Catch Up Time..

Where did the time go?..I see it's been a full week since I've Blogged...

Food  ...I still haven't conquered the food tracking...truthfully I'm not even trying. I am trying to watch WHAT I eat but I know I've got a long ways to go before I get it right. Not going to give up though..I just have to find a way that works for me..

Exercise..The gym...I love it..I've been taking it slow and building up..because I didn't want to be so sore that I couldn't move...but I do know that I have to be a little sore or I'm not going to build the muscle back like I want.  I went last night and pushed myself on doing legs...second time since I've joined back. It felt good..my legs were tired when I left the gym but they don't feel to bad today. I still haven't done the treadmill...but tonight I will..I want start off with interval jogging (can't truthfully call what I do running)...to see if I can build myself back up to running... I still want to do a 5K in the future...looking at the one @ the end of September.
First I'll see how my knees do on the treadmill and then maybe I'll go back to the park next time I'm off work and see how I do..I know if I keep pushing myself a little bit at a time I can get to where I want...just not sure about the time line...I refuse to get discouraged..if running isn't something I can do..then I'll find something else that I can do.

Motivation..I've been invited to go a Wedding in September with some friends...I would like to lose some of this excess fat around my belly by the time I go so the skirt I'm planning on wearing will fit me better..I know I won't be skinny by then (if ever)..but I want to feel good about myself. I know all my friends support me and do not judge me..I do enough of that myself...but I don't want to embarrass them..
I'm getting my hair cut on Aug 10th..keep your fingers crossed it turns out good..at least if not I'll have a couple of weeks for it to grow out before the wedding..LOL..

Excuses...I still keep making them...Didn't go to the gym a couple of times because I was too sore...or it was raining..and one other was I visited my daughter instead..Ok maybe that one was a good reason not excuse...I need to commit to the gym..and stick to it...I know once I get to the gym and start my workout that all is good and then I'm glad I went..

As for eating..I bought ice cream this week because it's hot here in Georgia..now I know ice cream makes me cough for at least an hour after..and the sugar tears up my stomach...also keeps me awake all night..so why do I keep eating it?.The Evil part of me tells me I deserve it and it taste sooo good....and that I have cut back on the scoops and etc. etc..etc..I'm not going to beat myself up about it because it's not the end of the world if I have some ice cream..it's just that I feel I'm not getting control of what I eat. This IS the biggest problem I have. I'm addicted to food...I know I need to find a way to keep from sabotaging myself..I need to take a close look at WHY I do it..just not today...(not good)...

Journaling or blogging...need to figure out why it's so hard to come here some days and easy other days..

I'm still struggling with making myself go out  and do things..I've been advoiding some of my friends...not because I don't want to see or hear from them..but because I'm ashamed of what I've let myself become..
It's so easy just to pick up a book and escape into a fantasy world.

So on the Positive Side...What I did right this past week.....I went to the gym 4 times...I met with my freind Cory and got caught up with him since he's gotten back from his summer trips..I spent time with my Daughter and Granddaughter..even went out to supper with them.  Last night I spoke on the phone with my friend D (who talks forever on the phone).  As I've always said..I'm taking it one step at a time..
More later

Trying NOT to be frustrated here

The keeping track of calories has never been easy for me because I don't know how many calories is in the simple things..like for instance today I'm having 1/2 cantaloupe for breakfast with my cup of tea. You would think with all the books I have in this house I could find one of the calorie counter books I used to have..No such thing..I've looked. Yesterday I went on line to find a tracking system I could use. I finally (after hours of frustration) settled on using Fitday.com. It's the one I used years ago..not bad but since I couldn't find my old account I have to start all over with the set up.  I hate setting up a new food diary because I don't eat packaged foods (much) mostly I cook from scratch and I change the way I make things as the mood hits me..OK I'm starting to get upset again..I can feel the frustration coming.
Anyway Fitday does have a calorie counter but cantaloupe is not in it. I've decided I'll just write down exactly what I'm eating and the time I eat it for now..not to worry about the calories yet. Get used to journaling what I eat first then give Fitday another chance..maybe next week on my day off when I have more time to fool around with it. The one thing I do know is that I'm not going to journal WHAT I eat here!

The good news is that yesterday I went to the gym..I feel so good..I did the Elliptical and then worked out with the machines on my upper body...I'm a little sore in the pec area but other than that I feel good. I took a hot shower this morning and it took out most of the soreness. I thought my tri's would really hurt because I had them burning..I still feel a little burning in them when I tighten them but not bad. I'll go again tonight and work on my lower body.. I really thought I would have to start all over with the lower weights but it was like I had never left the gym. I felt so proud of myself and of course I ran into an instructor that I used to know and she was so supportive of me..I definitly feel this is a step in the right direction for me.

Finding my "Happy"!

This week I've been thinking about signing back up with my gym. I cancelled my membership over a a year ago because I wasn't going for several reasons. No motivation, no gas monies and it was out of the way. When I had been going every day it was because the gym was on my home..so I didn't have any excuses then. I was (and still am) short of monies and figured since I wasn't utilizing the gym I was wasting that money. My new job is close to the gym so there goes that excuse. In thinking about what really made me happy a few years ago my mind goes to all the times I had at the gym...I actually loved it...I miss playing racquetball, doing the hip hop or kickboxing classes and just plain working out with the weights. I felt so good about myself when I was going to the gym. Many of my friends now are ones I met at the gym. I am a very social person and with my current job it is just Princess Val, her Dad, and sometimes Sandi (his girlfriend) all day and then I come home to just me.  I find that I need people around me. As for the monies..I figure if I go 5 times a week it will cost me $1.82 a day, less than $2..I'm saving that much or more on gas with the new job..so I think I can swing the cost. Where else can I go and enjoy myself for such little monies.

So yesterday I went for a tour at Lifetime Fitness..it's a big gym that a lot of the peoples from my old gym went over to. It was nice, had a lot to offer (mostly for families) but the monthly cost was more than I wanted to pay and I just didn't feel comfortable there. It was too fancy..besides they didn't have a racquetball court, which is a biggie for me! And there were a lot of kids running around..Now don't get me wrong I like kids, just not when I'm working out.....I'm glad I checked it out because now I know I'm not missing anything!

SO...I went back over to my old gym and talked to the General Manager and got signed back up. The funny thing is while I was waiting for Aaron (the GM) I ran into 3 different people I knew and talked to them and this was in the off time, in the afternoon and a weekday!!!  I remember that no matter what time I went to this gym I always ran into at least one person I knew. I have been a member since 2003 and I pretty much used to go everyday ...in fact I had worked at a different location for LA Fitness for a year (but I found out that I wasn't good at being a Sales Counselor, not aggressive enuff).  Walking into my old gym, It felt like I had come "home"..I looked at all machines and in my mind I was figuring out what work out I would do first. I will be going today, altho it's my day off, because I have to go over that way to take care of my daughters animals while they are out of town. No excuses here.
I'm actually looking forward to it..I know that tomorrow I'll probably be sore all over but I also know that's part of getting back to where I want to be and it won't last forever (the pain!)..

The other thing I'm going to attempt to start doing today is keeping track of what I eat. I have never been good at counting calories or writing down what I eat...I hate it! I don't want to do it! I'll usually start out good for a couple of days and then give it up..I've tried using the on line tracking systems..they don't work for me..I get too frustrated with them...It's hard!!!! and I'm lazy!  I just want to eat and then forget it..Oh.. I know, I've read all the books and articles how being aware of each bite you put in your mouth will help you lose weight...What with starting out with the weights again, I know that I need to not only watch the amount of what I eat but also that I get enough proteins and carbs so I can get the full benefit of my workout, and that's where tracking what I eat will help.  Also When I am honest and write down EVERY BITE I'm eating, it keeps me from eating those things I know I don't need to be eating. I have to be honest with myself here...I'm not so worried about calories (altho it might surprize me how many I really eat in a day!), but more that I'm balancing my foods. More on all this at a later date when I've had time to think it over more..and also to see if I can get a tracking system that works for me everyday.

Self Image

I'm having trouble today with what I see in the mirror. I like my profile picture but it was taken over 2 years ago and I wish I still look like that but the last couple of years have been hard on me. I'm not sure what I thought I would look like at 60 years old but I do know I want to look my best. I'm one of those people that don't like to look in mirrors and HATE having my picture taken (as all my friends & family will verify). I never see who I think I should. It's not so much that I look old, it's that I just don't look like I think I should!

I took this picture this morning with my cell phone while I was looking in the mirror. In my mind I had this really great smile and my eyes were twinkling and I felt like I looked good. I'm not sure what other people see. I do know that most people tell me I don't look my age..not sure if they are just saying that to be nice or if it's true..I'm not so concerned about looking my age...I just want to go back to looking good like I did a couple of years ago.. I know that I will never be a skinny model type..my body just won't accept that and it won't be me..SO WHO AM I?

Lady Sue's Self Image goals.  I want to be someone who's face shows that she is happy (I am a lot happier now than I was a couple of months ago). I also want to be active..to be able to do the things that I like..such as...not to be afraid to jump on the trampoline with my grandkids if I want.. (my Daughter's MIL, who is older than me, did this a couple of weeks ago at her house and I was so jealous but still afraid to make a fool of myself)..or worry about slowing people down on a hike. And of course I want a body that I don't have to be ashamed of when I look in the mirror.

This picture was taken a couple of months ago when I first decided that I was tired of being who I saw in the mirror and I needed to do something about it. I look tired and beat up.(and I was). I got my hair cut that day and that helped.  So It's not just about losing weight,(I still weigh the same DRAT) it's also about all the little things that make me who I am. Being happy with who I am..I'm working on it! And it seems to be working..

I'm not losing any weight BUT

I still feel good about myself.

This last week has been a roller coaster for me but I'm not beating myself up for it.  After I posted here last I actually went to the refrigerator and instead of eating anything I could find..I cleaned it out instead..throwing away anything I knew that I didn't need...Didn't leave much but it worked for me..got my mind off from "mindless eating" and gave me something positive to do.

Sad to say but Tommy passed away the next morning. You hear all the words that people say to make it better..like "now he's in heaven and not in pain anymore" but it my heart still aches for his parents.
I went to the Funeral...lord how I hate funerals...but again it wasn't about me..I wanted to say my last good bye to Tommy.

My new job is GREAT!  In my mind I've named my "client" Princess Val..We are still on the "honeymoon". She has alot of problems..Turner Syndrome, which affects her size..she's 4'3" and weighs about 60-70 lbs. She's about the size of my Granddaughter who is 7 yrs old..It's hard to remember that she is in her 30's because she is also Autistic and has Tourettes Syndrome..Her days mostly consist of being in her rooms upstairs (like a princess in a tower), and I stay downstairs, (like a ogre or maybe a guard, a nice one I hope) checking on her regularly. Which is where I came up with her nickname...This past week she actually came downstairs to watch her movies with me a couple of times..Her favorite is "Sleeping Beauty". I love to hear her laugh...it's very infectious..She has tried to "play" me against her Dad already..I'm learning that she has a little "imp" in her..but I think I can handle her..It is so much better than my last job.  The house is clean and organized.  I eat my lunch there because they actually eat healthy. There are a couple of things that aren't perfect but I think I can handle it after the last year.

I worked out with Billy Blanks Tae Bo tapes a couple of times this past week...was happy with the results..I was afraid that since I haven't done them for so long that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the tapes or do all of the exercises..but I did...Whooo hooo....I've come to the conclusion that I do better if I have a man instructor (except Gilad..yech)...I've tried some of the programs on FIT TV but I just get irritated at the womens voices. What's with that?

I'm still working on making a plan for my "diet"..I know that the one thing that will help me get my eating under control is to journal...I always do good for a day or two then find excuses not to do it...this time I'm having a hard time convincing myself to even get started..I'm defeating myself before even starting..Something to work on...Looking for a good program that I can stick to..the ones I've tried in the past just didn't work..

I took my truck into the shop to get some work done on it today and instead of sitting there waiting for it I took a walk to the park..actually I was going to go to the library but they didn't open up till 11 am....which was only about an half mile away...I sat under an old oak tree and just listened to the birds and enjoyed the breeze through the trees...it was so nice and relaxing..I realized that this is something I need to do more of..Funny thing was that on my walk I had a guy pull over in his truck to see if I was broke down and needed help..you have got to love small towns....LOL....

Overall I'm pretty happy with myself...I feel that I've come a long way over the last couple of months...

Feeding the Ache!

I have this ache in my chest that I keep trying to feed..altho I know that will not help!

We have friends that are going through a bad time right now. Their son who has cancer is losing his fight for life. No matter how prepared I think I am for these things or how I try to distance myself..it still affects me.
My heart aches for this family so much.  I wish I could make it better for them but I know they will have to find their own way. Luckily they have some really good friends (my daughter is one of them) and support from their family..They are not alone.

Right this moment I am thinking about what I can find to eat to make this ache go away....or to just feel good for a minute. I've been where they are and know how hard it is! It brings back all the feelings and memories of the last days of my son Jason and my husband Larry. All those feelings I thought I've learned how to deal with. I know it's NOT all about ME..but that doesn't stop it!

Food has always been a comfort for me! Whenever I've needed it, it has been there! Although the feeling doesn't last at least it stops the pain for a bit. Instead I've come here to journal these feelings..I would go for a walk at the park but it is too hot out right now. I know I need to focus on dealing with these feeling I have and to learn that food is NOT my friend..it will not make everything all right! In fact if will only make me feel worse in the long run.

I did good on eating all day yesterday until I spoke with my daughter last night who told me that Tommy has taken a turn for the worse and not expected to make it to the week end. Then I started to eat....and eat..until I was sick. I beat myself up for giving into "old bad habits" and here I am today thinking about doing the same all over again..You would think that I would learn! Well maybe I have..just because I gave in last night doesn't mean that I will give up.  I will conquer this and learn by my mistakes!

Enjoying Breakfast

Yesterday I fixed the breakfast I said I was BUT then I brought it in here and ate it while I was on the computer...afterwards I barely could remember what I ate. This is a BAD habit I've gotten into the last couple of years and It's probably going to be one of the hardest to break. I will fix a good meal but instead of enjoying it, I will be doing something else while eating it..even when I do eat at the table it's usually while reading a book. Lately I've been bad about bringing my food into the office and eating while on the computer. The problem with this is that I'm not satisfied...half the time I feel that I haven't even eaten so I go looking for something else to eat. Sometimes, especially if I eat while watching tv, I can't even remember what I ate.  The other thing that is bad, is that although I love to cook and try new recipes, lately I've been only eating what only takes a couple of mins to either nuke in the micro wave.

So this morning I fixed an white egg omlete with mushrooms/onions, turkey bacon, cataloupe and a glass of mango juice AND made myself sit at the table and eat it.  I took my time eating it and enjoying the flavors. Looked out my windows and enjoyed my yard..Just plain had some ME time...I did not rush through it so I could get on the computer or start reading my book. And I feel full and satisfied.

Now this isn't something new, something I didn't know..in fact it's a habit I had when I lost the weight before..sometimes it's not easy to make myself sit at the table and enjoy because I've got so much on my mind or something else I would rather be doing...but I know that "Mindless eating" is one of the reasons I did not keep the weight off this time.

I can make excuses for why I fell back to not minding HOW I ate, and What I ate, But again they are only EXCUSES! But I'll try to remember just how Nice it was to sit there and enjoy my breakfast..
Good way to start the morning..:-)

I am ready to get serious!

I'm not done analyzing why I didn't/haven't maintained my weight loss but I feel that I've gotten to a point where I am ready to get serious about starting "My Program" to get myself fit again.

Saturday July 3rd is as good as any day to start!
I got up and made my bed, put a load of laundry in the machine and then weighed myself...(ouch). I weigh
216.0# ...not good but when I weighed myself last week I weighed 219.6#...I'm not going to count that as a loss until we see if I don't gain it back this week.  Seriously I don't judge myself on "NUMBERS" ...I refuse to beat myself up if I don't lose a certain amount of weight each week. WHEN (not IF) I get control of my life I know it will come off...I had originally set a date of October 1st to lose 50#s...I now realize that is an unrealistic goal for me...I don't want to be tied to the scale...as long as I am losing I will know that I am doing good!

I'm starting back on supplements..I would rather not take them but I know I need them. I don't eat meat or dairy products. More on this later!

I then put a Billy Blanks Tae Bo tape in and worked out with him for 45 mins...I'm surprized but I did better than I thought I would..I took Kickboxing at the gym for 2 years and used to be pretty good (or at least I thought I was). I had some trouble with the kicks...but otherwise I'm pleasantly proud of myself...And all this time I've been telling myself that I can't keep up or do most of the moves...hmmm...again I need to believe in myself!  My plan is to do a tape at least every other morning...With the new job I have a couple of hours in the morning to myself and I have several differant exercise tapes to chose from..or I'll do one of the ones on FIT TV (not Gilad...he's creepy to me..worse than Richard Simmons..yech)...
I'm still planning on working out in the gym at the house where I work but first I want to get settled in with Val (the girl I'm taking care of)...and then it will be working with the weights..I can do cardio at the park on my days off and also doing the tapes..I do feel for me EXERCISE is the most important thing...I know that I feel better when I exercise..I still want to get back in shape enough to do a 5K and my dream of hiking/backpacking (and keeping up with everyone) will help me keep motivated.

After exercising I checked my emails and read Stop Dieting & Start Living! by Dean Anderson at SparkPeople (my motivation for the day).  Now I'm journaling for the day..I feel pretty darn good about myself this morning..ready to meet the world..

My plans for the rest of the day is to eat breakfast..I had to wait for 30 mins after taking 1 oz of  Organic Apple Cider Vinegar (more on this later too).  I am going to have 1 whole wheat waffle (instead of my usual 2) some cantaloupe and a glass of mango juice which I WILL eat at the table not here at the computer or in front of the tv (which I've gotten into doing)... this should last me until lunch at work where I will have a tomato/spinach sandwich. Not sure what I will have for dinner since I'm going with my daughter and family to watch fireworks tonight. 
One of my goals is to have FUN..not to take everything so serious...

#8 Allow for Setbacks

from SparkPeople To 10 Strategies for Success  by Mike Kramer

Accept the fact right now that you will make mistakes, and that it can be a positive thing.  We are usually harder on ourselves that we are on anyone else we know.  Be your own #1 fan.  That means being supportive (instead of critical) when you stumble, and enjoy your wins (rather than ignoring your accomplishments) when you succeed.


Yesterday was my last day with Mike and surprizingly I find that I'm going to miss Mike!  I've spent the last year with him and although there were days that he drove me absolutly bonkers, there were also times when we had a lot of fun. I won't miss the hours, the house, the smell, the temper tantrums or the rest of the reasons I quit (which there were too many to list). I do feel like I improved Mike's life when I was there and this last year wasn't a setback but a learning experience (a win). It  gave me focus on what I want to do with my life as far as a career..I probably wouldn't have realized that I am a caregiver and this is what I am good at if not for Mike. I think I made the right choice in taking this new job/position and it's a step in the right direction for me. If it turns out to be a mistake/set back (which I don't feel it will be) then I will need to accept it and move on from there.

Right now I need to focus on Finding myself again and learning how to become my own #1 fan.

I AM good!

I don't know why I ever doubt myself or am afraid to admit how good I am at what I do!

I've spent the last week trying to show/train someone to take my place with Mike since I started my new job with Val on Sunday.  Yesterday and today I've been showing Rita (the 3rd person to apply for the job) what all needs to be done. Showing someone else has given me a view of ALL that I do...and it really is a lot..especially since I've started the new job where I don't have to do all that much but be there to make sure Val is safe in a nice clean environment.  Mike you have to do almost everything...from getting him out of bed the first thing in the morning, putting him on the potty ..to giving him a shower every night and getting him into bed. All this is done in a home that is not the cleanest..the woman is a hoarder and it has driven me crazy for the past year..but I've kept telling myself that it wasn't that bad..but after the 1st person walked off the job because of the smell and the 2nd person didn't come back the second day..and now Rita is asking me how I stand the mess (I don't think she will last long) I realize that there is NO reason why I should have put myself through what I did in the last year..Thank God I'm out of there after tomorrow!
If nothing else this experience has shown me that I am good! I can do anything I put my mind too...

And on the funny side!

Thanks to Joy of Six  blog "Body Snatchers" today I was reminded that Life is funny...I don't have to be serious all of the time..It felt so good to just laugh out loud..

#7. Come out of seclusion

from SparkPeople Top 10 Strategies for Success..Use these ideas to meet your goals- by Mike Kramer
Has anyone ever achieved anything of real value all alone?  Probably not many.  Most receive some form of help from other people.  Support, information, a sense of shared experience, encouragement, advice, and well-timed pep talk are all invaluable as you set off on your adventure.

For me this should be #1 and it is probably the hardest thing for me to do and to maintain.  Altho if you ask my family they will tell you that I'm always busy.  I've kept busy with my Thus friends, even gone skydiving with my AOC friends . ...but through all that I HAVE secluded a part of me from everything..

I have basically given up on alot of things that made me happy and confident about myself.. my outdoor/hiking group (I've gone from doing something every month to only 2 trips this past year)..using the excuse that I've gotten too old and slow to keep up with all those young people...this is more Malarkey...I had to give up my gym (due to money cutbacks) and have lost contact with some really good friends I made there (not all). I gave up my own blog (using the excuse that I was tired of hearing me moan & groan about how unfair life was being to me) and reading other blogs. I gave up my support group at eDiets..tried SparkPeople but told myself that there wasn't a group that I fit in with and I didn't need it.  I've had times in the past 3 years that I tried to come out of seclusion only to go back to hiding after a few days/weeks..Mostly I've found myself escaping by reading books and going on FB to play games (I can spend a whole day playing Mafia Wars) Why did I let myself get to this point?

As I look back I can see what I did to myself..trying to isolate myself so I wouldn't have to admit that I have a problem...And my problem is that I don't/didn't want to admit to myself that I failed in keeping this weight off..that by secluding myself I gave myself permission to go back to not caring about myself enough to take care of ME..
I need to keep telling myself that I'm NOT all about the Weight..that I am a Person of Worth no matter how I look on the outside...I know that I feel better about myself when I look good but going into seclusion wasn't all about how I looked..I lost confidence in myself..I started to convince myself that I couldn't do the things I enjoyed/wanted..I was/am still afraid of failing so it's so much easier not to try. It is so much easier to NOT come here and examine why I do the things I do.

So coming out of seclusion at step at a time for me means getting my confidence back and not being afraid of admitting that I can fail..but always about getting back into the game and doing my best..

I am so lucky that I DO Not have to do this alone..I have some really great friends and family who are all supportive WHEN I let them.  The tools I need are right here. All I have to do is reach out and use them

It's the little things in life

I am feeling so much more positive these days and it's all due to taking 1 step at a time. Mostly trying to get myself back to being me.  For longer than I want to admit to I've been really lazy about keeping my kitchen clean...letting the dishes stack up, not putting things away...using the EXCUSE that if my kitchen isn't clean then I won't go in there and make something I don't need to be eating...Truthfully that's a bunch of malarkey...I've just been lazy and it didn't stop me from eating junk.

I can't get my dishwasher to run so last week I broke down and bought a small drainboard and have been making it a habit to clean the kitchen each night before going to bed (doing the dishes by hand..hmmm who would of thought)..I give myself 10 minutes and sometimes it doesn't even take that long..there is only me and since I don't want a bunch of dishes to wash it keeps me from making things I don't need.  NO MORE EXCUSES.

 Also notice all the veggies on the counter...being a vegetarian you would think that I eat alot of fresh veggies...well altho I love veggies, for quite some time now I haven't wanted to take the time or the effort to eat them..been buying frozen (nothing wrong with that but fresh is so much better) or just eating LOTS of carbs...using the "EXCUSE" that fresh is too expensive..Yay summer!  My Daughter & SIL have a garden this year and they gave me yellow squash & tomatoes..which I've been snacking on the last couple of days..I love raw yellow squash..I slice it and use hummus as a dip...and Tomato sandwhiches are the best ever..specially with some spinach..Oh I know I still have a long way to go to get back to eating the way I need to but I feel so much better physically & mentally these days.

I've been reading motivational stuff here online and printing out a few articles I find helpful and even though
I haven't lost any weight, I know that I need to set some definite Positive goals SOON.  Goals that I can reach..I just keep putting it off because I don't want to fail. But I am working on it!
I figure I'll just take it slow but want to keep moving FORWARD..
All those little things I'm doing (cleaning my closet, kitchen, eating fresh veggies) will add up and one day I'll stop and looks and see that Lady Sue is there..

Step 2. Fit into that dress.

Step 2. Fit into that dress..(fromSparkPeople.. 9 Hidden Reasons to Stay Motivated )

It's been hanging up in your closet for 2 years now, just waiting to be thrown on for a night on the town. All it takes is for you to go that extra mile and stay on track. Before you know it, those 2 years will be acient history.

Before I get into this let me clarify some things.

I'm trying to get my life back to a place that I can focus on losing the weight and getting myself back into shape..but before I can get serious about that I need to do some cleaning up. 

 I LOVE MY HOUSE!!!

For the past year I've gotten so lazy about my surrounding and I find that this is all part of what I call my "depression". I've never been a "clean" nut but I do like things neat and tidy...a little dust never bothers me but I don't like clutter..Up to a year ago I always made my bed first thing in the morning..it only takes a couple of mins because I don't usually move around alot in the night. But if I'm being Truthful with myself (and I'm striving for that) I've let my house inside and outside go to pot. I've become so lazy that I'm ashamed if anyone would see my place...

Since I've started this blog I've been working on keeping my bedroom straightened up (at least once a week a good cleaning)..and I've been doing better..actually have been doing a little bit at a time on getting the whole house back to where I can be proud of it again..did I tell you I LOVE MY HOUSE!

Ok now back to step 2 for me.

My dresser and closet in my bedroom were stuffed with clothes that I can NOT  wear comfortably anymore..all mixed in with clothes I can..so I spend a part of my morning looking at al these clothes sometimes trying them on (even if I know they are going to be too tight) which only depresses me..Then I give myself the beating up for not getting myself together enough to lose the weight so I can wear them. There are so many tops that I absolutely love and remember how good it felt to wear them.  I've left them in my closet to give me Motivation but for me it only works the opposite..And truthfully for me the clutter in the closet bothers me...

SO this morning I cleaned out my closet and dresser of ALL things that don't fit me RIGHT now. And let me tell you there was a bunch..

These are the clothes out of my dresser and
my summer tops out of the closet.
The picture below is most of the hangers that
I took clothes off from...
Then theres the skirts, dresses, pants and
jackets that I will hang in the other closets

in the house..

I don't think I will have to do much shopping
when I DO lose this extra weight.

What I have left in my closet is not much but it is Motivaing me to get back into those clothes that I do love..I will leave most of them on the bed in the extra room and hang them back up in my closet when they fit me..

This is MY Step 2.

Working on changing my life

not just physically but mentally also. 

I've been doing a part time job for the past year that I felt that I had to stick it out although in many ways it was making me miserable.  I kept telling myself that I was Lucky to have the job. I did not believe in myself enough to really go out and find a better one. I've been living on a shoe string for the past 4 years and I'm scared to step out and take a chance on myself.  I talk big about how I want to improve myself and my situation but believing in myself enough to actually do it is another thing.

For the last month or so I've been looking on line at differant jobs...even applied for some but never heard back from them... I was looking at warehouse jobs, working at bookstores, any entry level job that I could find..but then one day while driving it came to me...obviously someone is trying to tell me something (god?).
My whole adult life has been about caregiving for special needs...First my son and then Larry...then when I was driving the school bus the part I enjoyed the most was when I did Community Skills with the special needs kids..in fact I want to be a special needs driver but you have to drive the regular bus for 3 years (I only made it 2 years)..and for the past year I have worked part time with Mike (who has CP and is mentally challenged). So why was I fighting it...I know I'm not certified but I am definatley experienced!

In the most part I liked working with Mike..I hate the hours (which is a split shift..working in the morning and going back at night) and the never knowing if his Grandmother (who has custody of him) will call me 10 mins before I am getting ready to leave the house to tell me they don't need me that day. (this has happened several times)..The most hours I could get is 30 but most of the times it runs from 20-26 hrs...and I only get paid for the hours I work..There are other things that really bother me about this job personally but I've dealt with them for the past year so feel that if I had to I could..but I really don't want to.

So anyway after preaching to myself here about believing in myself I found a site Care.com that helps find people to take care of special needs clients..It's free and has a lot of information on it..so I took the plunge and applied for the one that I know that I can be good at..the hours are good..I won't have weekends but I do get Tues & Weds off each week and it is full time...not part time..I went for an interview on Weds and was offered the job...I've accepted and gave notice at my part time job..so now I'm waiting for approval from the Medicaid Provider that will actually be paying me and then I will start anew again..

The job will be challenging because I will be taking care of a young woman who has Turner Syndrome (I had never heard of this before but I've gone on line and checked it out) and some other disablities but I believe in myself enough to say I CAN DO THIS...

More later...

Believing in Myself!

I've come to the conclusion that not only do I need to have confidence in myself to be able lose this weight but I have to get the rest of my life in order.

Sure I need to get back to exercising and eating. That's probably the easiest part about getting back on track...But as I sit here and look at my life I realize that when I was losing the weight before Life was good..I had a job I liked...money in the bank...I was doing things I enjoyed such as hiking/backpacking and hanging out with my friends of THUS...I still hang out with my friends but the rest of my life has changed.

I can pretty much pinpoint WHEN I let life beat me back down and I quit doing all the things that I know I need to be doing.  I can't go back and change it but I can look at where I am and What I want to change and figure out what I need to do to Find Lady Sue.

STEP #1 to Getting back on Track!

Ok so I've had a problem coming here and blogging like I promised myself I would do...wish I could figure out how I did it years ago when I was blogging "Me, Myself & I".  If I'm going to be truthful with myself (and I'm trying for that end result even if it hurts...LOL) then I will admit that I mostly blogged when I was at work..my job then was not real demanding and I had a lot of "down time"..and I was also on a "high" because I was feeling so good about myself and my progress with my weight loss. Each day was a "WOW" day for me...I was excited and happy with myself.  That's the person I want to be again. Well Maybe not quite the Same but I want that feeling back.

In trying to get Motivated I actually opened up a email from SparkPeople, which I joined some time ago but rarely go to anymore (I did for a while when I first joined but mostly just look at the recipes)..I found after I joined that most of the articles I felt like I already knew it all or that I didn't want to hear about other people's successs..but i didn't cancel my membership..you never know when you might actually want that motivation and support..like today..
Anyhoooo,... today I read 2 articles   www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=196
9 Hidden Reasons to Stay Motivated
25 Ways to get Back on Track Today

Again Nothing New...but for some reason it was what I probably needed to read today.. I even printed them out because I can never remember exactly what I read unless I go over it again and again...
So anyhoooo...The first article is the one I want to look at seriously today..maybe I will take 1 reason a day and see how I can make it my own...
This is my way of getting back on track (I hope).

1. Confidence
    "How did it feel after that first jog around the block? Or when you finally walked the stairs at work without losing your breath?  The more you accomplish, the more you'll believe in yourself."

I hate it that I'm back to where I can't jog or even go up a flight of stairs without losing my breath or having my legs hurt so much. I do remember how good it felt that first time I ran a 5K (I even got a trophy for my age group). That's why one of my goals is to do another 5K.  Part of that feeling good about myself was Confidence that I could do anything that I set my mind too.  So where is that Confidence now?  What happened to me that I now say those words that I refused to say before "I CAN'T DO THIS"..

I find myself waiting for people to do things for me that before I would have just gone ahead and done it myself and never think a thing about it..Telling myself that I'm too out of shape or it's too hard for me to do it.(or even GOD Forbid too OLD).It's defintely all a mind set.

It's easy for the writer to tell you to get Confidence but he doesn't tell you HOW to get it back...I know that to my friends and family I am Confident (after all didn't I skydive last year) but inside I fear Failure..what if I can't do this or what if it is too hard. I need to go deep inside of me and find that Confidence in myself again so that I can Know that I can Find Lady Sue, that person who feels good about herself  whether she is at her "perfect" weight or not..

I need to get off my butt (and this computer) and go out and climb that flight of stairs until I can do it without losing my breath...I remember when I first started going to the gym back in 2003 I could hardly climb the 6 stairs up to the weight room in the gym...and so everyday I would make myself go up and down them as fast as I could until I could do it without losing my breath (it took a couple of weeks) and then I did it carrying weights...people in the gym looked at me like I was crazy but after a while they got used to me and applauded my efforts. This gave me the confidence to do other things...so maybe How I get my Confidence back is to do the things that I'm afraid of failing, and if I do fail them then try again until I can do it.

I think Step #1 to Getting Back on Track is to BELIEVE IN MYSELF!

It's a beautiful day

Feeling good here today...I went for my walk at the park, talked to some friends, came home to eat my oatmeal and talked with my Daughter on the phone...checked my emails & FB..and now I'm here!!!
Whooo hooo...
It's so nice outside I think I'll spend the rest of the morning on my back patio reading...who knows I might even pick up the rake and rake some of the back yard..then take a shower and go to work...
Sounds like a PLAN to me!

A day in my life...

I started out planning to come here and blog EVERY day no matter what...but I haven't been doing so well at it..I have composed a few blogs that I decided not to post because they were too Negative...alot of beating myself up because I'm not doing what I said I was on April 1st...and here it is 3 weeks later and I've still not got it under control...Who knew how hard this was going to be?  I did! That's why I've put off (which is the easier way) of trying to get control of my life and weight ...

It's so easy to come home in the morning after work and sit at the computer, go to FB and play MW...and before you know it..it's time to go to work for the evening...and I haven't done any of the things I promised myself that I would do..hmmmm...
I need to turn this around NOW...Instead of Beating myself up this week I'm going to look at what I have done right and what else I need to do..

Sure I have been walking at the park about 2-3 times a week..need to up this to everyday..
Eating has been better on the most part but still not where I need it to be IF I truly want to lose this weight..
I did lose about 5 pounds the first week but I found 4 of them back...
I went back to drinking Decaf Green Tea with honey instead of Black tea with sugar...my tummy is doing better thanks...but still not drinking enuff Water...

I've been soo cold lately..can't seem to warm up and I use this as an excuse not to do anything...I need to get motivated and move around some...get out one of my exercise tapes and work up a sweat..that should warm me up...
so off I go...
More Later

Rainy Day and Cravings!

It's been a rainy day today and I ended up staying at home after taking a couple of truck loads of stuff to the Great American Clean Up that Auburn was holding...got rid of some of the stuff I couldn't sell at my yard sale..
I also returned the exercise bike I was borrowing from my neighbor...for untold reasons I CAN NOT ride the bike...I know that a recumbent bike is ok but I can't sit on a straight up bike...which is kind of sad since some of my fav memories are of riding my bike early in the mornings a few years ago with my neighbor..I was hoping I could get back to that again..but have to face it...can't do it and will have to find another hobby that I can do to get exercise...for now I will be satisfied with walking at the park...or hiking!

All day I've been having cravings for sugar and chips...so I ate cantelope instead..but I still had the cravings...I kept going into the kitchen to see if I could find anything to eat that would satisfy me but there wasn't anything...I kept telling myself that FOOD is only Fuel. I spoke with my Daughter a couple of times and she helped me get through to a point...but I found that I couldn't settle down to do anything because I wanted those damn tortilla chips and sugar cookies....finally I broke down and went to WalMart but once I got there I decided to make healthier choices...I bought Pretzels & graham crackers...I also bought some fresh tomatoes and banana's...Came home fixed me a tomato/spinach sandwich, pretzels and a graham cracker for dessert...and I feel content now...
I really need to come up with a food plan...and stick to it..