolate myself so I wouldn't have to admit that I have a problem...And my problem is that I don't/didn't want to admit to myself that I failed in keeping this weight off..that by secluding myself I gave myself permission to go back to not caring about myself enough to take care of ME..
I need to keep telling myself that I'm NOT all about the Weight..that I am a Person of Worth no matter how I look on the outside...I know that I feel better about myself when I look good but going into seclusion wasn't all about how I looked..I lost confidence in myself..I started to convince myself that I couldn't do the things I enjoyed/wanted..I was/am still afraid of failing so it's so much easier not to try. It is so much easier to NOT come here and examine why I do the things I do.

So coming out of seclusion at step at a time for me means getting my confidence back and not being afraid of admitting that I can fail..but always about getting back into the game and doing my best..

I am so lucky that I DO Not have to do this alone..I have some really great friends and family who are all supportive WHEN I let them.  The tools I need are right here. All I have to do is reach out and use them

It's the little things in life

I am feeling so much more positive these days and it's all due to taking 1 step at a time. Mostly trying to get myself back to being me.  For longer than I want to admit to I've been really lazy about keeping my kitchen clean...letting the dishes stack up, not putting things away...using the EXCUSE that if my kitchen isn't clean then I won't go in there and make something I don't need to be eating...Truthfully that's a bunch of malarkey...I've just been lazy and it didn't stop me from eating junk.

I can't get my dishwasher to run so last week I broke down and bought a small drainboard and have been making it a habit to clean the kitchen each night before going to bed (doing the dishes by hand..hmmm who would of thought)..I give myself 10 minutes and sometimes it doesn't even take that long..there is only me and since I don't want a bunch of dishes to wash it keeps me from making things I don't need.  NO MORE EXCUSES.

 Also notice all the veggies on the counter...being a vegetarian you would think that I eat alot of fresh veggies...well altho I love veggies, for quite some time now I haven't wanted to take the time or the effort to eat them..been buying frozen (nothing wrong with that but fresh is so much better) or just eating LOTS of carbs...using the "EXCUSE" that fresh is too expensive..Yay summer!  My Daughter & SIL have a garden this year and they gave me yellow squash & tomatoes..which I've been snacking on the last couple of days..I love raw yellow squash..I slice it and use hummus as a dip...and Tomato sandwhiches are the best ever..specially with some spinach..Oh I know I still have a long way to go to get back to eating the way I need to but I feel so much better physically & mentally these days.

I've been reading motivational stuff here online and printing out a few articles I find helpful and even though
I haven't lost any weight, I know that I need to set some definite Positive goals SOON.  Goals that I can reach..I just keep putting it off because I don't want to fail. But I am working on it!
I figure I'll just take it slow but want to keep moving FORWARD..
All those little things I'm doing (cleaning my closet, kitchen, eating fresh veggies) will add up and one day I'll stop and looks and see that Lady Sue is there..

Step 2. Fit into that dress.

Step 2. Fit into that dress..(fromSparkPeople.. 9 Hidden Reasons to Stay Motivated )

It's been hanging up in your closet for 2 years now, just waiting to be thrown on for a night on the town. All it takes is for you to go that extra mile and stay on track. Before you know it, those 2 years will be acient history.

Before I get into this let me clarify some things.

I'm trying to get my life back to a place that I can focus on losing the weight and getting myself back into shape..but before I can get serious about that I need to do some cleaning up. 

 I LOVE MY HOUSE!!!

For the past year I've gotten so lazy about my surrounding and I find that this is all part of what I call my "depression". I've never been a "clean" nut but I do like things neat and tidy...a little dust never bothers me but I don't like clutter..Up to a year ago I always made my bed first thing in the morning..it only takes a couple of mins because I don't usually move around alot in the night. But if I'm being Truthful with myself (and I'm striving for that) I've let my house inside and outside go to pot. I've become so lazy that I'm ashamed if anyone would see my place...

Since I've started this blog I've been working on keeping my bedroom straightened up (at least once a week a good cleaning)..and I've been doing better..actually have been doing a little bit at a time on getting the whole house back to where I can be proud of it again..did I tell you I LOVE MY HOUSE!

Ok now back to step 2 for me.

My dresser and closet in my bedroom were stuffed with clothes that I can NOT  wear comfortably anymore..all mixed in with clothes I can..so I spend a part of my morning looking at al these clothes sometimes trying them on (even if I know they are going to be too tight) which only depresses me..Then I give myself the beating up for not getting myself together enough to lose the weight so I can wear them. There are so many tops that I absolutely love and remember how good it felt to wear them.  I've left them in my closet to give me Motivation but for me it only works the opposite..And truthfully for me the clutter in the closet bothers me...

SO this morning I cleaned out my closet and dresser of ALL things that don't fit me RIGHT now. And let me tell you there was a bunch..

These are the clothes out of my dresser and
my summer tops out of the closet.
The picture below is most of the hangers that
I took clothes off from...
Then theres the skirts, dresses, pants and
jackets that I will hang in the other closets

in the house..

I don't think I will have to do much shopping
when I DO lose this extra weight.

What I have left in my closet is not much but it is Motivaing me to get back into those clothes that I do love..I will leave most of them on the bed in the extra room and hang them back up in my closet when they fit me..

This is MY Step 2.

Working on changing my life

not just physically but mentally also. 

I've been doing a part time job for the past year that I felt that I had to stick it out although in many ways it was making me miserable.  I kept telling myself that I was Lucky to have the job. I did not believe in myself enough to really go out and find a better one. I've been living on a shoe string for the past 4 years and I'm scared to step out and take a chance on myself.  I talk big about how I want to improve myself and my situation but believing in myself enough to actually do it is another thing.

For the last month or so I've been looking on line at differant jobs...even applied for some but never heard back from them... I was looking at warehouse jobs, working at bookstores, any entry level job that I could find..but then one day while driving it came to me...obviously someone is trying to tell me something (god?).
My whole adult life has been about caregiving for special needs...First my son and then Larry...then when I was driving the school bus the part I enjoyed the most was when I did Community Skills with the special needs kids..in fact I want to be a special needs driver but you have to drive the regular bus for 3 years (I only made it 2 years)..and for the past year I have worked part time with Mike (who has CP and is mentally challenged). So why was I fighting it...I know I'm not certified but I am definatley experienced!

In the most part I liked working with Mike..I hate the hours (which is a split shift..working in the morning and going back at night) and the never knowing if his Grandmother (who has custody of him) will call me 10 mins before I am getting ready to leave the house to tell me they don't need me that day. (this has happened several times)..The most hours I could get is 30 but most of the times it runs from 20-26 hrs...and I only get paid for the hours I work..There are other things that really bother me about this job personally but I've dealt with them for the past year so feel that if I had to I could..but I really don't want to.

So anyway after preaching to myself here about believing in myself I found a site Care.com that helps find people to take care of special needs clients..It's free and has a lot of information on it..so I took the plunge and applied for the one that I know that I can be good at..the hours are good..I won't have weekends but I do get Tues & Weds off each week and it is full time...not part time..I went for an interview on Weds and was offered the job...I've accepted and gave notice at my part time job..so now I'm waiting for approval from the Medicaid Provider that will actually be paying me and then I will start anew again..

The job will be challenging because I will be taking care of a young woman who has Turner Syndrome (I had never heard of this before but I've gone on line and checked it out) and some other disablities but I believe in myself enough to say I CAN DO THIS...

More later...

Believing in Myself!

I've come to the conclusion that not only do I need to have confidence in myself to be able lose this weight but I have to get the rest of my life in order.

Sure I need to get back to exercising and eating. That's probably the easiest part about getting back on track...But as I sit here and look at my life I realize that when I was losing the weight before Life was good..I had a job I liked...money in the bank...I was doing things I enjoyed such as hiking/backpacking and hanging out with my friends of THUS...I still hang out with my friends but the rest of my life has changed.

I can pretty much pinpoint WHEN I let life beat me back down and I quit doing all the things that I know I need to be doing.  I can't go back and change it but I can look at where I am and What I want to change and figure out what I need to do to Find Lady Sue.

STEP #1 to Getting back on Track!

Ok so I've had a problem coming here and blogging like I promised myself I would do...wish I could figure out how I did it years ago when I was blogging "Me, Myself & I".  If I'm going to be truthful with myself (and I'm trying for that end result even if it hurts...LOL) then I will admit that I mostly blogged when I was at work..my job then was not real demanding and I had a lot of "down time"..and I was also on a "high" because I was feeling so good about myself and my progress with my weight loss. Each day was a "WOW" day for me...I was excited and happy with myself.  That's the person I want to be again. Well Maybe not quite the Same but I want that feeling back.

In trying to get Motivated I actually opened up a email from SparkPeople, which I joined some time ago but rarely go to anymore (I did for a while when I first joined but mostly just look at the recipes)..I found after I joined that most of the articles I felt like I already knew it all or that I didn't want to hear about other people's successs..but i didn't cancel my membership..you never know when you might actually want that motivation and support..like today..
Anyhoooo,... today I read 2 articles   www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=196
9 Hidden Reasons to Stay Motivated
25 Ways to get Back on Track Today

Again Nothing New...but for some reason it was what I probably needed to read today.. I even printed them out because I can never remember exactly what I read unless I go over it again and again...
So anyhoooo...The first article is the one I want to look at seriously today..maybe I will take 1 reason a day and see how I can make it my own...
This is my way of getting back on track (I hope).

1. Confidence
    "How did it feel after that first jog around the block? Or when you finally walked the stairs at work without losing your breath?  The more you accomplish, the more you'll believe in yourself."

I hate it that I'm back to where I can't jog or even go up a flight of stairs without losing my breath or having my legs hurt so much. I do remember how good it felt that first time I ran a 5K (I even got a trophy for my age group). That's why one of my goals is to do another 5K.  Part of that feeling good about myself was Confidence that I could do anything that I set my mind too.  So where is that Confidence now?  What happened to me that I now say those words that I refused to say before "I CAN'T DO THIS"..

I find myself waiting for people to do things for me that before I would have just gone ahead and done it myself and never think a thing about it..Telling myself that I'm too out of shape or it's too hard for me to do it.(or even GOD Forbid too OLD).It's defintely all a mind set.

It's easy for the writer to tell you to get Confidence but he doesn't tell you HOW to get it back...I know that to my friends and family I am Confident (after all didn't I skydive last year) but inside I fear Failure..what if I can't do this or what if it is too hard. I need to go deep inside of me and find that Confidence in myself again so that I can Know that I can Find Lady Sue, that person who feels good about herself  whether she is at her "perfect" weight or not..

I need to get off my butt (and this computer) and go out and climb that flight of stairs until I can do it without losing my breath...I remember when I first started going to the gym back in 2003 I could hardly climb the 6 stairs up to the weight room in the gym...and so everyday I would make myself go up and down them as fast as I could until I could do it without losing my breath (it took a couple of weeks) and then I did it carrying weights...people in the gym looked at me like I was crazy but after a while they got used to me and applauded my efforts. This gave me the confidence to do other things...so maybe How I get my Confidence back is to do the things that I'm afraid of failing, and if I do fail them then try again until I can do it.

I think Step #1 to Getting Back on Track is to BELIEVE IN MYSELF!