I need someone to be accountalbe to!

I see it's been almost a month since I've actually blogged my thoughts...cartoons don't really count! It seems like if I miss a couple of days it's harder to get back on track. I use the excuse that since no one really is reading this blog but me that it won't matter that I miss a few days. Then there are the days that  I just don't have anything I want to say. I haven't even been going to other blogs to get motivated and to see how everyone else is doing. I miss Grumpy..and wonder if she is having the same problem I am or if she just didn't want to "waste" her time blogging.

I wish I could say that in this last month my life has gotten better...but I can't...it hasn't gotten worse either.
I still haven't gone to the doctor to see if I have a Thyroid problem..not having any medical insurance or extra money is part of it but mostly because I have this adversion to doctors. I spent soo much time with Larry in the hospital and at doctors to no avail that I've come to believe that doctors may have alot of knowledge but mostly they can only guess at what the problem is and that the doctors of old who really cared for thier patients as people are no longer out there..now a days the medical profession is just that " profession". Doctors are out there only to make money..they don't even see you as a person..they certainly don't remember you as soon as they leave the room. Enough of the ranting..the question is Where does that leave me as far as my health goes? I'll have to get back to that after I've figured it out.

February being a short month (only 28 days) really hurt in my paychecks this month. I get paid only for the days I work so being shorted 2 days on my last paycheck of the month which i usually to pay my living expenses (electric, phones, water, etc) really hurt. My salary is pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole anyway. I tell myself that I am lucky that I have a job..there are so many people out there out of work right now...but it doesn't make it any easier for me when I have to figure out how to eat on $15 a week, because food is the only thing I am able to cut back on. This doesn't help when you are trying to eat healty and lose weight..I can eat on that amount and keep full but mostly it consists of garbage.

I have done something POSITIVE for myself this past month. I've taken up learning French again. I tried a couple of years ago and got discouraged because I just never got the "rolling of the R". But this time I have some friends who are helping me.  My friend "J" is actually planning on moving to France in a couple of years and my dream is to be able to go visit her when she does. I've joined a couple of French Clubs through Meetup.com. besides meeting up with 4 of my friends (J included) every Weds night at a french restruarant to go over what I have learned..I been signed up for About.com French for years and have been saving all my emails from them and am now going back and learning. I also have a set of tapes that I got years ago by Berlitz which I've dug out again and listen to in my truck on my way to work..as you can see..I am determined to learn this time. I just hope I can retain what I learn this time..

As far as my exercise is going...I was walking at the park with "T" for a couple of Sundays and it was nice, but she is having car problems and I'm using the excuse that I don't have the money for gas to drive all the way to the park right now.  I've hit the gym a couple of times a week but I know I need to go more often and get a real good workout. I just wish I could get motivated again. I'm fine once I get there and get started but I seem to find excused NOT to go. And I hate coming here writing about those excuses.

I haven't weighed myself this past month and I'm not sure when I will.

I hate that I sound so blah but that's how I feel today. At least I came here..
Last thought for the day...Why is it that when I'm at work on Saturday when I can't get out of the house (like yesterday),the weather is beautiful and then on Sunday (like today) when I can, it's cloudy and gloomy..I hate
it!
More later (I promise)

In This Topsy Turvy World

some times all it takes is knowing that you aren't alone..thanks to Grump and her comments on my last blog!

I woke up this morning thinking to myself.."I don't know why I keep struggling with this when I know I can't do it...I have no will power when it comes to food...I'm going to be busy this week and I won't get any exercise so I'll probably just put back on the weight that's taken me this long to take off...So why keep trying! Why don't I just Accept that I'm destined to be "Old and Fat"...Talk about feeling sorry for myself!!!

Well...thanks to Grump who got me going this morning I'm not going to Accept it. I deserve to be "fit & healthy"  I want to feel good about myself..It's when I stop caring that I defeat Myself! One thing that can be said about me is that I'm not a Quitter... What I really want to defeat is this feeling that I don't deserve to be what I know I can be..I just wish that it wasn't so hard to do.

Well, Nothing has ever been easy in my life, from my childhood, to losing a son and a husband...I've struggled with not having money before (you would think I would be good at it by now) and I've been by myself this past 8 years (really missing Larry today)..and will probably be by myself the rest of my life...So do I accept that all the bad things happening in my life and ignore all the good things I do have...NOT ON YOUR (or MY) LIFE!

Sure I don't have extra money to spend on presents for my family this year BUT I will still have Christmas at my house on Christmas Eve..I know that the kids all understand that I'm  not be able to give expensive gifts but I do have lots of LOVE to give to each of them. And although Larry isn't with me for Christmas (you would think after 8 years it would get easier), he's in my heart as always.

I'm determined I will get to the gym at least 2X this week. I will eat my soup (which is already made for the week) for lunch. I will not give into this Self pity party! Even if I don't lose weight this week I will NOT give up, there is always next week!

On the Positive Side...My bills are paid for this month..I have groceries in my house..I always have a book I can read..and I have family and friends out there that care about me...what else could a person want in life?

Starting the day off right!

It's my day off today..and I've work up a good sweat with Billy Blanks Tae Bo. I feel full of energy now! I had a glass of juice and in a little while I'll fix me my oatmeal. I NEVER eat before I exercise because I would get reflux.  It takes awhile for me to feel hungry after I exercise. I like to relax so when I do eat it will stay down. I hate having stomach problems but that's life for me and I've learn how to deal with it.

I did NOT listen to my inner child last night and I DID go to the gym...I will admit that I called my Daughter to push me into going. My inner child was giving me lots of EXCUSES not to go but I didn't give in and as usual once I was there I did fine. In fact although I didn't do the treadmill for cardio, one of the Stair Monsters was free and just waiting for me so I did 20 mins on it..It kicked my butt...by the time I was done I was soaking wet with sweat but it felt good..I kept my form (no leaning over and holding onto the front of the machine as I see so many peeps doing) and upped my level. Then I did a good leg work out..(gripping here).one of the things that really bugs me about the gym is those people who sit on a machine (especially if there is only one, like the abductor machine) and visit with their friends while I'm waiting to use that machine. I will usually ask (politely) how many more sets they have and hope they take the hint...and if they don't then I move onto another machine until they leave..but it still upsets me when peeps use the gym for social hour...when I talk with others I try not to hog a machine at the same time. But I still love going to the gym.  I haven't seen the older lady that I talked with last week but I'm hoping that she is coming at a different time than me.

Still not as on track with eating as I would like to be but I am working on it. It's not that I eat food that I shouldn't, more like that I don't balance my meals like I know I need to be doing. It's hard for me to get in enough protein in my diet. I would be happy just eating Vegetables only all day long!
On the Positive side..I am doing better at controlling my sugar intake..in fact I had to ask my daughter to bring sugar ( for those people who use it in their coffee or tea) to my candle party because I didn't have any in the house and didn't want to buy any and have it here in the house. I'm using honey in my tea or drinking the loose leaf tea that my friend Corey brought me from Germany..it has dried fruit in it so I don't need any sweetener. I do so love my tea!

I finally faced the dreaded scale today and I've lost another pound for a total of six. Although I wish it was more I'm not discouraged. I know for me it just going to take time..I guess I would rather lose it slow than fast..I've done it both ways before and I need time to adjust my thinking so once I do lose it I will NOT gain it back...I want off this yo yo merry go round...

I don't have any plans on what to do with my 2 days off right now. I'm still short on money this week so don't want to burn gas running around so looks like I'll stay home. I'll probably end up reading one of my new (used) books...good thing I worked out this morning...

Weigh in today!

Although I've been good about what I eat and have gotten in some good exercise my weigh in shows I'm still at the same weight I was last week..I didn't lose but then I didn't gain either..so I guess I'm ok with this..a little disappointed but I'm not going to let it get me down. I'll just have to look at what I'm doing and see if I can tweek it a little. There is no easy answer for me to losing this weight..

On the positive side..I'm  physically feeling so much better than I did a few months ago..it's nice to be able to walk 3 miles and still feel good...and I'm upping my weights & reps at the gym..Just last night after getting home from the gym I was sitting on the couch and I noticed how easy it was to cross my legs again...there for awhile a couple of months ago I could barely do that..I find myself moving so mush easier..my joints aren't aching near as much (just first thing in the morning but I contribute that to "old age") .
I know I've been focused on what I'm eating this last couple of weeks but I've still been working out at least 3 times a week. I know for me I need more than that. I guess you could say I'm a work in progress..a never ending job. I know I can't rush things.I've done that before and sure I lost the weight but then I gained it right back..I also know that there is a time when I need to push myself more. It's a battle for me trying to find the right balance...but I'll won't give up!

I'm trying not to get discouraged about the money situation..I never heard back on the part time job I applied for..it would have been perfect and it would have helped me so much..but it must not have been in the cards for me...so I will keep looking. I hate that there are things I would love to do but don't have the money to do them..There is a hike in NC next Weds that I would love to go on but there is a charge to get into the park and also gas money..it's not much but more than I have right now..I know that there will be other times and other things I can do but it still doesn't keep me from feeling discouraged. I'm trying to remember that there are so many things I have to be thankful for that I can do..but damn it would be nice to go on that hike..this time of year is my favorite time for hiking..

It's a beautiful morning out and as soon as my laundry get done I'm heading out for a walk...I need an "attitude" adjustment and that should do it..
Hope ya'll have a great day!

So far it's working for me!

Taking pictures of what I'm eating everyday and posting it here has really helped me curb my "mindless" eating in the evening...also at work where for some reason he's has started to bring in junk foods...

I've had to fight (and win) with my IC every night but I'm determined if I'm going to do this I'm going to do it honestly and right...that means I will not give into my inner child who argues with me that I can still have just a few bites of something and not take a picture..especially in the evening when I want something sweet..Nope so far every bite of Food that I've eaten has had it's picture taken...And I've found a way to satisfy that sweet tooth of mine in the evening..I have a cup of hot tea with honey instead..I don't take a picture of it because I feel that my real struggle is with food not what I drink..If I'm having tea with my meal then it will be included other wise not.

The one thing I've found interesting is that by this Picture Taking..I've had to really think about what I'm eating...I want the picture to look good...No more eating out of the pan that I cooked it in or the package...
no more grab & eat...I actually have to wait a few minutes before stuffing food into my mouth..a lot of times this gives me time to realize I really don't want it..for instance I've had the one fudgesickle for over a week..a couple times in the evening I started to eat it when I realized a cup of hot tea would satisfy me just as well..
Last night when I came home from work I was hot and tired, didn't feel really good and wanted that fudgesickle...(even after I took the picture) so I decided to eat it without any guilt...It was good and just what I needed...
I may not be losing any weight but I feel better because I feel that I have CONTROL over what I'm eating now...with "mindless" eating there is no Control...

So on Weds I went "hiking" with my AOC group...I say "hiking" because it really was just a walk in the park and not a hike. We only did 2 1/2 miles at a local park and it was more like a "social" walk...but it was for beginners and Pam (the leader) had a lot of information to give new hikers.. I did my part in being the "sweeper" bringing up the rear of the group...It was fun..not sure how much exercise I really got though..

Tonight I'm headed over to my friend Lettie's for a Candlelight Party...There will be food I'm sure but I never have problems with that..Although I'm thinking I probably eat more than I realize just grazing on food..so I will have my handy dandy cell camera with me...and before it goes in my mouth there will be a picture taken...

Tomorrow morning (bright and early) is my 5K walk/run...I haven't done well on the Big Plan I had to get myself into running so I will most likely walk most of the way..I won't be surprized if I'm one of the last peoples to finish..but I know I'll finish...I'm not worried that I can't do it because I know I can do 3 miles pretty easy walking...My daughter says she's coming to cheer me on..I've got my new Knee Strap so that should help with my right knee which has been giving me a lot of pain in the morning...

On the Positive Side...I've been taking my vitamins & supplements all week...still hate it but I know that I need them...

No Excuses and No Apologizes

Today is my day off and I haven't done anything that I can be proud of except play on the computer, think about what I can eat... and..Oh yeah..I read a book! No exercise at all...am I discouraged with myself..NOPE...I just felt like taking a day off..NO excuses..no apologizes..I just did it!

I weighed myself this morning and I've actually lost 2 pounds this past week...(I'm determined that I'm not going to find them next week)..to some 2 pounds may not sound like a lot but to me it's a start and so much better than I've been doing in the past few months (I've gained since I started blogging)
So No Excuses and No Apologizes..I say waaahooo here I go!

I've actually done good on eating today..although I've done a lot of thinking about Just what I can eat..knowing that I'm going to take a picture of anything that goes into my mouth has made me really AWARE of just what I'm going to eat...Made me have to stop and think..

Last night I almost listened to my IC (inner child) to not take the picture of the popcorn and just eat it..if no one knows that I ate it then it doesn't count..right? But I took a firm hand with IC and said that if this is going to work for me then I have to be HONEST..I still ate the popcorn but it was only a half of mini bag (I stopped the microwave before all of it popped..lots of kernels that I couldn't eat)..it was good and I figured I hadn't done all that bad on what I ate all day...so No excuses and No Apologizes to myself...Like I said before..I'm not going to deny myself foods but I will make sure that I don't go overboard!  
(I've taken pictures of EVERYTHING I've eaten so far today and will post it Before I go to bed..that way if I decide to have a snack it will be included)..

I'm going on a hike tomorrow evening across town with the AOC group..it's a beginners hike but since I work on weekends I can't be too picky..besides I'm taking my friend Lettie with me..she's been wanting to hike...also I know the trip leader, been backpacking with her a couple of times, and She's a hoot...I really like her..She's asked me to be the "sweeper" for the group so she can concentrate on all the "newbies"...Just in case you didn't know the "sweeper" is the last person on the trail to make sure there aren't any stragglers or that anyone gets lost..Since this is where I like to hike anyway it works out great..should be a nice nice for hiking...I just wish I hadn't lost my headlamp just in case it gets dark on us..I do have a small flashlight that I can take just in case..It should be fun and I can get some exercise in..I'm not worried about this hike like I was the last one I went on..I know that I will do all right..I've been doing the treadmill and the stair"monster" at the gym and feel much better about doing anything cardio..besides I've decided that I will just do what I can ...No excuses and No Apologies...

I'm off to steam me some veggies and grill some fish for dinner (and take a picture) then maybe watch some tv...continuing with my DAY OFF...and making NO excuses and No apologizes...

Time to get Serious!

I'm feeling pretty good this morning! I've got my bag packed for the gym tonight, figured out what I'm going to take to work for lunch (although my boss has agreed to supply me with lunch his fridge yesterday didn't hold anything I wanted, so I will take my own today) and I actually took my Vitamin & Supplements today..

Vitamins & Supplements...The cramp in my foot the other day and the aches in my knee and hip joints tells me that I need to Seriously look at my diet and to start back on my Vitamins and Supplements...I'm so bad about taking them and I know that I need them and feel better when I take them. I used to (in the good ole days) take a variety of supplements and a protein drink every morning before going to the gym. But for some reason (mostly monies) I decided 2 years ago to stop all. First all let me tell you I've ALWAYS HATED taking pills..they get stuck on the way down...The vitamins I take with IRON repeat on me..just the smell of IRON makes me sick.which probably dates back to when I was a kid and had to take this liquid iron medicine everyday...I had rickets due to a poor diet...I know now that My Mom did her best but trying to bring up 4 kids by yourself on welfare in the 50's had to be really Tough..I could blame my Mom on my eating habits and the reason I got fat in the first place but It wouldn't serve any purpose now because I can't change what happened then only what happens NOW. 

(Warning Tangent coming)
Like any one who has ever been fat and lost and gained it back (yoyoyoyoing) I've tried many differant "diets", bought & read alot of books on what I'm "suppose" to be eating and even joined the support groups..eDiets & SparkPeople so I KNOW what is " right"  and what is "wrong" to eat..I KNOW what I need to be doing NOW and I know that I can take the weight off (once I really set my mind to it)..I've done it before..but what really worries me is that I won't keep it off..that something deep down inside me WANTS to be FAT...it's where my "Comfort Zone" is..I thought I had all this figured out the last time I lost the weight..I thought I had fought all my demons and won...but obviously I didn't or I won't have fallen back when things went "bad" for me. The thing is I also KNOW that this HAS to be the last time I do this Battle because I don't have any time left...For Pete's Sake I'm 60 years old...I think I'm am the oldest "Dieter" in Blogland...I'm just too Old to keep doing this..As Susan Powers Said ..I need to "STOP THE INSANITY"..
I need to Stop making excuses and get serious about What I am eating! I want to feel good about myself with the time I do have left.

So I'm taking a good hard look at every bite of food I take (I hate this part) and make sure that I'm getting all of the nutrients I need. I already know that I don't get enough protein and Calcium...I'm looking for a good protein drink that doesn't need milk, soy or other..I can't handle anything thick, it makes my chest congested and I spend about an hour coughing afterwards..The good thing is.this does keep me from having any ice cream or milk shakes (I would die for a Blizzard) ...I can tell you right now that I haven't been eating enough fresh greens..I use the excuse that I hate "packaged" greens.(which is all that WallyWorld where I get most of my groceries from carries, especially spinach which I love)... I know that I can go to the Farmers Market (something I still haven't done because there isn't one conveniently close to me) but truthfully I don't see that happening soon....The other thing I know that I WON'T do is count calories..I know it works for a lot of people but for me it is just too frustrating and I can only do it for a couple of days..I've tried tracking (writing down) what I eat and that doesn't work for me either...OK I know what I Won't do now I have to find what I WILL DO...I do know that I need to be AWARE of what I'm eating..(mindless eating is one of my biggest faults) then I can use all this knowledge I've gained over the years and eat what I know I should be eating..I read somewhere recently .."Food is not the enemy" (I'll blog more on this later..running out of time this morning)..

So the Positive Side...Although I  know that I have a ways to go yet I feel that I've improved my life so much over the past few months.  I am feeling GOOD about myself..I'm getting exercise (yay the gym, 5K's and hiking)..I've brought myself out of "seclusion" and have started taking pride in How I look (love my new color and haircut)...

8 Signs to watch out for!

I'm looking (and finding) all the signs to watch out for that I am letting myself fall back into my old (and bad) habits again. Letting myself go there is NOT an option anymore so the signs will help me.

1. Not making my bed & picking up any clothes laying around in my bedroom when I first wake up.
    I had to force myself do these things yesterday...for too long I convinced myself that since no one 
    sees my bedroom that it didn't matter...But it does..I feel sooo much better when I go into that 
    room when I get home or at night before going to bed and seeing it all clean...I know that I had
    a good start to my day.
      
2. Not doing my dishes Daily! You would think this one would be an easy one for me since I grew
    up with dirty dishes. I should HATE having dirty dishes in my house. I remember my Mom hiding 
    dirty pots & pans in the oven when we had company.   I used to use the excuse that when my 
    kitchen was clean then I would bake and if all the dishes were  dirty then I couldn't.
    This was just an excuse !  Recently I quit using my dishwasher (it takes a week to fill it up)
    and bought a small drain tray and I try not to dirty more dishes than what will fit in it. And I've 
    been doing so good on keeping my dishes washed until this week when  I didn't do dishes for 3 
    days.  After leaving here this morning and realizing that I was falling back to my old ways, I
    washed up the dishes and cleaned my kitchen.. I did feel better after that. It was nice coming
    home to a clean kitchen tonight after the gym.
     
3.  Not going to the gym or going and not really giving it my all.  I've been sporadic lately on the 
     gym and it's crazy because I know that I feel so much better when I go to the gym and get a 
     good workout. Excuses are not accepted here any longer...

4.  Secluding myself from my friends & family.  I know people don't believe me when I tell them that
     I am happiest when I am by myself (especially if I'm reading...which I do a lot of). This is weird
     because I also love being around people especially when I'm feeling good about myself.
     I've been bad this past week about answering text msgs and phone calls...I really do hate talking
     on the phone. Not sure what's with that.
    
5.  Not caring about how I look.  Not sure where I'm going with this one..will have to do more
     thinking on it.

6.  Mindless eating.  This one I'm still working on...and endless problem for me.

7. Having trouble sleeping at night. A problem I've had for years when I've got things on my mind
    and it seems like tonight is one of those nights. I know that sleep helps but haven't figured out
    just how to get it.

8. Negative Self talk or just Plain being Negative about everything.  I promised myself that this
    blog IS going to be Positive. It got to where all I did was moan and groan about how bad things
    were on my last blog and I really don't want to go there with this one. I want to look for the
    positive side of EVERY Thing...

Winning against my inner voices!

I constantly have these voices in my mind telling me what to do! In the past couple of years I've let the "bad" voices rule although I know they do not want the Best for Me. The "good" voices are there too, I just haven't been listening to them enough.

What these "bad" voices have told me was that I was worthless, that I don't matter! So why should I take care of myself? It's too hard to eat healthy, besides it's too expensive and since I don't have a good paying job (because I'm worthless and can't do anything) all I should give in and eat what I really like...sugar may cause my stomach to hurt and gives me a headache BUT I like it and I need it to keep away that craving and It really makes me feel better. Walking or exercising is too hard..it's so much better to sit around and read a book or two or watch tv..doing nothing is easy..working out is hard!

The trouble with giving into this "bad" side of myself is that it gets easier to do nothing. BUT (notice the big But) I know that if I DON'T give in and I do what I know REALLY makes me feel good, these voices in my mind give up.

So How do I win in this daily struggle? One day at a time! Follow my Plan! Having a plan and sticking to it may not be easy but IT can be done. I did it today (so far). I woke up this morning and altho the voices told me to roll over and go back to sleep, I got up and made my bed (the voices said not to because no one but me would see it). After washing my face & brushing my teeth I spoke with my Daughter on the phone and made plans for tonight for my grandson's B'day (my voices were jumping up and down because now my plans to go to the gym had changed). But instead of giving into those voices I decided that it was too beautiful of a morning to waste so I went to my favorite park to do my 3 miles walk/jog. I can tell you the voices screamed at me for the first mile, telling me  I didn't have to do the whole 3 miles, I could take the short cuts and I didn't have to walk/jog so fast..I'm old, I need to go slow..my legs hurt..I need to sit down..but I didn't give into them..no sirrreee...I did the whole 3 miles and although I can feel the ache in my knee and I'm stiff in the lower back..I feel GOOD about myself. I actually did better than I thought I would on the time.  It took me 45 mins to do the 3 miles and I'm working towards doing it in 30 mins for the 5k at the end of the month. I do Not want to be the last person to finish the race!

When I got done at the park I drove to WallyWorld to buy the grandson a b'day card and gift. While there the "bad" voice again attacked me telling me that I deserved something sweet to eat, but my "good" voices told me that I had watermelon at home waiting for me. This actually sounded good so I listened to the "good" voices.

On the Positive Side... I got all my housework done and mowed my yard yesterday so I'm now thinking about going to the gym to sit in the Hot Tub to soak some of the aches & pains out of my body...might even lift a few weights. I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

I'm always on the lookout for Motivation and checking out other blogs..It seems like everyone I've been checking out has this one that they follow (besides Swkigg). So I checked out Jack Sh*t and I really like him. I loved his sense of humor (see Bad, Badder & Worstest). So I've added him on my list to follow.

Also I've added my weight to my blog...this is a big step for me because I've been putting it off hoping I would lose below 210 before any one would know that I'm this big (who am I kidding?)..I'll post my weight no matter if I gain or not every week..either Tues or Wed..

I'm also working (in my mind) on an idea I have how to motivate myself to get down below 200 before Christmas and help out others. More on that later!

September's a busy month!

I'm looking at my calendar for this month and am amazed that I have so much to do. It started out with my End of the Summer Party I had this past Friday. A fun group and a fun time had by all.

I also have 3 birthdays (my grandson's 12th tomorrow, Princess Val's next week, and my Daughters at the end of the month), a baptism on the 12th, a wedding on the 18th and the 5K to run on the 26th....

So with all this to do how am I going to stay on track to getting fit? One day at a time!

   One of my friends took this picture of me at my party. As I've said before I HATE pictures of myself because in my mind I don't look like that.. I always make a weird face, like that's going to distract from my body..I try not to do this anymore but as you can see from this one..I'm still doing it..What's with that? I kind of like that the picture here is distorted, in the original I look fatter. It's like a fun house mirror. Maybe I need one of those in my bedroom...you know the farther away you stand the taller and skinnier you look..LOL..problem is I would probably get one of those that makes me look shorter and fatter..OH NO! I never realize how short I look until I see me in pictures. I think I'm going to have to start wearing long sleeve shirts because my arms are getting age spots on them..I try to pass them off as freckles but they are getting to big for that. Oh Well. I have friends & family (most of them in fact) that are very photogenic..they all know just how to pose to look good and none of them make weird faces. I've never been photogenic. It's a challenge to who ever is taking my picture to get a good one of me. I'm not worrying about that anymore. I just do the best that I can and live with the results.

I did weigh myself this morning and was surprized that I had not gained but actually had lost 1 pound..I know 1 pound doesn't sound like much but it's still better than gaining, which I thought I had. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter if I don't lose weight as long as I am doing all the things I know that I should be doing..eating healthy, drinking water and getting exercise. Truthfully IF I really was doing all this I would be Losing the weight. Since I've started this Blog I have actually gained So I need to take a LONG HARD look at where I am today and quit lying to myself and saying it doesn't matter..Because It does.

I haven't been posting my weight because (1. )I'm ashamed that I weigh so much. (2.) I refuse to let the # rule me..As I've said before (or if not in writing I'm saying so now). My weight does not define me..It is not WHO I am. .(3.) I do not weigh on a regular schedule but when I do weigh it is at the same time of the day, first thing in the morning. (4.) My weight has been fluctuating between 3 pounds.
I will probably start posting WHEN I start losing on a regular basis. My immediate goal is to get under 200 pounds before Christmas. I have clothes that I would love to get into by this winter.

I went to the gym last night for the first time in over a week. It felt good but I really had to talk myself into it..my inner voice kept coming up with all the excuses why I didn't need to go..but I didn't give into it.

On the Positive Side...Sometimes being forgetful is good. The last couple of times I've gone to the grocery store my inner voice has talked me into buying a candy bar (Three Musketeer is my fav..) but when I get up to the check out I forget..then remember when I get out to the truck and it's too late.  This has happened to me the last 3 times I've gone. Not a Bad Thing..

I need Sleep!

I should have never blogged my worries here last night...all I did was dream about the hike tomorrow and it wasn't good..What with all the hiking I did in my dreams I didn't get hardly any rest during the night...now I'm dragging around this morning...Not Good! LOL!

I've been trying to get at least 6 to 7 hours of sleep at night..which is a lot compared to the 4 -5 hours of sleep that I'm used to..I still wake up several times during the night...almost always at 3 am...I don't know if it's because that's the time I got up for Larry the 23 years we were together so my internal clock is set to that or not.

From everything I've  read I do know (and agree) that a body needs sleep to rejuvenate itself. I guess that's where the 8 hour rule came in...I also  know that If I sleep more than 8 hours I feel headachey and draggy (is there such a word?) all day so I think the 6-7 is good for me.  Now if I could just figure out HOW to make my mind and body do it!

I know that I can't have anything to eat (especially sweets) for at least 3 hours before going to bed...something I'm still working on as this is when I really crave foods (especially sweets).

And I know that I need to clear my mind of any problems or worries I have before going to bed or I will end up tossing and turning all night...Surprisingly keeping my house clean has helped.   I actually feel good about my home because just doing little things each day (such as making my bed, picking up my clothes and doing the few dishes I have) has decluttered my mind. I never knew it was bothering me so much but since I've began not letting things go even for one day I feel so much lighter in my mind. It is a joy to wake up to my house each morning. I actually look forward to getting out of bed. I know it only takes me less than a half hour to do what I need to do so when I do come home after my work out at the gym in the evening I can relax and enjoy myself. Hmmmm...nice...which actually helps with my sleeping...

hmmm interesting how it all works out!

Hiking!

I've signed up for a hike Tuesday afternoon. It's suppose to be an easy D3 hike but the team leader mentioned in her description that since this is a fairly easy trail that the pace will be moderate to fast..Then I looked to see who signed up for the hike and it's all 40 year olds.  I know that I can do the hike but fast? Not sure about that..The reason I gave up hiking was not because I couldn't do it but because I'm so slow..That's me Slow & Steady..once I start I never stop to rest until I'm done..No matter what I'm going to do this hike but I can't help but worry! I remember hiking with people who couldn't do the hike and how it made everyone grumble..and I don't want to be the one that ruins the hike for everyone. I've been walking on the treadmill at the gym..which to me is harder than walking on the trail..at least the trail isn't so boring and hate having the mill move under my feet..at least on the trail it doesn't move..Well..I'm going to stop worrying and I'm just going to enjoy the hike. It's close to home..in fact it's at the park that I usually go walking at and I've been wanting to go off the main trail anyway..I'm not going to worry about my age because most of my friends are lots younger than me.

On the Positive Side...I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Haven't allowed myself any negative self talk for a while. :-) and tomorrow is Monday (my Friday because I'm off on Tuesday and Wednesday).

You are only as old as you feel!

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only 60 year old that is trying to get my life together. I've been checking out some other blogs..so far I've found some 40 & 50 year olds who seem to think they are "over the hill"..so what does that make me? DETERMINED! That's what!

I added http://fiftyfatandgrumpy.blogspot.com/ to my Blog list..so far she comes the closest to how I feel...except that I love the gym and she doesn't...

I've been told over and over that "you are only as old as you feel" ..Ok some days that's pretty darn old and other days I feel that I'm still in my 30's..I refuse to let my age define me.  Just because I'm 60 years old does not mean that my life is over. I will not sit on the couch and watch life go by. I still have so much that I haven't done in this life and I plan on doing it (or at least giving it a good try). I watched "Bucket List" the other day and am going to come up with my own List of things I would do if I won the" Lottery" ! (hey I bought 2 tickets tonight!) I'll get back to this later.

On the Positive Side...I went to the gym tonight and worked out in the free weight area for the first time since I've been back.I've been using the machines but I always liked the free weights better...Friday nights a good time to go because most of those "hunky" guys that work out are somewhere else (probably out with their fit and young girls..lol)..  I did have to drop my weights but I still did my old routine and it felt pretty damn good.  I even watched myself in the mirrors and only praised myself..I refused to think negative thoughts...I did do bench presses and I felt pretty good about myself when I left the gym in my sweat soaked clothes.
I have been  putting in at least 3 days a week and although I don't see a difference in my weight, I do see a difference in how I feel. I'm standing/sitting up straighter..holding in my tummy more with my chin up. I do know it all takes time and I have faith that IF I keep it up I will get to where I want..

I want more PLEASE!

I totally enjoyed talking with friends last night at the Social. As I was looking around at everyone I came to the realization what I have missed so much is the Positive energy these people give off..they are so happy to be doing what they love..being outdoors in nature hiking, kayaking and meeting others that are like minded.
The time I was hiking/backpacking with them was some of the best times in my life.  And I want more of those good times!

I also realized on my way home that I am the ONLY one that has been keeping me from enjoying life using my weight gain and money situation as an excuse. No one ever told me that I couldn't hike or do the things I like..No one in this group has ever complained about me..I was too busying doing that myself to understand that it was really just an EXCUSE not do the things I like...And I have been miserable for the past year because of this..Nothing was ever accomplished by sitting around and moaning/groaning about how things are..you have to put yourself out there and move..

I have had this good feeling for weeks now and I don't want it to end. I know that how I look at life and the choices I make are responsible for my well being. If I look at things in the negative way then I will be miserable. Even in the toughest times there is always something good to find. I've said those words many times in the past but I see now that I chose my main focus to be on the bad things not the good. I suppose this is human nature and I'm not sure how to keep it from happening again..because if I've learned anything in this lifetime it is that there will be hard times in my life. But for now I Want more Good Feelings PLEASE.  I know it is up to ME to get out there and find them..Not to let myself be complacent and stagnant. I have to push myself out of this box that I've gotten myself into and not only find Lady Sue but find what makes me happy.

So GOALS....
1. Keep working on getting fit so I can get back into the things I love like hiking/backpacking.
2. Keep myself from going into seclusion..Put myself out there with like minded friends.
3. Be my own best friend...no negative self talk!
4. Be proud of what I have accomplished!

Step 2. Fit the dress!

7.Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body. From 20 ways to love your body .
For so long now I've refused to buy bigger clothes...told myself that I would lose weight so I could wear the clothes I already have..but in the meantime I've been miserable...the clothes I have are too tight and I definately look FAT in them...I look in the mirror and give myself the negative talk because I hate how I look in them.. Step one for me was to clear out my closet of all the clothes that don't fit me anymore...which I wrote about here...  This was back in June (how time flies).

 For some reason since I gained the extra weight I've been buying ALL my clothes at WalMart...and absolutely refused to go to the Big womens sizes..so nothing was comfortable on me. I feel like most of the clothes I buy there do not say "this is me".. they were just something to wear..

So Step 2.. I've taken a good hard look at myself this past couple of weeks and decided to get my head out of my ass...and admit..I'M BIG!  I weigh over 200 pounds so of course I'm not going to fit into my size 12 & 14 clothes anymore..Even most of size 16 are tight on me...Even when I was in size 10 pants my tops were still Large..because I have heavy arms and large shoulders..this is who I am..doesn't mean that I can't look good..it just means that I don't have and never will have a model type body..

Now that I've gotten the new job and have a few extra dollars I've been buying a few clothes at Ross's Dress Barn...this was my all time favorite place to buy my skinny clothes at a great price. I can usually find tops that I feel fit my style..not old lady clothes or things teenagers wear.. I started out buying size 1X but even they are  tight on me so the last couple of blouse I bought are size 2X..I probably won't be able to wear them once I start losing the weight but they are comfortable (but not baggy) on me right now and I feel like I look good .

I got my hair cut today and went to Ross's and bought a couple of shirts (yes they are size 2X), I like the style and fit of both. I started to say that they looked better on the hanger than on me (more negative talk) but damn I feel good .  I even took pictures of myself with my cell phone..and you know I hate pictures of myself...( figure if I take enough pictures I will get to where I can actually like looking at them...lol).

I'm going to wear this tonight since I've gotten up the nerve to go to the AOC Monthly Social.. I haven't been for over a year because this is my Outdoors group and they are mostly all young and fit..but I love the energy these people have and find that I really miss them..I follow them all on Facebook but it's not the same...I'm making myself get out of seclusion and putting myself out there..

Catch Up Time..

Where did the time go?..I see it's been a full week since I've Blogged...

Food  ...I still haven't conquered the food tracking...truthfully I'm not even trying. I am trying to watch WHAT I eat but I know I've got a long ways to go before I get it right. Not going to give up though..I just have to find a way that works for me..

Exercise..The gym...I love it..I've been taking it slow and building up..because I didn't want to be so sore that I couldn't move...but I do know that I have to be a little sore or I'm not going to build the muscle back like I want.  I went last night and pushed myself on doing legs...second time since I've joined back. It felt good..my legs were tired when I left the gym but they don't feel to bad today. I still haven't done the treadmill...but tonight I will..I want start off with interval jogging (can't truthfully call what I do running)...to see if I can build myself back up to running... I still want to do a 5K in the future...looking at the one @ the end of September.
First I'll see how my knees do on the treadmill and then maybe I'll go back to the park next time I'm off work and see how I do..I know if I keep pushing myself a little bit at a time I can get to where I want...just not sure about the time line...I refuse to get discouraged..if running isn't something I can do..then I'll find something else that I can do.

Motivation..I've been invited to go a Wedding in September with some friends...I would like to lose some of this excess fat around my belly by the time I go so the skirt I'm planning on wearing will fit me better..I know I won't be skinny by then (if ever)..but I want to feel good about myself. I know all my friends support me and do not judge me..I do enough of that myself...but I don't want to embarrass them..
I'm getting my hair cut on Aug 10th..keep your fingers crossed it turns out good..at least if not I'll have a couple of weeks for it to grow out before the wedding..LOL..

Excuses...I still keep making them...Didn't go to the gym a couple of times because I was too sore...or it was raining..and one other was I visited my daughter instead..Ok maybe that one was a good reason not excuse...I need to commit to the gym..and stick to it...I know once I get to the gym and start my workout that all is good and then I'm glad I went..

As for eating..I bought ice cream this week because it's hot here in Georgia..now I know ice cream makes me cough for at least an hour after..and the sugar tears up my stomach...also keeps me awake all night..so why do I keep eating it?.The Evil part of me tells me I deserve it and it taste sooo good....and that I have cut back on the scoops and etc. etc..etc..I'm not going to beat myself up about it because it's not the end of the world if I have some ice cream..it's just that I feel I'm not getting control of what I eat. This IS the biggest problem I have. I'm addicted to food...I know I need to find a way to keep from sabotaging myself..I need to take a close look at WHY I do it..just not today...(not good)...

Journaling or blogging...need to figure out why it's so hard to come here some days and easy other days..

I'm still struggling with making myself go out  and do things..I've been advoiding some of my friends...not because I don't want to see or hear from them..but because I'm ashamed of what I've let myself become..
It's so easy just to pick up a book and escape into a fantasy world.

So on the Positive Side...What I did right this past week.....I went to the gym 4 times...I met with my freind Cory and got caught up with him since he's gotten back from his summer trips..I spent time with my Daughter and Granddaughter..even went out to supper with them.  Last night I spoke on the phone with my friend D (who talks forever on the phone).  As I've always said..I'm taking it one step at a time..
More later