What's floating around in my head? Pictures of food & "Child Within!

I woke up this morning with an idea that I think WILL work for me as far as my "eating problems" goes.
I was thinking about the statement I made that I NEVER have a problem with eating out at events. I gave the reason as I don't want to cough and this is true but even truer is that I'm always aware or think that people are watching what I eat and thinking "no wonder she's fat"...I do have a couple of rules for eating out that I follow..1 is that I don't (normally) eat anything that I can or will fix for myself at home..for an example.. if it's a salad there has to be something differant about it than the one I fix at home...and 2 is to take only a small amount..this works pretty good for me..

My biggest problem is eating at home by myself in the evening...I have no "will power" and I do what I call "mindless eating"...most of the time I couldn't even tell you WHAT I ate later...I need to get this under control so I CAN lose this weight.

I've decided to use this Blog as a group of people who will see everything I eat...as I said before I hate journaling (writing down every bite I eat) and counting calories...but If I were to take a picture of everything I eat in a day (taken before I eat it) and post it here DAILY this could act as if I'm eating in front of people...I don't have a digital camera BUT I do have a camera on my cell phone (which is always with me)..this is what I've taken the pictures I post here with. I'm sure there is someone out there in blogland that is doing this but it's a new idea for me..I know that Skwigg will post pictures of what she eats every once in a while..
I want to keep it simple..I plan on posting every night before going to bed..No words (maybe occasionally) just pictures.. this will be a "visual" reminder to me (and I am a visual person) so I can figure out what I really am eating and what I need to change...Please note that I am a firm believer in that there is no "BAD" foods . If I want to have a fudge bar and I feel that I've been good with whatever else I've eaten that day then I will "treat" myself..it's not the fudge bar is "bad", it's the combination of all I've eaten. No excuses!  Anyway I'm going to give this a try and see how it works for me..

The other thing I've been thinking about lately is those "inner voices" that I give into Way to much. I was reading a blog (and I'm sorry but I don't remember who's) and they were talking about how when you say "no" to a child that you shouldn't give into them...this made me think about when I was with eDiets and we talked about our "inner child" or those "inner voices"...This also made me think about when my daughter and niece were small and they would ask for something, If I said "no" they knew not to argue because I wouldn't change my mind..but if my sister said "no" they would bug her until she gave in..and if I said "let me think about it" they knew that there was a chance that they would get what they wanted IF they kept quiet about it..If they bugged me usually I would end up saying "no" unless they could give me a good reason (which my niece was famous for doing)..Then I also remembered If I told the girls to do something I expected them to do it without arguing with me...My "child within" (inner voices) doesn't listen to me most of the time...she rules the day but that is going to Stop...I've had years of experience dealing with children and I know how to be firm but fair. I need to start dealing with my own "child within" as if she/they were real children.

A fun time was had at the Wedding!

Last night I went to my friends Marcia & Nelson's wedding and I got to bring home this beautiful flower arrangement that was on the tables at the reception. I love them and I also realized it's been YEARS since I've been given flowers..hmm what's up with that? Whatever...they look really nice on my table and I'm enjoying them.

The wedding was held outside and of course it was beautiful..including my friend Marcia...When I first met her 6 years ago I was so jealous because she although she wasn't "skinny", she was the size I wanted to be..I was still about 20 pounds from my goal of 149 pounds at that time (a goal I never did reach). Well, the years haven't been good to Marcia as far as her weight is concerned...but they have been good to her in that she found the man she loves and who loves her no matter what. Although she weighs about 50 pounds more than she did a few years ago, She looked beautiful in her long wedding gown..she looked so happy..I know that she has been struggling to lose weight before the wedding date and just couldn't do it..I'm happy for her (not that she couldn't do it LOL but that she is so happy)...(and I'm not jealous of her any longer).
The reception was fun...they had lots of food of course, but I never have trouble eating at any events..I had a small plate with salad and a shrimp/rice dish..I also had a carrot cake bite for desert...I did have a couple of glasses of wine..Again my problem isn't eating out in public..in fact I NEVER overeat when there are people around..I am what I call a "secret" eater..I had people say they didn't understand why I'm the size I am because they never see me eat anyway but healthy...Some of my problem is I know that anytime I eat I will end up coughing for a least a half an hour and it's just easier for me not to eat..but then if I don't eat I also end up coughing because the acids in my tummy back up (acid reflux is hell)..So I do try to be careful what I do eat when I'm out with my friends...
Back to the reception...they had a "photo booth" like you see in the mall..with all kinds of hats and boa's..normally I would stay clear of this kind of thing..but last night I did pose with a couple of friends..trouble is I don't have a scanner so I can't post it here....they actually didn't turn out too bad..and I had fun...Of course I danced a little..I thought about wearing heels but ended up wearing a pair of flat shoes just so my feet wouldn't end up hurting..and boy was I glad..Hey I even wore a dress and make up..I felt good about myself for a change!

Time to get Serious!

I'm feeling pretty good this morning! I've got my bag packed for the gym tonight, figured out what I'm going to take to work for lunch (although my boss has agreed to supply me with lunch his fridge yesterday didn't hold anything I wanted, so I will take my own today) and I actually took my Vitamin & Supplements today..

Vitamins & Supplements...The cramp in my foot the other day and the aches in my knee and hip joints tells me that I need to Seriously look at my diet and to start back on my Vitamins and Supplements...I'm so bad about taking them and I know that I need them and feel better when I take them. I used to (in the good ole days) take a variety of supplements and a protein drink every morning before going to the gym. But for some reason (mostly monies) I decided 2 years ago to stop all. First all let me tell you I've ALWAYS HATED taking pills..they get stuck on the way down...The vitamins I take with IRON repeat on me..just the smell of IRON makes me sick.which probably dates back to when I was a kid and had to take this liquid iron medicine everyday...I had rickets due to a poor diet...I know now that My Mom did her best but trying to bring up 4 kids by yourself on welfare in the 50's had to be really Tough..I could blame my Mom on my eating habits and the reason I got fat in the first place but It wouldn't serve any purpose now because I can't change what happened then only what happens NOW. 

(Warning Tangent coming)
Like any one who has ever been fat and lost and gained it back (yoyoyoyoing) I've tried many differant "diets", bought & read alot of books on what I'm "suppose" to be eating and even joined the support groups..eDiets & SparkPeople so I KNOW what is " right"  and what is "wrong" to eat..I KNOW what I need to be doing NOW and I know that I can take the weight off (once I really set my mind to it)..I've done it before..but what really worries me is that I won't keep it off..that something deep down inside me WANTS to be FAT...it's where my "Comfort Zone" is..I thought I had all this figured out the last time I lost the weight..I thought I had fought all my demons and won...but obviously I didn't or I won't have fallen back when things went "bad" for me. The thing is I also KNOW that this HAS to be the last time I do this Battle because I don't have any time left...For Pete's Sake I'm 60 years old...I think I'm am the oldest "Dieter" in Blogland...I'm just too Old to keep doing this..As Susan Powers Said ..I need to "STOP THE INSANITY"..
I need to Stop making excuses and get serious about What I am eating! I want to feel good about myself with the time I do have left.

So I'm taking a good hard look at every bite of food I take (I hate this part) and make sure that I'm getting all of the nutrients I need. I already know that I don't get enough protein and Calcium...I'm looking for a good protein drink that doesn't need milk, soy or other..I can't handle anything thick, it makes my chest congested and I spend about an hour coughing afterwards..The good thing is.this does keep me from having any ice cream or milk shakes (I would die for a Blizzard) ...I can tell you right now that I haven't been eating enough fresh greens..I use the excuse that I hate "packaged" greens.(which is all that WallyWorld where I get most of my groceries from carries, especially spinach which I love)... I know that I can go to the Farmers Market (something I still haven't done because there isn't one conveniently close to me) but truthfully I don't see that happening soon....The other thing I know that I WON'T do is count calories..I know it works for a lot of people but for me it is just too frustrating and I can only do it for a couple of days..I've tried tracking (writing down) what I eat and that doesn't work for me either...OK I know what I Won't do now I have to find what I WILL DO...I do know that I need to be AWARE of what I'm eating..(mindless eating is one of my biggest faults) then I can use all this knowledge I've gained over the years and eat what I know I should be eating..I read somewhere recently .."Food is not the enemy" (I'll blog more on this later..running out of time this morning)..

So the Positive Side...Although I  know that I have a ways to go yet I feel that I've improved my life so much over the past few months.  I am feeling GOOD about myself..I'm getting exercise (yay the gym, 5K's and hiking)..I've brought myself out of "seclusion" and have started taking pride in How I look (love my new color and haircut)...

I feel Autumn in the Air!

It's been 2 years since I've gone on any backpacking trips and I miss it and the fun. I love being outdoors in nature especially in the Autumn or early Spring. One of my goals is to get back into shape enough to go backpacking again. With the cooler weather coming I'm really feel the urge (my mind is willing but my body isn't). I look at my AOC (Atlanta Outdoors Club) website and see all the good trips they are going on and I want to go too! I have a lot of friends on FB that belong and I keep up with them there and ENVY them for all the trips they are going on.   To me backpacking is the idea way to go.  You hike into where you want to go, set up your tent and then sit around (or go explore) and visit with your friends. You watch the sun go down and get up with the sunrise...Awww I love those mornings..froze my ass off a few times but it was worth it. You get an extra hike in early in the morning and then you head back to town...I have some really good memories of some really good trips.
So why don't I sign up for a trip?  First ...all backpacking trips are on the weekends (and I work weekends ) and second I now weigh 50 pounds more than I did when I was backpacking....It's like carrying an extra backpack on my body..My backpack (fully loaded) weighs around 35 pounds..I'm not sure I could carry that and the extra weight I've gained for 5-10 miles.
So although I can't (I hate that word) go backpacking this year, I can at least get in some local hikes on my days off and work toward getting in shape so I can go in the spring (by then I'm hoping to be getting weekends off at work). . I've signed up for the hike next Weds and I can't wait..I know the trip leader (she's a hoot and I love her personality) but the rest of the group are "newbie's " (meaning I don't know them). So far I'll be the oldest (nothing new there), but I'm not going to let that stop me. It's at a park that I haven't been to on the other side of town and It will take me only about an hour to drive there. I plan on checking out as many new parks as I can this fall/winter. My fav time to hike is early morning and although this hike is in the evening (after work for most) I'm happy with it..That will give me time to get to the park early and check out things..like where the nearest bathroom is LOL.

Other news and thoughts..
(this is a rant) I did go to the gym yesterday after going to the Dollar Store....It's a differant location than I've been going to.. I worked as a sales counselor (I found out that I'm not aggressive enough to be in this kind of sales) when this location first opened up. It's weird how 2 gyms (same company) could be so differant. The one I go to regularly is on my way home from work, and it is the one that I worked out at for 5 years feels like home to me. I love going there because I know people there (no matter what time of day I go I ALWAYS see someone I know), I know the machines (although they aren't that differant at the other sites, it seems to make a differance to me) . The differance to me is staggering..if I had to go to the gym I went to yesterday on a regular basis, I don't think I would!  I ended up going around 3 pm and there were maybe 10 people in the place (sales included). Not one person even acknowledged me..now I'm not there for a social life but what I like about my regular gym is that even if someone doesn't talk to you at least they will have eye contact with you acknowledging that you are there. There was no one on the treadmills, elliptical and one person on the life cycle (this is weird to me). The machine I really went there for was the StairMonster and I knew they had three of them...Of course ALL three were being used...so I ended up doing 30 mins on the Elliptical..about 20 mins in I got a cramp in my foot that would not go away...so when I finished with my 30 mins I left...I decided that I wanted to get a good upper workout at my reg gym tonight and then I'll do lower on Friday...So although I didn't get as good of a work out as I had planned at least I did do something. I will be so glad to be back at where I feel comfortable and welcomed tonight.. Got my bag packed and am ready for the gym!!!! Whooohooo!

On the Positive Side..
Yay....Michael Grimm, who I wanted to win
America's Got Talent...WON!!!!!
I so will buy his music when it comes out in the stores. I love his bluesy type of music. I see he already has my favorite "Leave Your Hat On" on iTunes.
Mark my words..this guy will be a big hit!

If you ask me this was the best year ever for AGT!.

My day off yesterday!

Good Morning.
I had a good day yesterday (for me). 
It didn't start out that way because at 3:30 am I was fighting to sleep..I've learned over the years it's best just to get up and do something when this happens to me. So I got up out of bed and came here. I blogged and visited my fav blogs, which got back me on track.

Then I fixed myself a small egg burrito (an egg w spinach & onion wrapped in a fajita size tortilla), a half an avacado and a glass of Mango juice for breakfast before leaving the house. I had an appointment at 10:30 to get my hair trimmed for the Wedding I'm going to this Saturday. I want to look my best!

Before I left the house I decided that since the shop is not that far from the gym that I would head over to it when I got done with my hair so I dressed in my workout clothes..that way I couldn't make an excuse. I am determined to get some exercise on my days off, no excuses..it was between going to the gym or going to the park and doing 3 miles. I decided on the gym because by the time I got done at the shop it was hot outside..and although I would rather walk outside than do the treadmill, I do love lifting weights and I need to work on my core and shoulders. I started off with 30 mins on the treadmill at 7% incline walking at 4.3...this is as good as it gets for me..I was totally sweaty when I got done..Then I hit the weight room..it's amazes me that it seems like no matter what time of the day I go to the gym I run into someone I knew before. Yesterday I ran into 3 old friends...spent some time catching up but still got in a good workout.

I stopped at WallyWorld after the gym..one of the things I love about WallyWorld is that I can go there even in my gym clothes and all sweaty and no one seems to notice..to pick up a couple of cards..a wedding card and a birthday card for Princess Val (her b'day is Thurs). While I was there I found a couple of really cute newborn outfits on sale for my New grandNiece that will be born in November and a nice candle (also on sale)  for the wedding couple (I can't afford much right now). Looked at buying a candy bar (I was hungry) but decided that a banana would do just as well...I actually like banana's IF they don't have any brown spots on them..for that reason I usually only buy one or two at a time, if I buy more than that I end up throwing them out. So buying a banana was a "treat" for me..and I ate it on my way home in the truck..took care of that craving for sweets!
Anyway I felt pretty good about taking care of three people on my list and staying within my budget (kind of...I'll have to figure out what I can do without in the next couple of weeks...not going to worry about it!)..One of the reasons (besides it's cheap) I go to WallyWorld (why do I feel I need to be ashamed I go there?) is because I really hate shopping and I can get everything at one stop. I parked at the end of the parking lot (I always do) so I got an extra walk in.

I then came home ate some lunch, took a shower and read some of my book. For supper I decided to fix me some spaghetti. I use whole grain spaghetti which I really like..I don't like tomato sauce on it though. I had some mushrooms, celery, onion and lots of garlic in olive oil to cover it with (no cheese)...it was so yummy with a half a glass of wine. I can't fix just one serving when I cook..I try to cut back on the amount I fix but since I NEVER measure anything and cook as I go, using whatever I have in the kitchen, it always ends up being more than I can or should eat at one time..(I hate leftovers, this is why I don't fix all my meals for the week at one time like some of my friends do). After having one plate of this yummy stuff I went back into the kitchen to fix me a cup of tea and as I was taking another bite of the speghetti that was leftover in the pan..I made myself STOP! and put the rest away covered in the refrigerator..(I had it for breakfast this morning and I'm so satisfied...;-)....
After that I watched America's Got Talent..I think they had the best talent this year than they ever have in the past..I liked Prince Poppycock but was disappointed in his routine last night..I think he blew it totally..what I like about him was his humor in his songs..last night he was way to serious..My all time Favorite is Michael Grimm...I now that my Daughter and G'son voted for him. I hope he wins..
After that was over I turned off the tv and finished my book..then went to bed.
All in All it was a Good day for me..

Today I need to go to the Dollar Store and buy some wrapping paper and since it's over by the gyms other location (the one I worked at for a year) I will stop by there and do the StairMonster and maybe some abs (if my stomach isn't giving me fits by then)..then maybe stop by and see a friend who I haven't had much time to see lately (she's on my way home)...Oh yeah before I do any of that I need to go to the AOC site and sign up for a hike for next Weds evening.

8 Signs to watch out for!

I'm looking (and finding) all the signs to watch out for that I am letting myself fall back into my old (and bad) habits again. Letting myself go there is NOT an option anymore so the signs will help me.

1. Not making my bed & picking up any clothes laying around in my bedroom when I first wake up.
    I had to force myself do these things yesterday...for too long I convinced myself that since no one 
    sees my bedroom that it didn't matter...But it does..I feel sooo much better when I go into that 
    room when I get home or at night before going to bed and seeing it all clean...I know that I had
    a good start to my day.
      
2. Not doing my dishes Daily! You would think this one would be an easy one for me since I grew
    up with dirty dishes. I should HATE having dirty dishes in my house. I remember my Mom hiding 
    dirty pots & pans in the oven when we had company.   I used to use the excuse that when my 
    kitchen was clean then I would bake and if all the dishes were  dirty then I couldn't.
    This was just an excuse !  Recently I quit using my dishwasher (it takes a week to fill it up)
    and bought a small drain tray and I try not to dirty more dishes than what will fit in it. And I've 
    been doing so good on keeping my dishes washed until this week when  I didn't do dishes for 3 
    days.  After leaving here this morning and realizing that I was falling back to my old ways, I
    washed up the dishes and cleaned my kitchen.. I did feel better after that. It was nice coming
    home to a clean kitchen tonight after the gym.
     
3.  Not going to the gym or going and not really giving it my all.  I've been sporadic lately on the 
     gym and it's crazy because I know that I feel so much better when I go to the gym and get a 
     good workout. Excuses are not accepted here any longer...

4.  Secluding myself from my friends & family.  I know people don't believe me when I tell them that
     I am happiest when I am by myself (especially if I'm reading...which I do a lot of). This is weird
     because I also love being around people especially when I'm feeling good about myself.
     I've been bad this past week about answering text msgs and phone calls...I really do hate talking
     on the phone. Not sure what's with that.
    
5.  Not caring about how I look.  Not sure where I'm going with this one..will have to do more
     thinking on it.

6.  Mindless eating.  This one I'm still working on...and endless problem for me.

7. Having trouble sleeping at night. A problem I've had for years when I've got things on my mind
    and it seems like tonight is one of those nights. I know that sleep helps but haven't figured out
    just how to get it.

8. Negative Self talk or just Plain being Negative about everything.  I promised myself that this
    blog IS going to be Positive. It got to where all I did was moan and groan about how bad things
    were on my last blog and I really don't want to go there with this one. I want to look for the
    positive side of EVERY Thing...

I hate that Money dictates how I live!

Fighting to remember that there is more to my life than having monies.
My new job is so much better than the two part time jobs I had last year BUT I still am not making enough money to live on and do some of the things I want. In fact I'm barely making enough to pay my bills and buy groceries.
I got carried away last month and spent more than I should have on extra things...like clothes, the gym and paying for the 5K. And then also I pulled some monies out of my savings to pay for the truck repairs I needed . Then there was the party that I held last weekend..I thought I would be able to limit myself on what I spent but as usual I spent more than I planned. ..now I have very little left.
What I'm really fighting is not to go down back into that dark hole that I've spent the last year in..where I give up on all the good things in my life. I hate that MONIES dictate how I live!
I refuse to give into this depression again..I will not hide! I will figure out a way to get ahead and still live the life I want. I really do not want a lot..I just want to not only exist but to live.
I will look at the positive side of life and not let all the negative things bog me down.
Now ...I'm off to find some of that positive things in life.

Looking Back to Sept. 11, 2006

I started blogging back in 2005. My blog was called Me, Myself & I. I started it after I had gone from 235 pounds to 179 pounds. I belonged to eDiets then and somewhere there hooked me on Skwigg's blog. One day after reading her I thought "this is a good thing. I think I want to do it" and I did for 5 years.  I went strong for a couple of years and when things went south for me I quit blogging because I felt I had become too negative, my life became too much of a struggle. The reason I started a new blog with a new name was because I'm not the same person I was back then. Although I still have Evil Eva and Moaning Mona as other personalities..I'm not Sexy Sue anymore and I'm not sure I ever will be. I like the idea of Lady Sue..it's a new and better ME!
I've been going back to read some of my old blogs to get some idea of where I was and the things I was doing (good and bad) to help me now. It's pretty interesting and sometimes down right Funny. I decided to post this one from 4 years ago just to remind myself where I was and where I am now...


Monday, September 11, 2006
From one extreme to the next

Last night as I sat at the Sports Bar watching football and drinking beer...I thought to MYSELF...here I am in a total differant atmosphere than I was 2 nights ago...2 nights ago I was hanging out with the "beautiful" people, drinking wine, listening to jazz and enjoying the Atlanta night life...now here I am hanging out with a bunch of crazy guys, getting rambutious, listening to runchy jokes in a bar that you can hardly hear yourself in...and I'm totally enjoying myself... I love the fact that my life is so unprediticable...and so full of doing differant things... A few months ago I was bemoaning to MYSELF that I didn't do anything but go to the gym & work...Not any more....

The only thing I could wish for now is if I would win the lottery so I could afford to do ALL the things that I would love to do...but I'm finding out that there is STILL alot that I can do that doesn't cost a lot of monies...all you have to do is surround yourself with people that like to do things...(I still haven't won the lottery and monies are still tight for me)

Some of the things that we are talking about doing is:

rollerskating/blading...(too many years I worried about being to fat to do this..I used to love rollerskating when I was young)  (I think I'll have to pass on this one..not interested, at least not this year)

bowling (we did this and had a blast)

White Water Rafting (ok so this one might be a little over the top for me, since I don't swim but if the group really wants to do it...I'll be there) (ok, I've done this one twice since I wrote this..the third time we went I backed out, just did not have a good feeling about it..And the raft flipped over...TG I listened to my intuition.)

going to 6 Flags to ride the rollercoasters ( I would still like to do this one)

Go to a play (not sure which one yet) (ditto)

Things I would like to do if I had monies

Go on a cruise (I think I'm over this one...but I would like to travel to other countries)

Skydive (yeah, I know I'm afraid of heights but I really need to get over that fear too) (I did a Tandem Skydive last year and it was a HOOT..I would do it again in a second if I had the monies)

Learn to rock climb (I might do this one anyway next year after I get over my fear of heights) (nope..don't see this one happening)

Go to the symphony/opera (all dressed to the max) (I had forgot about this one..Yes, I would still like to do it..it fits Lady Sue perfectly)

Go to a football game in a differant city than Atlanta (not into football at all anymore...maybe a Jazz Festival would be fun though)

Losing Larry and living through the terror of 9/11 has made me want to live life to the fullest...

Life can be cut short so easy and so fast...who knows how long any of us have...but as long as I'm able I want to be able to say "I Did it the best that I could"...

I was so much more together then and I want that feeling back..I want to do the best that I can!

Winning against my inner voices!

I constantly have these voices in my mind telling me what to do! In the past couple of years I've let the "bad" voices rule although I know they do not want the Best for Me. The "good" voices are there too, I just haven't been listening to them enough.

What these "bad" voices have told me was that I was worthless, that I don't matter! So why should I take care of myself? It's too hard to eat healthy, besides it's too expensive and since I don't have a good paying job (because I'm worthless and can't do anything) all I should give in and eat what I really like...sugar may cause my stomach to hurt and gives me a headache BUT I like it and I need it to keep away that craving and It really makes me feel better. Walking or exercising is too hard..it's so much better to sit around and read a book or two or watch tv..doing nothing is easy..working out is hard!

The trouble with giving into this "bad" side of myself is that it gets easier to do nothing. BUT (notice the big But) I know that if I DON'T give in and I do what I know REALLY makes me feel good, these voices in my mind give up.

So How do I win in this daily struggle? One day at a time! Follow my Plan! Having a plan and sticking to it may not be easy but IT can be done. I did it today (so far). I woke up this morning and altho the voices told me to roll over and go back to sleep, I got up and made my bed (the voices said not to because no one but me would see it). After washing my face & brushing my teeth I spoke with my Daughter on the phone and made plans for tonight for my grandson's B'day (my voices were jumping up and down because now my plans to go to the gym had changed). But instead of giving into those voices I decided that it was too beautiful of a morning to waste so I went to my favorite park to do my 3 miles walk/jog. I can tell you the voices screamed at me for the first mile, telling me  I didn't have to do the whole 3 miles, I could take the short cuts and I didn't have to walk/jog so fast..I'm old, I need to go slow..my legs hurt..I need to sit down..but I didn't give into them..no sirrreee...I did the whole 3 miles and although I can feel the ache in my knee and I'm stiff in the lower back..I feel GOOD about myself. I actually did better than I thought I would on the time.  It took me 45 mins to do the 3 miles and I'm working towards doing it in 30 mins for the 5k at the end of the month. I do Not want to be the last person to finish the race!

When I got done at the park I drove to WallyWorld to buy the grandson a b'day card and gift. While there the "bad" voice again attacked me telling me that I deserved something sweet to eat, but my "good" voices told me that I had watermelon at home waiting for me. This actually sounded good so I listened to the "good" voices.

On the Positive Side... I got all my housework done and mowed my yard yesterday so I'm now thinking about going to the gym to sit in the Hot Tub to soak some of the aches & pains out of my body...might even lift a few weights. I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

I'm always on the lookout for Motivation and checking out other blogs..It seems like everyone I've been checking out has this one that they follow (besides Swkigg). So I checked out Jack Sh*t and I really like him. I loved his sense of humor (see Bad, Badder & Worstest). So I've added him on my list to follow.

Also I've added my weight to my blog...this is a big step for me because I've been putting it off hoping I would lose below 210 before any one would know that I'm this big (who am I kidding?)..I'll post my weight no matter if I gain or not every week..either Tues or Wed..

I'm also working (in my mind) on an idea I have how to motivate myself to get down below 200 before Christmas and help out others. More on that later!

September's a busy month!

I'm looking at my calendar for this month and am amazed that I have so much to do. It started out with my End of the Summer Party I had this past Friday. A fun group and a fun time had by all.

I also have 3 birthdays (my grandson's 12th tomorrow, Princess Val's next week, and my Daughters at the end of the month), a baptism on the 12th, a wedding on the 18th and the 5K to run on the 26th....

So with all this to do how am I going to stay on track to getting fit? One day at a time!

   One of my friends took this picture of me at my party. As I've said before I HATE pictures of myself because in my mind I don't look like that.. I always make a weird face, like that's going to distract from my body..I try not to do this anymore but as you can see from this one..I'm still doing it..What's with that? I kind of like that the picture here is distorted, in the original I look fatter. It's like a fun house mirror. Maybe I need one of those in my bedroom...you know the farther away you stand the taller and skinnier you look..LOL..problem is I would probably get one of those that makes me look shorter and fatter..OH NO! I never realize how short I look until I see me in pictures. I think I'm going to have to start wearing long sleeve shirts because my arms are getting age spots on them..I try to pass them off as freckles but they are getting to big for that. Oh Well. I have friends & family (most of them in fact) that are very photogenic..they all know just how to pose to look good and none of them make weird faces. I've never been photogenic. It's a challenge to who ever is taking my picture to get a good one of me. I'm not worrying about that anymore. I just do the best that I can and live with the results.

I did weigh myself this morning and was surprized that I had not gained but actually had lost 1 pound..I know 1 pound doesn't sound like much but it's still better than gaining, which I thought I had. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter if I don't lose weight as long as I am doing all the things I know that I should be doing..eating healthy, drinking water and getting exercise. Truthfully IF I really was doing all this I would be Losing the weight. Since I've started this Blog I have actually gained So I need to take a LONG HARD look at where I am today and quit lying to myself and saying it doesn't matter..Because It does.

I haven't been posting my weight because (1. )I'm ashamed that I weigh so much. (2.) I refuse to let the # rule me..As I've said before (or if not in writing I'm saying so now). My weight does not define me..It is not WHO I am. .(3.) I do not weigh on a regular schedule but when I do weigh it is at the same time of the day, first thing in the morning. (4.) My weight has been fluctuating between 3 pounds.
I will probably start posting WHEN I start losing on a regular basis. My immediate goal is to get under 200 pounds before Christmas. I have clothes that I would love to get into by this winter.

I went to the gym last night for the first time in over a week. It felt good but I really had to talk myself into it..my inner voice kept coming up with all the excuses why I didn't need to go..but I didn't give into it.

On the Positive Side...Sometimes being forgetful is good. The last couple of times I've gone to the grocery store my inner voice has talked me into buying a candy bar (Three Musketeer is my fav..) but when I get up to the check out I forget..then remember when I get out to the truck and it's too late.  This has happened to me the last 3 times I've gone. Not a Bad Thing..

Looking for the "magic"

I just got back from my morning walk with my neighbors dog. It's a beautiful day out and I love walking. I even ran (a little) down a couple of hills with her.
I've been busy this last week getting my house ready for my party that I had on Friday night so I haven't gotten to "my plan" of going to the gym and the park but I have been taking Morgan (neighbor's dog) on short walks around the neighborhood.  I'm watching her until Monday night so at least that gives me the motivation to get out a little.
I have a long way to go to get ready for the 5k in 3 weeks if I'm going to run..I'll be all right to walk it...I do that (3 miles) at the park with no problem..but I really want to get my time down to at least 30 minutes and to do that I will have to run part of the way.
My lower back has been bothering me a lot lately and I know it's because of the extra weight I'm carrying..also my knees are feeling it and the only way it's going to get better is if I take off weight. I really hate the "aches & pains" that goes along with being over weight and I really NEED to get myself back to where I feel good again. I'm not going to say I need to "lose" it because then there's a chance I might "find" it again..Of course this is what I said the last time I took off the weight and I still put it back on. This time I really need to find the "magic" way of keeping off what I take off. Funny thing about "aches & pains" when I feel them from working out it's like a badge of honor..I know I'm doing good.
I know with hard work and motivation I can take off the weight and get back in better shape but truthfully I'm worried that I will do all this and then to only gain it back again. That's what has happened to me 2 times already in the past 10 years. I feel that at 60 years old I'm running out time to keep playing this "losing game"
so now I'm on the search for that "Magic" way that has worked for others who took off the weight and kept it off...I'm pretty sure it's through "HARD" work..there is never an easy way..dang!.

Goal # 3..There's no turning back now!

So I've been busy with my first 2 goals ...Believing in myself and Being my own Best Friend..I decided today that it's time to move on to the next goal..

Goal # 3 is to do a 5k (run or walk)
I've just signed up (and paid) on line for the Duluth Fall Festival 5k race on Sept 26th. And since there is no refund, I have one month to get myself ready.

5 years ago when this picture was taken I came in second place for my age group (and got the plaque to show for it..LOL) at this race   I look happy don't I? I was in pretty good shape because I had worked hard for 2 years and was close to my weight goal. I had lost over 60 pounds.

I would love to have this success again (in the race and the weight loss).

I know for this race I will have to work extra hard to get myself ready. This will be the third time I've done this race course..it's a nice course..not too strenuous or too hilly so I figure it's a good one to start off with (again). I'm excited about it. It's the motivation I need to get myself going. No more Excuses!

I'll tell you the truth..I have the jittery stomach thinking about putting myself out there again. I know I can do this. I need to get myself out of the "comfort zone" at the gym and start pushing myself more.

SO the Plan (I seem to love plans today) is to start running intervals on the treadmill at the gym in the evenings after work at least 3 times a week. I need to get up earlier in the morning (truthfully I've been staying up till 12- 1 in the morning and then staying in bed until 8 am) and take a walk/jog around the neighborhood..it's got some great hills at least 2 days a week (if not more). On my days off I need to get my butt to my favorite park (which is where I trained for 5k & 10k's before) whether it's in the morning or the evening..I've done this in the past and I can do it again.

I have my support team behind me...I 've just talked with my daughter and she and the grandkids are coming to cheer me on. I also posted on facebook so I know that all my friends will be supporting me.

I have the KNOWLEDGE all I have to do is put it into ACTION!

And since today is my day off I will finish cleaning my house and then go to the park..I HAVE A GOAL!

Learning to accept myself as I am right now and loving it

Does not mean that I don't want to lose this extra 50 pounds I'm carrying around..it means that I refuse to moan and groan about how I look right now. I'm finding that I am more than what I see in the mirror and I really like who I am..My weight does not define who I am. I CAN still be happy and love life. I will still be ME when I lose the weight (again) just easier to look at..LOL.

 I know that I can lose this weight and I will but it won't happen over night. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and all this extra weight will be gone (damn). It will take a lot of work and determination to get to my goal. I'm not giving up just because it's Hard or I've had some setbacks. I need to follow my plan..the one I know that works for me. (Pep talk to myself).
My plan is 5 simple steps:
1. Journal/Motivation...
2. Exercise..need to burn more calories than I take in each day.
3. Eat healthy..Protein & carbs need to balance..there is no "forbidden" foods just "portion control".
4. Drink water
5. Have Fun

I know I've said all this before..and I'll keep repeating it until I have got it down pat.

Random Thoughts

I've come to the conclusion that I have too much "stuff" in my head...I can't seem to focus lately! Not sure if it's from all the "stuff" I read (my fav time thing to do) or if it's just  an age thing. Or maybe it's an accumulation of both..

 I have lots of things I think I'll blog about but when I sit down to type it all flies out of my head..or  I see that someone else has blogged about it and they say it so much better than I could ever . My blogs now seem incomplete to me...when I'm thinking about what I want to blog the words just seem to come to my mind but then when I sit in front of the computer to type it I can't think of the words anymore.

I've been checking out other blogs to get motivation (and it does) and I think I'm having "Blog Envy". It's not that I want to have the following that say FF&P has but I want to be able to put into words what I am feeling at the time.

Also I used to be funny! When I look back over my some of my first blogs on Me, Myself & I,  I actually laugh...where is that humor now? Was it because I was so happy with myself it just seemed to come out in my blogs? When did I get so serious? Finding Lady Sue should be fun..

I survived the hike!

It turned out a little different than I planned though.
I got to the park on time and met up with the group which consisted of the trip leader D, Sandra with her black dog,  2 first time hikers Ava (from Mexico) and Tanya (from France) three guys (one with a dog) and me. Sandra with the dog was probably the youngest of us all in her late 30's early 40's, as usual I was the oldest in the group.  We started out fine. I talked with D and one of the guys (who just happened to have the same name as my cuz Glen). After about a mile and half of keeping up a fairly fast pace I fell back to the end of the pack with Glen. I always feel more comfortable being the last one in the line, that way I don't slow anyone down.
 We were all spread out and the trail was pretty easy, not exactly flat but no big hills, I had my favorite walking stick that helps me keep the weight off my knees. Then I see Tanya take a fall in front of me. She is probably the next oldest in the group...maybe in her middle 50's. She is crying saying she twisted her foot and that she was dizzy and sick to her stomach.  Now we are in the middle of the hike on a small trail where no one can drive up and pick her up (which is what I think she wanted) so after we got her calmed down. Gave her some Gatorade and I gave her a mint to suck on (to settle her stomach). We got her up out of the trail and using my walking stick had her go to the side of the trail (funny thing is she didn't even limp).
After talking with D who has done this trail before, she and I decided it would be best if Tanya went back the way we had come to a service road that we had crossed which would take us back to the main road. I volunteered to go with her and Ava since I knew the service road and that way once we got to the main road Ava could go back to the parking spot and get her car (she & Tanya had come together) while I stayed with Tanya. The rest of the group would continue and finish the hike.
We took it slow going back and Tanya didn't seem to be having any problem walking. She did tell me that she was on Antibiotics and was wearing a long sleeve jacket so I figured the heat is what was making her dizzy and sick to her stomach. We got her back to the main road with out any trouble and loaded in the car after Ava went and got it. By this time it was 7:30pm and I decided after seeing them off that I would walk around the lake...my usual walk at this park since it would take me too long to catch up with the group. It was a nice night for a walk and by the time I got back to the parking the rest of the group was getting there. So all though I didn't get to hike that much at least I got in a good walk and I met some nice people.

I need Sleep!

I should have never blogged my worries here last night...all I did was dream about the hike tomorrow and it wasn't good..What with all the hiking I did in my dreams I didn't get hardly any rest during the night...now I'm dragging around this morning...Not Good! LOL!

I've been trying to get at least 6 to 7 hours of sleep at night..which is a lot compared to the 4 -5 hours of sleep that I'm used to..I still wake up several times during the night...almost always at 3 am...I don't know if it's because that's the time I got up for Larry the 23 years we were together so my internal clock is set to that or not.

From everything I've  read I do know (and agree) that a body needs sleep to rejuvenate itself. I guess that's where the 8 hour rule came in...I also  know that If I sleep more than 8 hours I feel headachey and draggy (is there such a word?) all day so I think the 6-7 is good for me.  Now if I could just figure out HOW to make my mind and body do it!

I know that I can't have anything to eat (especially sweets) for at least 3 hours before going to bed...something I'm still working on as this is when I really crave foods (especially sweets).

And I know that I need to clear my mind of any problems or worries I have before going to bed or I will end up tossing and turning all night...Surprisingly keeping my house clean has helped.   I actually feel good about my home because just doing little things each day (such as making my bed, picking up my clothes and doing the few dishes I have) has decluttered my mind. I never knew it was bothering me so much but since I've began not letting things go even for one day I feel so much lighter in my mind. It is a joy to wake up to my house each morning. I actually look forward to getting out of bed. I know it only takes me less than a half hour to do what I need to do so when I do come home after my work out at the gym in the evening I can relax and enjoy myself. Hmmmm...nice...which actually helps with my sleeping...

hmmm interesting how it all works out!

Hiking!

I've signed up for a hike Tuesday afternoon. It's suppose to be an easy D3 hike but the team leader mentioned in her description that since this is a fairly easy trail that the pace will be moderate to fast..Then I looked to see who signed up for the hike and it's all 40 year olds.  I know that I can do the hike but fast? Not sure about that..The reason I gave up hiking was not because I couldn't do it but because I'm so slow..That's me Slow & Steady..once I start I never stop to rest until I'm done..No matter what I'm going to do this hike but I can't help but worry! I remember hiking with people who couldn't do the hike and how it made everyone grumble..and I don't want to be the one that ruins the hike for everyone. I've been walking on the treadmill at the gym..which to me is harder than walking on the trail..at least the trail isn't so boring and hate having the mill move under my feet..at least on the trail it doesn't move..Well..I'm going to stop worrying and I'm just going to enjoy the hike. It's close to home..in fact it's at the park that I usually go walking at and I've been wanting to go off the main trail anyway..I'm not going to worry about my age because most of my friends are lots younger than me.

On the Positive Side...I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Haven't allowed myself any negative self talk for a while. :-) and tomorrow is Monday (my Friday because I'm off on Tuesday and Wednesday).

You are only as old as you feel!

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only 60 year old that is trying to get my life together. I've been checking out some other blogs..so far I've found some 40 & 50 year olds who seem to think they are "over the hill"..so what does that make me? DETERMINED! That's what!

I added http://fiftyfatandgrumpy.blogspot.com/ to my Blog list..so far she comes the closest to how I feel...except that I love the gym and she doesn't...

I've been told over and over that "you are only as old as you feel" ..Ok some days that's pretty darn old and other days I feel that I'm still in my 30's..I refuse to let my age define me.  Just because I'm 60 years old does not mean that my life is over. I will not sit on the couch and watch life go by. I still have so much that I haven't done in this life and I plan on doing it (or at least giving it a good try). I watched "Bucket List" the other day and am going to come up with my own List of things I would do if I won the" Lottery" ! (hey I bought 2 tickets tonight!) I'll get back to this later.

On the Positive Side...I went to the gym tonight and worked out in the free weight area for the first time since I've been back.I've been using the machines but I always liked the free weights better...Friday nights a good time to go because most of those "hunky" guys that work out are somewhere else (probably out with their fit and young girls..lol)..  I did have to drop my weights but I still did my old routine and it felt pretty damn good.  I even watched myself in the mirrors and only praised myself..I refused to think negative thoughts...I did do bench presses and I felt pretty good about myself when I left the gym in my sweat soaked clothes.
I have been  putting in at least 3 days a week and although I don't see a difference in my weight, I do see a difference in how I feel. I'm standing/sitting up straighter..holding in my tummy more with my chin up. I do know it all takes time and I have faith that IF I keep it up I will get to where I want..

I want more PLEASE!

I totally enjoyed talking with friends last night at the Social. As I was looking around at everyone I came to the realization what I have missed so much is the Positive energy these people give off..they are so happy to be doing what they love..being outdoors in nature hiking, kayaking and meeting others that are like minded.
The time I was hiking/backpacking with them was some of the best times in my life.  And I want more of those good times!

I also realized on my way home that I am the ONLY one that has been keeping me from enjoying life using my weight gain and money situation as an excuse. No one ever told me that I couldn't hike or do the things I like..No one in this group has ever complained about me..I was too busying doing that myself to understand that it was really just an EXCUSE not do the things I like...And I have been miserable for the past year because of this..Nothing was ever accomplished by sitting around and moaning/groaning about how things are..you have to put yourself out there and move..

I have had this good feeling for weeks now and I don't want it to end. I know that how I look at life and the choices I make are responsible for my well being. If I look at things in the negative way then I will be miserable. Even in the toughest times there is always something good to find. I've said those words many times in the past but I see now that I chose my main focus to be on the bad things not the good. I suppose this is human nature and I'm not sure how to keep it from happening again..because if I've learned anything in this lifetime it is that there will be hard times in my life. But for now I Want more Good Feelings PLEASE.  I know it is up to ME to get out there and find them..Not to let myself be complacent and stagnant. I have to push myself out of this box that I've gotten myself into and not only find Lady Sue but find what makes me happy.

So GOALS....
1. Keep working on getting fit so I can get back into the things I love like hiking/backpacking.
2. Keep myself from going into seclusion..Put myself out there with like minded friends.
3. Be my own best friend...no negative self talk!
4. Be proud of what I have accomplished!

Step 2. Fit the dress!

7.Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body. From 20 ways to love your body .
For so long now I've refused to buy bigger clothes...told myself that I would lose weight so I could wear the clothes I already have..but in the meantime I've been miserable...the clothes I have are too tight and I definately look FAT in them...I look in the mirror and give myself the negative talk because I hate how I look in them.. Step one for me was to clear out my closet of all the clothes that don't fit me anymore...which I wrote about here...  This was back in June (how time flies).

 For some reason since I gained the extra weight I've been buying ALL my clothes at WalMart...and absolutely refused to go to the Big womens sizes..so nothing was comfortable on me. I feel like most of the clothes I buy there do not say "this is me".. they were just something to wear..

So Step 2.. I've taken a good hard look at myself this past couple of weeks and decided to get my head out of my ass...and admit..I'M BIG!  I weigh over 200 pounds so of course I'm not going to fit into my size 12 & 14 clothes anymore..Even most of size 16 are tight on me...Even when I was in size 10 pants my tops were still Large..because I have heavy arms and large shoulders..this is who I am..doesn't mean that I can't look good..it just means that I don't have and never will have a model type body..

Now that I've gotten the new job and have a few extra dollars I've been buying a few clothes at Ross's Dress Barn...this was my all time favorite place to buy my skinny clothes at a great price. I can usually find tops that I feel fit my style..not old lady clothes or things teenagers wear.. I started out buying size 1X but even they are  tight on me so the last couple of blouse I bought are size 2X..I probably won't be able to wear them once I start losing the weight but they are comfortable (but not baggy) on me right now and I feel like I look good .

I got my hair cut today and went to Ross's and bought a couple of shirts (yes they are size 2X), I like the style and fit of both. I started to say that they looked better on the hanger than on me (more negative talk) but damn I feel good .  I even took pictures of myself with my cell phone..and you know I hate pictures of myself...( figure if I take enough pictures I will get to where I can actually like looking at them...lol).

I'm going to wear this tonight since I've gotten up the nerve to go to the AOC Monthly Social.. I haven't been for over a year because this is my Outdoors group and they are mostly all young and fit..but I love the energy these people have and find that I really miss them..I follow them all on Facebook but it's not the same...I'm making myself get out of seclusion and putting myself out there..

5 things that I love about myself!

This morning I've been spending time reading blogs for inspiration/motivation at operationbeautiful.com my new all time favorite place to be. I've been looking for blogs that relate to what I'm trying to do..finding myself..and in the process I'm finding a lot of good tools to have through others. When I get done reading I find that I feel lighter and happier. Finding happiness again...To me this is more important than actually losing the pounds right now. I'm still working on losing but I find that first I have to accept who and what I am...and to do that I need get rid of some bad habits  (like negative thinking) So instead of looking in the mirror and listing all the things I hate about my body, today I'm going to look inside of myself and find 5 things I love about myself.

1. I love that I am a Loving Mom, a Fun Grami, an Awesome Aunt and a Good Friend!

2. I love that I see beauty in so many things, such as a smile, trees/flowers, a bird in flight, clouds and the stars in the sky on a clear night.

3. I love that I am spontaneous!

4. I love my freckles (they make me unique).

5. I love my strength.

That wasn't so hard! I wonder how many more things I can find?

I also working on  20 ways to love your body

I'm off to have a beautiful day!

No More Negative Self Talk!

The other day my granddaughter Jessi said something that has gotten me thinking. I was telling her how beautiful she is when she said to me..."NO Grami I'm Ugly! You have to say I'm beautiful because you're my Grami. " and she truly believes it. She wasn't just saying it to get attention...she is only 7 years old and is already starting with the negative self talk. And where does she get it? I do it all the time...any time some one compliments me..I deny and find a negative thing to say..if someone says my hair is nice..I say it's a mess today.. I look in the mirror and tell myself that I look bad all the time..I notice my daughter (Jessi's Mom) does the same thing. Is this just a BAD habit? If so then I CAN and Will break myself of it...and thanks to http://operationbeautiful.com/ I now see that I'm not alone and there is help out there for me..I want to feel good about myself just how I am..I'm not waiting for the day that I have lost weight....
I love the post it note idea. I'm posting one on my mirror tonight. It's just hard for me to say that I'm Beautiful!!!..But maybe if I say enough I will eventually believe it...
Found this blog through operationbeautiful and it works for me..
http://www.healthforthewholeself.com/2010/08/be-your-own-best-friend/  great advise on how to become my own best friend..it's so true I wouldn't say any of the negative things I say to myself to my friends or to my daughter..From now on my best Friend is ME!

Tuesday!

Having my days off in the middle of the week is certainly different for me. It feels like Saturday but everyone I know is at work..hmmm. What can I do with myself today?

I used to be organized but as you can tell by the picture of my desk this morning,  things have gotten out of control and I keep putting off going through all the junk. Last time I cleaned my desk I just dumped everything in a box and put it out in the garage. I'm sure there is something in there that I should file away but since it's been a few months and I haven't needed it I guess it's no big deal..this has been my attitude about pretty much on everything in the last year. Out of site out of mind! But not anymore!

 So today I not only cleaned my desk up..I put everything where it belonged. I did find a couple of things that I had totally forgotten..A poem I wrote for a party we had back in August 1996 and note my neighbor had written to me a few months ago. I got a good laugh out of both of them...Maybe someday I will blog about them.

My desk now looks like this... which I can live with a whole lot better. I love my office but have dreaded cleaning my desk so I've put it off..just like I've been doing with a lot of things in my life. I guess it's a sign that I'm on my way to a better life.

I'm going to reward myself and go out and buy a book.
Later

Catch Up Time..

Where did the time go?..I see it's been a full week since I've Blogged...

Food  ...I still haven't conquered the food tracking...truthfully I'm not even trying. I am trying to watch WHAT I eat but I know I've got a long ways to go before I get it right. Not going to give up though..I just have to find a way that works for me..

Exercise..The gym...I love it..I've been taking it slow and building up..because I didn't want to be so sore that I couldn't move...but I do know that I have to be a little sore or I'm not going to build the muscle back like I want.  I went last night and pushed myself on doing legs...second time since I've joined back. It felt good..my legs were tired when I left the gym but they don't feel to bad today. I still haven't done the treadmill...but tonight I will..I want start off with interval jogging (can't truthfully call what I do running)...to see if I can build myself back up to running... I still want to do a 5K in the future...looking at the one @ the end of September.
First I'll see how my knees do on the treadmill and then maybe I'll go back to the park next time I'm off work and see how I do..I know if I keep pushing myself a little bit at a time I can get to where I want...just not sure about the time line...I refuse to get discouraged..if running isn't something I can do..then I'll find something else that I can do.

Motivation..I've been invited to go a Wedding in September with some friends...I would like to lose some of this excess fat around my belly by the time I go so the skirt I'm planning on wearing will fit me better..I know I won't be skinny by then (if ever)..but I want to feel good about myself. I know all my friends support me and do not judge me..I do enough of that myself...but I don't want to embarrass them..
I'm getting my hair cut on Aug 10th..keep your fingers crossed it turns out good..at least if not I'll have a couple of weeks for it to grow out before the wedding..LOL..

Excuses...I still keep making them...Didn't go to the gym a couple of times because I was too sore...or it was raining..and one other was I visited my daughter instead..Ok maybe that one was a good reason not excuse...I need to commit to the gym..and stick to it...I know once I get to the gym and start my workout that all is good and then I'm glad I went..

As for eating..I bought ice cream this week because it's hot here in Georgia..now I know ice cream makes me cough for at least an hour after..and the sugar tears up my stomach...also keeps me awake all night..so why do I keep eating it?.The Evil part of me tells me I deserve it and it taste sooo good....and that I have cut back on the scoops and etc. etc..etc..I'm not going to beat myself up about it because it's not the end of the world if I have some ice cream..it's just that I feel I'm not getting control of what I eat. This IS the biggest problem I have. I'm addicted to food...I know I need to find a way to keep from sabotaging myself..I need to take a close look at WHY I do it..just not today...(not good)...

Journaling or blogging...need to figure out why it's so hard to come here some days and easy other days..

I'm still struggling with making myself go out  and do things..I've been advoiding some of my friends...not because I don't want to see or hear from them..but because I'm ashamed of what I've let myself become..
It's so easy just to pick up a book and escape into a fantasy world.

So on the Positive Side...What I did right this past week.....I went to the gym 4 times...I met with my freind Cory and got caught up with him since he's gotten back from his summer trips..I spent time with my Daughter and Granddaughter..even went out to supper with them.  Last night I spoke on the phone with my friend D (who talks forever on the phone).  As I've always said..I'm taking it one step at a time..
More later

Trying NOT to be frustrated here

The keeping track of calories has never been easy for me because I don't know how many calories is in the simple things..like for instance today I'm having 1/2 cantaloupe for breakfast with my cup of tea. You would think with all the books I have in this house I could find one of the calorie counter books I used to have..No such thing..I've looked. Yesterday I went on line to find a tracking system I could use. I finally (after hours of frustration) settled on using Fitday.com. It's the one I used years ago..not bad but since I couldn't find my old account I have to start all over with the set up.  I hate setting up a new food diary because I don't eat packaged foods (much) mostly I cook from scratch and I change the way I make things as the mood hits me..OK I'm starting to get upset again..I can feel the frustration coming.
Anyway Fitday does have a calorie counter but cantaloupe is not in it. I've decided I'll just write down exactly what I'm eating and the time I eat it for now..not to worry about the calories yet. Get used to journaling what I eat first then give Fitday another chance..maybe next week on my day off when I have more time to fool around with it. The one thing I do know is that I'm not going to journal WHAT I eat here!

The good news is that yesterday I went to the gym..I feel so good..I did the Elliptical and then worked out with the machines on my upper body...I'm a little sore in the pec area but other than that I feel good. I took a hot shower this morning and it took out most of the soreness. I thought my tri's would really hurt because I had them burning..I still feel a little burning in them when I tighten them but not bad. I'll go again tonight and work on my lower body.. I really thought I would have to start all over with the lower weights but it was like I had never left the gym. I felt so proud of myself and of course I ran into an instructor that I used to know and she was so supportive of me..I definitly feel this is a step in the right direction for me.

Finding my "Happy"!

This week I've been thinking about signing back up with my gym. I cancelled my membership over a a year ago because I wasn't going for several reasons. No motivation, no gas monies and it was out of the way. When I had been going every day it was because the gym was on my home..so I didn't have any excuses then. I was (and still am) short of monies and figured since I wasn't utilizing the gym I was wasting that money. My new job is close to the gym so there goes that excuse. In thinking about what really made me happy a few years ago my mind goes to all the times I had at the gym...I actually loved it...I miss playing racquetball, doing the hip hop or kickboxing classes and just plain working out with the weights. I felt so good about myself when I was going to the gym. Many of my friends now are ones I met at the gym. I am a very social person and with my current job it is just Princess Val, her Dad, and sometimes Sandi (his girlfriend) all day and then I come home to just me.  I find that I need people around me. As for the monies..I figure if I go 5 times a week it will cost me $1.82 a day, less than $2..I'm saving that much or more on gas with the new job..so I think I can swing the cost. Where else can I go and enjoy myself for such little monies.

So yesterday I went for a tour at Lifetime Fitness..it's a big gym that a lot of the peoples from my old gym went over to. It was nice, had a lot to offer (mostly for families) but the monthly cost was more than I wanted to pay and I just didn't feel comfortable there. It was too fancy..besides they didn't have a racquetball court, which is a biggie for me! And there were a lot of kids running around..Now don't get me wrong I like kids, just not when I'm working out.....I'm glad I checked it out because now I know I'm not missing anything!

SO...I went back over to my old gym and talked to the General Manager and got signed back up. The funny thing is while I was waiting for Aaron (the GM) I ran into 3 different people I knew and talked to them and this was in the off time, in the afternoon and a weekday!!!  I remember that no matter what time I went to this gym I always ran into at least one person I knew. I have been a member since 2003 and I pretty much used to go everyday ...in fact I had worked at a different location for LA Fitness for a year (but I found out that I wasn't good at being a Sales Counselor, not aggressive enuff).  Walking into my old gym, It felt like I had come "home"..I looked at all machines and in my mind I was figuring out what work out I would do first. I will be going today, altho it's my day off, because I have to go over that way to take care of my daughters animals while they are out of town. No excuses here.
I'm actually looking forward to it..I know that tomorrow I'll probably be sore all over but I also know that's part of getting back to where I want to be and it won't last forever (the pain!)..

The other thing I'm going to attempt to start doing today is keeping track of what I eat. I have never been good at counting calories or writing down what I eat...I hate it! I don't want to do it! I'll usually start out good for a couple of days and then give it up..I've tried using the on line tracking systems..they don't work for me..I get too frustrated with them...It's hard!!!! and I'm lazy!  I just want to eat and then forget it..Oh.. I know, I've read all the books and articles how being aware of each bite you put in your mouth will help you lose weight...What with starting out with the weights again, I know that I need to not only watch the amount of what I eat but also that I get enough proteins and carbs so I can get the full benefit of my workout, and that's where tracking what I eat will help.  Also When I am honest and write down EVERY BITE I'm eating, it keeps me from eating those things I know I don't need to be eating. I have to be honest with myself here...I'm not so worried about calories (altho it might surprize me how many I really eat in a day!), but more that I'm balancing my foods. More on all this at a later date when I've had time to think it over more..and also to see if I can get a tracking system that works for me everyday.

Self Image

I'm having trouble today with what I see in the mirror. I like my profile picture but it was taken over 2 years ago and I wish I still look like that but the last couple of years have been hard on me. I'm not sure what I thought I would look like at 60 years old but I do know I want to look my best. I'm one of those people that don't like to look in mirrors and HATE having my picture taken (as all my friends & family will verify). I never see who I think I should. It's not so much that I look old, it's that I just don't look like I think I should!

I took this picture this morning with my cell phone while I was looking in the mirror. In my mind I had this really great smile and my eyes were twinkling and I felt like I looked good. I'm not sure what other people see. I do know that most people tell me I don't look my age..not sure if they are just saying that to be nice or if it's true..I'm not so concerned about looking my age...I just want to go back to looking good like I did a couple of years ago.. I know that I will never be a skinny model type..my body just won't accept that and it won't be me..SO WHO AM I?

Lady Sue's Self Image goals.  I want to be someone who's face shows that she is happy (I am a lot happier now than I was a couple of months ago). I also want to be active..to be able to do the things that I like..such as...not to be afraid to jump on the trampoline with my grandkids if I want.. (my Daughter's MIL, who is older than me, did this a couple of weeks ago at her house and I was so jealous but still afraid to make a fool of myself)..or worry about slowing people down on a hike. And of course I want a body that I don't have to be ashamed of when I look in the mirror.

This picture was taken a couple of months ago when I first decided that I was tired of being who I saw in the mirror and I needed to do something about it. I look tired and beat up.(and I was). I got my hair cut that day and that helped.  So It's not just about losing weight,(I still weigh the same DRAT) it's also about all the little things that make me who I am. Being happy with who I am..I'm working on it! And it seems to be working..

I'm not losing any weight BUT

I still feel good about myself.

This last week has been a roller coaster for me but I'm not beating myself up for it.  After I posted here last I actually went to the refrigerator and instead of eating anything I could find..I cleaned it out instead..throwing away anything I knew that I didn't need...Didn't leave much but it worked for me..got my mind off from "mindless eating" and gave me something positive to do.

Sad to say but Tommy passed away the next morning. You hear all the words that people say to make it better..like "now he's in heaven and not in pain anymore" but it my heart still aches for his parents.
I went to the Funeral...lord how I hate funerals...but again it wasn't about me..I wanted to say my last good bye to Tommy.

My new job is GREAT!  In my mind I've named my "client" Princess Val..We are still on the "honeymoon". She has alot of problems..Turner Syndrome, which affects her size..she's 4'3" and weighs about 60-70 lbs. She's about the size of my Granddaughter who is 7 yrs old..It's hard to remember that she is in her 30's because she is also Autistic and has Tourettes Syndrome..Her days mostly consist of being in her rooms upstairs (like a princess in a tower), and I stay downstairs, (like a ogre or maybe a guard, a nice one I hope) checking on her regularly. Which is where I came up with her nickname...This past week she actually came downstairs to watch her movies with me a couple of times..Her favorite is "Sleeping Beauty". I love to hear her laugh...it's very infectious..She has tried to "play" me against her Dad already..I'm learning that she has a little "imp" in her..but I think I can handle her..It is so much better than my last job.  The house is clean and organized.  I eat my lunch there because they actually eat healthy. There are a couple of things that aren't perfect but I think I can handle it after the last year.

I worked out with Billy Blanks Tae Bo tapes a couple of times this past week...was happy with the results..I was afraid that since I haven't done them for so long that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the tapes or do all of the exercises..but I did...Whooo hooo....I've come to the conclusion that I do better if I have a man instructor (except Gilad..yech)...I've tried some of the programs on FIT TV but I just get irritated at the womens voices. What's with that?

I'm still working on making a plan for my "diet"..I know that the one thing that will help me get my eating under control is to journal...I always do good for a day or two then find excuses not to do it...this time I'm having a hard time convincing myself to even get started..I'm defeating myself before even starting..Something to work on...Looking for a good program that I can stick to..the ones I've tried in the past just didn't work..

I took my truck into the shop to get some work done on it today and instead of sitting there waiting for it I took a walk to the park..actually I was going to go to the library but they didn't open up till 11 am....which was only about an half mile away...I sat under an old oak tree and just listened to the birds and enjoyed the breeze through the trees...it was so nice and relaxing..I realized that this is something I need to do more of..Funny thing was that on my walk I had a guy pull over in his truck to see if I was broke down and needed help..you have got to love small towns....LOL....

Overall I'm pretty happy with myself...I feel that I've come a long way over the last couple of months...

Feeding the Ache!

I have this ache in my chest that I keep trying to feed..altho I know that will not help!

We have friends that are going through a bad time right now. Their son who has cancer is losing his fight for life. No matter how prepared I think I am for these things or how I try to distance myself..it still affects me.
My heart aches for this family so much.  I wish I could make it better for them but I know they will have to find their own way. Luckily they have some really good friends (my daughter is one of them) and support from their family..They are not alone.

Right this moment I am thinking about what I can find to eat to make this ache go away....or to just feel good for a minute. I've been where they are and know how hard it is! It brings back all the feelings and memories of the last days of my son Jason and my husband Larry. All those feelings I thought I've learned how to deal with. I know it's NOT all about ME..but that doesn't stop it!

Food has always been a comfort for me! Whenever I've needed it, it has been there! Although the feeling doesn't last at least it stops the pain for a bit. Instead I've come here to journal these feelings..I would go for a walk at the park but it is too hot out right now. I know I need to focus on dealing with these feeling I have and to learn that food is NOT my friend..it will not make everything all right! In fact if will only make me feel worse in the long run.

I did good on eating all day yesterday until I spoke with my daughter last night who told me that Tommy has taken a turn for the worse and not expected to make it to the week end. Then I started to eat....and eat..until I was sick. I beat myself up for giving into "old bad habits" and here I am today thinking about doing the same all over again..You would think that I would learn! Well maybe I have..just because I gave in last night doesn't mean that I will give up.  I will conquer this and learn by my mistakes!

Enjoying Breakfast

Yesterday I fixed the breakfast I said I was BUT then I brought it in here and ate it while I was on the computer...afterwards I barely could remember what I ate. This is a BAD habit I've gotten into the last couple of years and It's probably going to be one of the hardest to break. I will fix a good meal but instead of enjoying it, I will be doing something else while eating it..even when I do eat at the table it's usually while reading a book. Lately I've been bad about bringing my food into the office and eating while on the computer. The problem with this is that I'm not satisfied...half the time I feel that I haven't even eaten so I go looking for something else to eat. Sometimes, especially if I eat while watching tv, I can't even remember what I ate.  The other thing that is bad, is that although I love to cook and try new recipes, lately I've been only eating what only takes a couple of mins to either nuke in the micro wave.

So this morning I fixed an white egg omlete with mushrooms/onions, turkey bacon, cataloupe and a glass of mango juice AND made myself sit at the table and eat it.  I took my time eating it and enjoying the flavors. Looked out my windows and enjoyed my yard..Just plain had some ME time...I did not rush through it so I could get on the computer or start reading my book. And I feel full and satisfied.

Now this isn't something new, something I didn't know..in fact it's a habit I had when I lost the weight before..sometimes it's not easy to make myself sit at the table and enjoy because I've got so much on my mind or something else I would rather be doing...but I know that "Mindless eating" is one of the reasons I did not keep the weight off this time.

I can make excuses for why I fell back to not minding HOW I ate, and What I ate, But again they are only EXCUSES! But I'll try to remember just how Nice it was to sit there and enjoy my breakfast..
Good way to start the morning..:-)

I am ready to get serious!

I'm not done analyzing why I didn't/haven't maintained my weight loss but I feel that I've gotten to a point where I am ready to get serious about starting "My Program" to get myself fit again.

Saturday July 3rd is as good as any day to start!
I got up and made my bed, put a load of laundry in the machine and then weighed myself...(ouch). I weigh
216.0# ...not good but when I weighed myself last week I weighed 219.6#...I'm not going to count that as a loss until we see if I don't gain it back this week.  Seriously I don't judge myself on "NUMBERS" ...I refuse to beat myself up if I don't lose a certain amount of weight each week. WHEN (not IF) I get control of my life I know it will come off...I had originally set a date of October 1st to lose 50#s...I now realize that is an unrealistic goal for me...I don't want to be tied to the scale...as long as I am losing I will know that I am doing good!

I'm starting back on supplements..I would rather not take them but I know I need them. I don't eat meat or dairy products. More on this later!

I then put a Billy Blanks Tae Bo tape in and worked out with him for 45 mins...I'm surprized but I did better than I thought I would..I took Kickboxing at the gym for 2 years and used to be pretty good (or at least I thought I was). I had some trouble with the kicks...but otherwise I'm pleasantly proud of myself...And all this time I've been telling myself that I can't keep up or do most of the moves...hmmm...again I need to believe in myself!  My plan is to do a tape at least every other morning...With the new job I have a couple of hours in the morning to myself and I have several differant exercise tapes to chose from..or I'll do one of the ones on FIT TV (not Gilad...he's creepy to me..worse than Richard Simmons..yech)...
I'm still planning on working out in the gym at the house where I work but first I want to get settled in with Val (the girl I'm taking care of)...and then it will be working with the weights..I can do cardio at the park on my days off and also doing the tapes..I do feel for me EXERCISE is the most important thing...I know that I feel better when I exercise..I still want to get back in shape enough to do a 5K and my dream of hiking/backpacking (and keeping up with everyone) will help me keep motivated.

After exercising I checked my emails and read Stop Dieting & Start Living! by Dean Anderson at SparkPeople (my motivation for the day).  Now I'm journaling for the day..I feel pretty darn good about myself this morning..ready to meet the world..

My plans for the rest of the day is to eat breakfast..I had to wait for 30 mins after taking 1 oz of  Organic Apple Cider Vinegar (more on this later too).  I am going to have 1 whole wheat waffle (instead of my usual 2) some cantaloupe and a glass of mango juice which I WILL eat at the table not here at the computer or in front of the tv (which I've gotten into doing)... this should last me until lunch at work where I will have a tomato/spinach sandwich. Not sure what I will have for dinner since I'm going with my daughter and family to watch fireworks tonight. 
One of my goals is to have FUN..not to take everything so serious...

#8 Allow for Setbacks

from SparkPeople To 10 Strategies for Success  by Mike Kramer

Accept the fact right now that you will make mistakes, and that it can be a positive thing.  We are usually harder on ourselves that we are on anyone else we know.  Be your own #1 fan.  That means being supportive (instead of critical) when you stumble, and enjoy your wins (rather than ignoring your accomplishments) when you succeed.


Yesterday was my last day with Mike and surprizingly I find that I'm going to miss Mike!  I've spent the last year with him and although there were days that he drove me absolutly bonkers, there were also times when we had a lot of fun. I won't miss the hours, the house, the smell, the temper tantrums or the rest of the reasons I quit (which there were too many to list). I do feel like I improved Mike's life when I was there and this last year wasn't a setback but a learning experience (a win). It  gave me focus on what I want to do with my life as far as a career..I probably wouldn't have realized that I am a caregiver and this is what I am good at if not for Mike. I think I made the right choice in taking this new job/position and it's a step in the right direction for me. If it turns out to be a mistake/set back (which I don't feel it will be) then I will need to accept it and move on from there.

Right now I need to focus on Finding myself again and learning how to become my own #1 fan.